I have always had a thing for having his fingers in my mouth, just one or better - two: flicking the tips of them or tracing their length with my tongue, moving them around in my mouth, sucking them both together, then running my tongue between them to separate them, a little gentle pressure with them between my teeth. It's actually how I first let him know I was interested long, long ago. We had spent days flirting and dancing around really admitting any interest, but when he pointed his finger at me, inches from face, I couldn't resist, I had to take it in my mouth.

This time was no different, we were sitting on the couch with a child between us, he had his arm up, behind the child, and his hand resting on my shoulder, just beside my face. I really can't have his fingers so close to my mouth and not. But this time I got carried away, the gentle pressure between my teeth felt too good, felt even better as more, and more, until I had bitten him quite hard. He pulled his hand away and glared. I didn't know what to expect, but I know I don't like his glare.

Later, after the child was in bed, we were again on the sofa, and he pulled me close. He began tracing his finger along my neck, along my jaw, along my cheek, so, so lightly. I turned towards the tracing, but his hand would withdraw, only to return once I relaxed back. Again, his fingers would trace my cheek, then just under my lip, barely brushing my lip, but immediately withdraw if I turned my head or reached with my mouth. I told him I got it, understood the message, but he wasn't interested in me speaking. He just kept on, and certainly got his point across.

fishing trip over

I am officially back from my fishing trip. I now sincerely hope and expect life to return to (something like) normal.

I recognize that

I have kids, and I spend time with kids of all ages in all sorts of contexts, so I recognized it right away. It was quite obvious; it was boundary testing, limit pushing, feeling out the response, probing with "what if I just..." Except this was me doing it..... That part was new.

It's not that this is new because I'm inherently a line-toer, or straight-and-narrow keeper; it's just that it's been since I was a kid that I've had boundarys to test. I know that's a bit of an oversimplification - I am of course subject to tax law, and traffic regulations, and all the niceties that grease the wheels of polite society, all those sorts of boundarys that I may or may not choose to respect. But specific, how I should act, what is expected of ME, in my home, with my husband - that's new! And I've not completely decided how I feel about this.

I did find it very interesting that my immediate response was the obvious one. I forged ahead to see what would happen. I could see what I was doing, but didn't stop myself. In one case, I was not at all ready to let go of my pissiness. In the other case I was goofing around and I was just plain having too much fun being annoying.

Of course any relationship, and in partiular a marriage, has boundarys, the unwritten rules that both parties (usually) adhere to, from the vows to the habits worked out over the years that have become expectations. My being angry, upset, even distraught, and consequently very rude, but refusing to talk about why has been a problem for a long time, and it's one of the places we've decided to make changes. I say we, but I mean that my husband decided and I agreed that it wasn't a fair or at all useful way for me to act. I of course have known that all along, but it is so much easier to ignore horrible things than to try to talk about them, and it is always easier to avoid confrontation than to face it. Right? In this case, it's not an issue of having a rote list of "may say this and may not say this...." The point is that I need to be responsible and accountable for what I do and say (as does my husband, different story though). This time he kept asking until I could force myself to tell him what was wrong. Previously he would have quit trying and I would have seethed, and there would have been no resolution and lots of bad feelings.

This all does sound more like marriage retreat than kink. In my case, letting him tell me where I need to change is a monumental shift that I know would not have happened without my having come to terms with submitting in other areas. As I was resisting, I knew that eventually I would need to tell him and I also knew that he expected me to do just that. In a strange way, that made all the difference.

As far as the goofing around, I'm not sure about that. I was being silly, and annoying, and physically pestering him, and I think I really wanted him to physically stop me instead of asking me to. Of course I chose to do this at a time when the kids were too nearby for him to truely do something about it - so I just don't know.

There are just too many twists and turns here for me to wrap my head around.

I know what I feel, and I know what I want to explore, although I don't begin to understand why. I know the ways in which changing our relationship/dynamic is making us closer, more aware of each other, and our household more peaceful. I don't have any doubts about the rightness of this path for us; by that I mean that I don't have any moral or ethical or even psychological qualms about it. We talk and discuss and come to agreement, together.

But something made me really consider it from his point of view, and it hit me hard.

How is a normal man supposed to react?

How should a man react, a good man, when the woman that he loves and has been committed to for such a long time, comes to him and says she thinks she would actually like for him to hurt her. And also, not to stop even if she says to, or if she crys, or if she struggles to get away. Hurt her and force her to take it.

And also to change his expectations for her, and to shift around pretty substantially the way he treats her - to a way that looks a lot like that which would have led to divorce court previously.

Nevermind the wondering about her sanity, what makes her suddenly want this kind of thing? Or the worry that there are other quirks or darker secrets lurking.

What if he can't do it, or just doesn't want to - will he lose her, will she walk away, or just withdraw and be resentful? Should he go along, give it a try, pretend for her sake?

What if he does do it- will she change her mind, deny she ever asked, accuse him of horrible things?

And he's to keep doing this, not just once, but often. Can he do that? Can he up the ante? And what if it turns out he does like it? How does that fit with what he thought he knew about himself?

Maybe men are more complex than we give them credit for, or maybe he is able to incorporate more than I can really comprehend.

clothespins and rope and ...

Ok - so not what you were maybe thinking. But it was a warm, sunny, beautiful weekend here, so rare for November. I was able to dry the laundry outside one last time this year, and the best part will be putting these sheets on the bed in a few weeks, on a rainy, dreary day, and being surrounded with the smell of outside and sunshine.