I took off my collar and handed it to you - not as a test or a temper tantrum or to manipulate you - not in that kind of calculated way. Neither of us plays games like that. It was pure desperation.
In order to submit to you the way you want, i have to let myself be vulnerable. I can do strong and invulnerable - i did for most of my life. And in most of my day-to-day i can keep that. But i can’t with you and also be open and listening and following and submitting. I could in actions - mostly - but you want all of me, not just my actions. So, with you, I have to stop protecting myself and trust you to do that.
And - like everyone - sometimes we miss - sometimes spectacularly. This time, the things that are hardest for me lined up with the things that are hardest for you, and we each mis-understood and guessed wrong and, and, and… And I felt for all the world like you had walked away and turned your back on me. I felt un-protected and un-wanted.
I’m so glad, was so relieved that you didn’t walk away. I need you. And i want to need you. I will keep working to be what you want and how you want - but this piece i don’t think i can do differently. Trust must manifest itself in different ways for different people - for me, the hardest and most important trust is that you want me and that you will stay.