Or at least sorta, kind of, getting there....
He doesn't require that i respond some particular way to his torture. He doesn't expect me to be perfectly quiet or still and I don't have to thank him or repeat a particular mantra when he's tormenting me or demanding i do things i don't especially want to do. He expects me to respond appropriately to whatever he does, whenever he does it.
Sounds simple, right?
Guess who gets to decide what 'appropriately' is?
So, for instance, when he grabs me out of the blue and bites my neck, slaps my ass, or especially pinches and twists my nipple, he expects a measured response that matches what he thinks the pain level was. If i miss? He tries again and again and again until i get it right, every time....."Let's try this again. Does this hurt? What about this? I can make it really hurt you know?"
Sometimes the element of surprise makes me a little jumpy - that doesn't factor into his weighting system though. The humiliation of being chastised, the waiting and holding still, not knowing if the next twist and pull is going to be gentle or fucking hurt.... He enjoys this game. I work really hard to hit his mark and have it be over with as quickly as possible.
When he's hitting me with whatever he's hitting me with, he still expects a measured response - his measure, not mine. It's harder than it sounds. My tolerance can be all over the place - but i think he accounts for that. And I'm getting better at letting go of the fear and focusing on just the actual sensations - the experience, not my expectations.
But i still sometimes find myself, in the moment, wondering if i should be responding a certain way or another. I'm not tempted to play it up in order to get him to ease off (I'm not sure how he gauges my tolerance on any given day - but i imagine it has something to do with my responses). Most often I really want to be right where i am, even with the evil new cane - i need it, he needs it, i'm not going to be trying to get out of it. Even if i am genuinely anxious about how difficult it is going to be - i don't fake anything. If i beg for it to stop, I mean it sincerely - funny how that works, i know it won't stop him - so why beg? Question for another day.....
But when he has more time and is looking for more intensity, there comes a point that i find myself being able to wrap my head around things, i can breathe into it and manage it. He orchestrates this of course - if he doesn't want me to manage, he changes the tempo and the intensity and i can't keep up.
But when he lets me, and i start to reach the breathing/floating point - i always wonder - does he want me to relax? Does he want me to be able to float? Wouldn't he rather i be squirming and struggling? Isn't that what gets him off? What is it about hitting me that he really likes? If i'm all quiet and floaty and blissed out, what's in it for him? He can keep hitting me, but where's the excitement for him? He still has to remind me to let go, to breathe, to float off.