Thursday, November 5, 2015

who is serving whom?

I could write very long winded pieces about each part of this - but honestly i barely have time to sneeze these days.  We knew this phase would be coming - lots of travel, lots of obligations and activities, just lots of life - it was on the calendars...

So i will be short and sweet (maybe).

[Yes - i recognize that writing this is a somewhat backhanded way of bringing this up to him -  bringing things up to him though is the purpose of the blog - and maybe we will find 5 minutes sometime soon to have a long and deep heart to heart talk, in which case, this gives us somewhere to start]

One of his biggest goals when all this started was that i open up to him, that i learn to let him see me and to help me, that i learn to rely on him.  Let's just say i was not remotely open and i had no idea how to let another person see me, or help me,  much less to rely on someone else.

It was a hard and sometimes gut wrenching thing for me.  It still requires hard work, ironically enough.

I have never fully figured out how that all fit with my serving him.  Letting him help me - with advice and guidance in my personal and professional life, with encouragement, with the kids, or with doing the dishes and grocery shopping - it seemed backwards of what was 'supposed' to be.  It felt like it made me a princess rather than a slave.  I have to actively fight against this feeling.

But.... I think I've let it let me get lazy.  I do let him do things for me, for us.  I let him help me figure things out that i need to figure out.  I even take advantage of time to do things for myself or time to relax that is created because he has done parts of what needs doing.

Then i wonder if i've gone too far.  Am i taking advantage of him?  Does he feel put upon or overworked.  Do i feel like a princess to him?  If I have those thoughts, why don't i just shut up, get up, and do more?   What happened to active submission?  Service?

And why doesn't he just stop it, put me back in line and re-set things?  [See...burden on him... passive submission on my part... ugh!]

And maintenance??  The daily caning was good for me.  I dreaded it, but it was good for me - for my state of mind and for my connection to him, for my submission and thus for my service.  But it was work for him, a chore and something else in a long list of things that have to be done each day.  So it was him serving me.

Likewise whenever i am horny or just really craving whatever i'm craving.  Is he serving me or himself?  Taken to the ridiculous extreme - wouldn't it be better if i hated sex and all the aspects of BDSM - then I could be sure it would be serving him only and me not at all.  See - i can see the flaws in my thinking sometimes....

All of this sounds pretty superficial and petty.  In fact, we both have pretty weighty things going on.  He, like many fathers and husbands, takes on the weight of the world for his family willingly and gladly.  I do believe that his job is in fact easier if i am open to him and accepting of his help.  He has said that a big part of the beauty of this lifestyle for him is that he sometimes feels like I am the only part of his life that he can influence for the better and make a positive difference in, that there is so much he can't control and that to be able to have any control over a part he cares so much about makes his responsibilites feel easier.







8 comments:

  1. flying through so just some quick thoughts... i often have this conundrum. 'oh but it's supposed to be me all slaving away' etc etc. However, he has other ideas - he wants me to be happy, crazy as that is! he also doesn't want me to dive into the 'serving all the time' downward spiral because it actually, taken too far, does me no good what so ever. He wants a happy, joking companion. Also, he wants to be involved in his only family and life.

    just other ways to look at it?

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    1. Yes - all of this - mine too... thank you.

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  2. I love that last sentence....it pretty much summarizes life here also.
    hugs abby

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    1. It took me awhile to really get it, but it entirely fits him so it shouldn't have been so hard for me.

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  3. It can be hard to accept chivalry.
    I can relate to this so much.
    Sometimes, when I feel that I am asking him to do x and its because I might be feeling a bit overworked or lazy or its just easier to have him do it, I stop and make a point of mentally asking myself if I really *need* him to do it and if its something that he would be upset with me for going ahead and doing by myself.

    Hope you find those moments to reconnect. And I also find that when things are a little chaotic, I tend to nitpick! So no you don't sound superficial at all!

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    1. It is so much harder to slow down and really do things intentionally when it's chaotic - that's one place i do need to work. thanks.

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  4. Dominance is a lot of work. But anyone who wants to be dominant should be willing to put in that work.

    Submission is also work - to be active in it, to be pleasing, to be working on yourself so you can fulfill his needs. And we have to be willing to put in that work also. One can't exist without the other, I think. Not truly.

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    1. Lea,
      Absolutely work on both sides - and absolutely need each to have the other even if the back and forth ebbs and flows. It all ebbs and flows with the other big pieces of or lives also - sometimes more easily than others. thank you.

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