Saturday, March 12, 2016

Desperation

I took off my collar and handed it to you - not as a test or a temper tantrum or to manipulate you - not in that kind of calculated way.  Neither of us plays games like that.  It was pure desperation.  
In order to submit to you the way you want, i have to let myself be vulnerable.  I can  do strong and invulnerable - i did for most of my life.  And in most of my day-to-day i can keep that. But i can’t with you and also be open and listening and following and submitting.  I could in actions - mostly - but you want all of me, not just my actions.  So, with you, I have to stop protecting myself and trust you to do that.  
And - like everyone - sometimes we miss - sometimes spectacularly.  This time, the things that are hardest for me lined up with the things that are hardest for you, and we each mis-understood and guessed wrong and, and, and…  And I felt for all the world like you had walked away and turned your back on me.  I felt un-protected and un-wanted.  
And desperate.  
I’m so glad, was so relieved that you didn’t walk away.  I need you.  And i want to need you.  I will keep working to be what you want and how you want - but this piece i don’t think i can do differently.  Trust must manifest itself in different ways for different people - for me, the hardest and most important trust is that you want me and that you will stay.  

8 comments:

  1. oh my.
    I climbed that Mountain of Despair with you, there.
    Thank you (both) for letting us climb down again.

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    1. And thank you for caring enough to make the climb.

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  2. I have been there, not in a long time...HUGS....
    hugs abby

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  3. Oh, greengirl. Every word, I feel you.
    Yes.

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    1. Bleue - I am so sorry then - it's not a good place.

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