There are just too many twists and turns here for me to wrap my head around.
I know what I feel, and I know what I want to explore, although I don't begin to understand why. I know the ways in which changing our relationship/dynamic is making us closer, more aware of each other, and our household more peaceful. I don't have any doubts about the rightness of this path for us; by that I mean that I don't have any moral or ethical or even psychological qualms about it. We talk and discuss and come to agreement, together.
But something made me really consider it from his point of view, and it hit me hard.
How is a normal man supposed to react?
How should a man react, a good man, when the woman that he loves and has been committed to for such a long time, comes to him and says she thinks she would actually like for him to hurt her. And also, not to stop even if she says to, or if she crys, or if she struggles to get away. Hurt her and force her to take it.
And also to change his expectations for her, and to shift around pretty substantially the way he treats her - to a way that looks a lot like that which would have led to divorce court previously.
Nevermind the wondering about her sanity, what makes her suddenly want this kind of thing? Or the worry that there are other quirks or darker secrets lurking.
What if he can't do it, or just doesn't want to - will he lose her, will she walk away, or just withdraw and be resentful? Should he go along, give it a try, pretend for her sake?
What if he does do it- will she change her mind, deny she ever asked, accuse him of horrible things?
And he's to keep doing this, not just once, but often. Can he do that? Can he up the ante? And what if it turns out he does like it? How does that fit with what he thought he knew about himself?
Maybe men are more complex than we give them credit for, or maybe he is able to incorporate more than I can really comprehend.