Thursday, November 12, 2009

There are just too many twists and turns here for me to wrap my head around.

I know what I feel, and I know what I want to explore, although I don't begin to understand why. I know the ways in which changing our relationship/dynamic is making us closer, more aware of each other, and our household more peaceful. I don't have any doubts about the rightness of this path for us; by that I mean that I don't have any moral or ethical or even psychological qualms about it. We talk and discuss and come to agreement, together.

But something made me really consider it from his point of view, and it hit me hard.

How is a normal man supposed to react?

How should a man react, a good man, when the woman that he loves and has been committed to for such a long time, comes to him and says she thinks she would actually like for him to hurt her. And also, not to stop even if she says to, or if she crys, or if she struggles to get away. Hurt her and force her to take it.

And also to change his expectations for her, and to shift around pretty substantially the way he treats her - to a way that looks a lot like that which would have led to divorce court previously.

Nevermind the wondering about her sanity, what makes her suddenly want this kind of thing? Or the worry that there are other quirks or darker secrets lurking.

What if he can't do it, or just doesn't want to - will he lose her, will she walk away, or just withdraw and be resentful? Should he go along, give it a try, pretend for her sake?

What if he does do it- will she change her mind, deny she ever asked, accuse him of horrible things?

And he's to keep doing this, not just once, but often. Can he do that? Can he up the ante? And what if it turns out he does like it? How does that fit with what he thought he knew about himself?

Maybe men are more complex than we give them credit for, or maybe he is able to incorporate more than I can really comprehend.


  1. He has known you a long time, and while the ideas are new, his fundamental understanding of you is the same, and he knows:
    When you say hurt, you don't mean harm,
    when you say struggle, you don't mean escape,
    when you say cry, you don't mean despair.
    Sometimes words have big sounds, and meanings, and the word we say is not exactly what we mean, but the people we know and love and trust, we have to know that they understand.

  2. I think if he understands why you need this and what it will do for you, it wouldn't seem like such a bad things... and it might even make it easier for him to do it. I thought I was nuts for asking for it, but just the contentment and peace you feel afterward is just so worth it.

    Of course, you'll want to start off light. He would have to learn his own strength and what your body can take. That takes time and practice.


  3. greengirl: I could not possibly say it better than David, because I believe he said it exactly right. And,I would add: don't sweat it. It truly is meant to be fun.

  4. I also agree with what David said. For all your questions, and I have/had many of the same, they are all good reasons to take it slow. I'll admit that I am not the most patient person. I have asked for things and then changed my mind, and then change it back again. It's an ongoing process.

  5. I think you're both very normal, all good questions but can only be answered by the two of you.

    David did say it best.

    O and I went through, sometimes intense "contract" negotiations about this and that. His feelings, my feelings, and other issues out of my control...Give and take. Live and learn...


  6. David,
    These words were the ones that came automatically.I wrote without weighing my words or going back to edit. It is very interesting that you are able to point out the meaning, and especially what they do not imply, when I hadn't considered them that closely at all. But you are correct, and about his understanding of me as well. If it makes any sense, I'm sure I'm having far more doubts on his behalf than he is actually having. Thank you.

    I sometimes find my self in an endless loop of wanting what I want but also wanting him to do only what he wants, not doing it for me. Maybe that makes no sense. Sometimes I can't find the way off that ride.

    I am trying really hard to trust that he will do just what he feels he should, and not what I feel he should, even if I'm trying to protect him, from himself? from me? Maybe it's not my job to protect him at all. Which is a long way of saying - I am working on not sweating it and just letting go and having fun.

    It is good to know i'm not the only one to have had these questions. My brain sometimes won't fall in line with the direction i tell it to go, slow and patient being two prime examples.

    No one who has met us, in pretty much any context, thinks we are anything like normal, so thank you. I'm sure we have a lot of talking and trying out, and figuring out to do. I guess I need to worry abotu me adn let hoim worry about him. Thanks

  7. OMG... I know exactly what you mean. Most of the time when Master and I have sex it's for mutual pleasure... but there are times when I ask him to take his pleasure just for himself and not for me. It's so different... it's so harsh... sometimes fairly brutal... I love it!


  8. you could be talking about D - who agonized over what he found was the contradiction of, in essence, "hurting the one you love". Throw in a fair bit of confusion, mix it up with a change in dynamic and it CAN be confusing for both.

    The trick of course is knowing the one you care about - you guys have the advantage of an estalibished , long-term relationship - so chances are he KNOWS (as david says) when hurt is hurt and when hurt is good.

    Persoanlly I don't think a lot of fancy words or protocol are needed; a simple DAMN that HURT an dnot in a good way can go a long way to figuring out limits and just how far you want to go.

    talk, talk, talk. After the flush, after the peak, when all is quiet, think about it, talk about it- ask him what he got from it- what he enjoyed and share with him your feelings -physical, emotional and otherwise.

    you'll do just fine.

  9. Selkie,
    It's interesting, these feelings were sparked partly after he stopped what he was doing because I was reacting differently than I ever had. He was right to have stopped, but I really didn't want him to at the time. It just made me step back and think about how much of a change this is for him also. We did and do spend a lot of time talking. One of my big questions to him is exactly what you mention - what does he get out of this. He has partial answers for that one, but says he is still trying to feel out all his reactions.