Sunday, October 18, 2015

not so hard...should maybe be harder...sometimes i just want it harder...

Ancilla_ksst wrote about something that is hard for her.  This particular thing would be very, very hard for me.  Impossible i think if i'm honest.  But that isn't the point.  It is hard for her, but clearly not impossible.  They have done the work, set the stage, built the trust and the submission/slavery, all the necessary things to get there.  What "it" is isn't the point here.

It's the hard that is the point.

There are times that many of the bits and pieces of real life are hard - exhausting, gut-wrenching, defeating, overwhelming, and more.  I couldn't take anything more on top of all that sometimes, and he wouldn't add more - and shouldn't for his own sake really - he's right here in all the hard parts with me, his focus needs to be where it needs to be as well.

But there is something about this dynamic that needs the hard also, however that looks for the individuals - pushing limits mentally, emotionally, physically, service, humiliation, pain, whatever it is....  always easy isn't always best.

I love pleasing him.  In some ways, the simple things are what he wants, what pleases him: coffee in the morning, good meals prepared, shaving on schedule, asking to get into bed,  all not hard, although sometimes easy to let slide and easy to forget the real purpose of.  But i don't have the wiring to thrive on just simple, quiet service. I suppose if he asked that of me, it would qualify as hard, it would push my limits, but i don't think that's what he wants, he certainly hasn't been molding me that direction - though i have learned not to assume anything....

So if I'm not a serving girl in the background, and stepford isn't at all what he wants, how do I please him?  And how do i make his life better, easier?

In my mind, I please him by doing things that are hard, by rising to the challenge when he pushes my limits.  By enduring.  By allowing him to explore his desires, his whims, his fantasies.  By being open to him mentally, emotionally and physically (less sexy, but most important to him and hardest for me).      

Of course, these have to be things he wants, whatever it is has to have meaning and value to him, it has to serve him or it doesn't meet my need to serve him.  I have had to learn to trust that he truly wants what he asks of me.  He isn't demonstrative about his desires.  I'm the puppy dancing around showing the world what i really want.  He is much more stoic all around.  That is part of the hard for me - the trust and the patience - the non-sexy, non-exciting part of the hard.

You can argue the right or wrong of my having needs - but the fact is - i need to have him ask hard things of me. I need him to push my limits and challenge me - control, pain, bondage, obediance, humiliation, surrender, service.... I need to be able to please him in those ways, to give myself in those ways.  It is what i have to offer, it is the value i can bring him.  But also, these are what light my nerve endings on fire, from my cunt outward. And they bind me to him, bend my knees to him, make my heart thrum for him.  



  1. Great post...and i really get it. If you are human you have needs...we all do....but for me, His deciding which needs are met is a big part of my submission. I do need to be pushed or does feed my submission, but like you said...only if it meets His needs. Lucky for me Master is pretty open about His needs, i am the reticent one.
    hugs abby

    1. Abby - that is lucky - and it is so fascinating to see how different people make it all work. My submission is also his deciding which needs to meet - though he is awfully fond of meeting many of them - the harder part for me is lettign go of my doubts about what he does or doesn't want, wanting him to demonstrate it the way i want him to. thanks.

  2. GG,

    This is so insightful of what it takes on that day to day of being on the 's' side of the slash.

    " I have had to learn to trust that he truly wants what he asks of me. He isn't demonstrative about his desires. I'm the puppy dancing around showing the world what i really want. He is much more stoic all around. That is part of the hard for me - the trust and the patience - the non-sexy, non-exciting part of the hard. "

    ^This^. So much this^

    Love your words here.

    1. Bleuame - thank you. This one has been a large learning curve for me.

  3. Sometimes when it's hard I want it easier. Then if he's too easy on me I want harder stuff again. The best I can do is follow his lead, and also sometimes speak up if I'm not getting what I need.

    1. ancilla_ksst - i do seem to have a knack for being all over the board sometimes - much more cyclical than he is - go figure. Do you feel like what was too hard becomes easy - like it escalates and then has to escalate to meet your needs? I've wondered about that in more general terms for some time.