evil presents, subdrop, evolution, and growing up

His rattan canes are fairly thin and very stingy - all well and good - he really likes them. He likes the lines and welts and hot, red patches.   I tend to like thuddy (i thought) - so i figured that some heavier canes would be a mututally enjoyable christmas present from me to him.  I was so wrong!  I got him two thicker delrin canes. He has only tried the one so far - it takes the caning thing straight to 'i really, really, sincerely don't think i can do this'/panic even when he's going easy.  I don't bruise easily - except now i do.

I've had subdrop before - never extreme and never particularly longlasting.  The other day - kids gone overnight -  we went out after some intense time with a long rope, the aforementioned evil cane, a huge plug, and I'm sure other things i'm forgetting.  I should have thought to eat a little something.  I just couldn't focus, i couldn't follow his conversation, and at dinner i broke down cryng out of the blue. I was mostly non-functional for 24 hours and i just couldn't snap out of it.  If i were him, this might make me think twice about playing again. I hope it doesn't deter him and i hope it's a very rare occurence.

I commented to an online friend the other day that i just wasn't around so much anymore.  He agreed and said he thought it seemed like an evolution of sorts.  He's probably right.  I'm just not sure if it's a good evolution or not so much so.  I (clearly) overthink everything, but more and more I find myself not really able to think about this aspect of me and of our life very deeply.  When i try, my brain just shys away or shuts down.  I've been through all the cycles: angst, fear, contentment, joy....  This one is new.  Maybe it's time to move on to just doing, less thinking.  Maybe it's a holding pattern.  Maybe it's a surrender.  Maybe not.  If I could just focus on it long enough maybe i could figure it out....

What i feel like is that we have grown up: like we've outgrown the wonder and the joy and the carefree and are left with the responsibility and the dull and the day-to-day.  It's an impression.  We were of course responsible all along.  We didn't abandon our family, our jobs, our outside lives.  We added this new, colorful, joyful thing and it added to the joyful, colorful side of real life.  It's been over seven years, seven year itch maybe - or just maturing and transitioning?  Maybe, truly, thinking about it isn't the best course for me.