To the rage...

There are things he likes and things he chooses less often.  He loves, loves his canes, and also the crop, and other implements; he chooses hand spanking less often.  He uses spanking to communicate and to accomplish an awful lot of different things as well: never punishment, but definitely discipline; attitude adjustments, mental health maintenance (his, but mostly mine); fun; foreplay; stress relief (his i think,  and mine); re-connection and reminders of our places; and often just because he loves my ass to be hot and red - i think he surprised himself with how much he loves that.  For me, it’s all good - he knows by now very well what i need, how to give me what i need, what he needs, what he can take.  The thing that stands in the way is time, time together just the two of us, time to give it the time it needs, time to explore it more, time/freedom to make the noise.  

It has been a long time since we’ve had that kind of time.  And it has been a time of change and transition and also really, really hard work in both of our lives, professionally and personally.  We have been able to connect maybe the bare minimum necessary to keep us and our dynamic above water, but barely. Last night we had time and he took it. He pushed me harder than he has in a long time.  He pushed beyond pain, and beyond anger and resistance.  

He started with his hand, which should have told me something.  Then he bound my limbs, which also should have told me something.  He moved onto the most wicked of his canes.  He made everything hurt, then he want back to the most painful places and doubled down. He pushed me straight into rage, blind, furious rage.  I know he stopped a few times to whisper good girls into my ear, to tell me this was indeed what he intended and what he knew i needed and what he needed.  That last part - that is the part that let me go on.  Funny how in the midst of irrational fury i could still process that piece. 

He brought me into the rage, kept me there just a bit, then brought me slowly back.  And he was dead right.  I did need it.  It is one part of us and part of what we need.  It’s part of the vocabulary of spanking for us.