I had never discussed any of our dynamic or our kinks with anyone irl who i didn't already know was involved in this lifestyle, and even that has been very, very few people.
I obviously write about it freely enough - although not as explicitly or articulately as many people. And I chat with some people online, never in particularly explicit terms though.
Even talking with my husband - I sometimes (most often actually) find it hard (actually, very hard) to say the explicit words, to ask for things in anything but euphemisms.
I found myself talking recently with someone about our lifestyle/arrangement/dynamic/kinks. This person is someone who it is appropriate to talk about these things with. I was a little concerned about being censured or rebuked about it all, but I took the leap and i was reassured that wouldn't happen.
I found it impossible to say any of the words out loud though - masochist, spanking, caning, pain, control, submission, dominance, marking, bondage, rituals, service.... I tripped over all of these and more - in fact, i really wasn't able to say much out loud at all. I talked about us in such vague and general terms that i don't think i would have recognized us from my description.
She asked if it were shame holding me back and making it difficult. I immediately told her it was not shame - it felt like being self-conscious. I don't believe i am ashamed of what we do and how we are - i know i don't believe any of it is wrong. But what about it makes me self-conscious? Why is it so hard for me to use the language? Where does that feeling come from?
I find that I am similar. I think at first I attributed it to "shame", but I think that is only because I didn't have a better word for it. I have trouble articulating my wants/needs to this day.
ReplyDeleteI think maybe it has something to do with saying the words and admitting what you want. It can be fantasy, a thought, not quite real. But once it comes out of your mouth, it's solid.
Lea,
Deletei think you're right - saying it does make it real - what is in my head is huge and intense and also manageable because it's just in my head. When it is out loud - it's real - whether it's my husband seeing those parts of me, or a stranger getting glimpses. Thank you.
this is partly why I started blogging about it in the first place, because even though we interacted irl with kinky folks, I found it so hard to verbalize any of it...I could hardly call myself a submissive outloud, way back.
ReplyDeleteI think its just that its not the norm--we aren't exposed to it.
And I fully blame the catholique upbringing...talking about anything, to anyone, was very much taboo, especially sex.
Blogging gave me more confidence and I just gained more confidence that there was nothing, absolutely nothing wrong with how we were living and what we were doing.
Yep, what Bleu said.
DeleteI see it as one of those things that the more you do it, the easier it becomes...but, that's just a theory I've never tested. :)
Bleu - my upbrining was a screwed up study in contrasts of catholic guilt and shame and 'the wrong way to express and discuss anything sexual' at home. I'm sure that contributes. I don't believe what we do is wrong - but having other people know still is hard - but i am thankful for blogging - otherwise it would never leave my head at all. Thank you.
DeleteMisty - my favorite kind of theory - can't say it's wrong if it's never tested! - thanks.
I could have written this post myself. For me the life is so very intimate it seems disrespectful almost to talk about it at all. That and my strict Lutheran upbringing I think. Although many suspect and we were somewhat outed during the 50 shades phenomenon it's still remains very private and just between us for the most part. Although the longer we're in it the more public He's becoming but that's another story. I also recently talked to someone totally appropriate for the first time but the line was blurred very quickly. I'm still trying to wrap my head around where my openess came from and what it means in the scheme of our life. For now I'm blaming hormones and am sure I need a severe punishment.
ReplyDeleteDaniS - Welcome and thank you. Ha - i could use that severe punishment - several in fact. So much more balanced that way. Sometiems i am curious who in our lives would respond in what ways to learn what we are really like - probably many wouldn't be ruffled at all - i think i soemtimes make it all out to be much bigger than it really is - but who knows? I'm curious - have you interacted with other kinksters irl - does that help bridge the gap so to speak? Thank you for stoppign by.
DeleteLove your blog! Only two people know for sure. Those were awkward outings BTW. My sister is traumatized...lol...one close gf's is intrigued and would probably want to join if I asked, not going to happen...that's all that know for sure. My oldest suspects and had issues but at this point we're all adults and it's none of his business ;)
DeleteForgot to mention. No interaction irl. We're pretty conservative from the outside and private. Very traditional roles as far as anyone would guess. He doesn't share and is extremely protective so no clubs or anything remotely close for Him. The two people who do know aren't interested in the juicy details so to speak.
DeleteDaniS - thank you! That sounds a lot like us - my sister has the smallest of inklings - and no one else at all i think does. And my husband won't go to public events - at least not locally - and since he's in charge....
DeleteI think maybe there's a place in between shame and self-consciousness, where it isn't so much what we're doing as it is simply talking about it.
ReplyDeleteFor those of us who are deeply private, this can be hard. It's not that "this is too ugly for anyone to know about" -- it's more protecting ourselves, our vulnerabilities, our privacy.
Or maybe I'm talking through my hat again...
Hmm - I think that is worth a think on my part - because you're right - i don't feel the doing is wrong - but describing it at all or naming it - owning it - is - but shouldn't really be..... Your hat makes sense, thank you.
DeleteTo start with, in our society, even straight people rarely talk about the details of their sex lives. And then you add that this lifestyle is considered taboo by many, it is not surprising that you have problems naming it or describing it. Maybe if you try to talk about it in a positive sense to show how much you enjoy it and how much it is a part of you, maybe it will become easier. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteFD
gg, an excellent post, as usual, and on such a thoughtful topic! I appreciated all the comments as well. My wife Joy has exactly this same issue--she can't talk about what we do even to me, let alone to anyone else. In her case, I think she'd say that is it shame...and self-consciousness...and her upbringing. Though I have explicitly tried to make it easier for her to talk through practice, a safe environment, and providing an example, it has not. The only thing that seems to help is to turn the lights out, let Joy face away from me as she speaks, and listen closely, because the best she can manage is a whisper.
ReplyDelete