Desperation

I took off my collar and handed it to you - not as a test or a temper tantrum or to manipulate you - not in that kind of calculated way.  Neither of us plays games like that.  It was pure desperation.  

In order to submit to you the way you want, i have to let myself be vulnerable.  I can  do strong and invulnerable - i did for most of my life.  And in most of my day-to-day i can keep that. But i can’t with you and also be open and listening and following and submitting.  I could in actions - mostly - but you want all of me, not just my actions.  So, with you, I have to stop protecting myself and trust you to do that.  

And - like everyone - sometimes we miss - sometimes spectacularly.  This time, the things that are hardest for me lined up with the things that are hardest for you, and we each mis-understood and guessed wrong and, and, and…  And I felt for all the world like you had walked away and turned your back on me.  I felt un-protected and un-wanted.  

And desperate.  

I’m so glad, was so relieved that you didn’t walk away.  I need you.  And i want to need you.  I will keep working to be what you want and how you want - but this piece i don’t think i can do differently.  Trust must manifest itself in different ways for different people - for me, the hardest and most important trust is that you want me and that you will stay.