We visited friends at their home on a lake - they worked and saved and sacrificed to buy this home because it's part of their plan for their 'what comes next, after kids' and their 'when the kids have kids' parts of life.
It got us talking about what comes next - when the kids go off to college, when we retire, when we might start thinking about moving on to where and how we want to live when it's just for us. It's day dreaming, and we don't get to do it often. It's not discontent or coveting or wishing our lives away; for us, it's sharing our dreams, communicating deeply about Us.
That reverie about the future led to us to talk about how we see Us in the future. I admitted that i have never imagined we would still be this way when we get old. I don't think about it really - but i have always assumed that ttwd will run its course and fade away. I don't ever and can't really imagine when or how that happens, i have just never imagined that it lasts forever for us. He was surprised, and he surprised me when he told me he intends it to be part of us as long as we are us. That was bit thrilling and a lot comforting and- something - i'm not quite sure what?
When i was in my 20's, mid-40's seemed ancient, worn out, too old for fun, too old for sex, too old for anything but work - maybe my view wasn't quite that bleak - but i'm sure i didn't see it the way the reality is. Likewise, my view now of retirement, of 60's and 70's and on - is, I'm sure, skewed and inaccurate. So i don't know how i see our dynamic, how i see us then.
I asked my husband a shorter term question - i asked him if or how he sees our relationship changing once the kids leave for college....He said he didn't know what the big picture would be - but that it would involve a lot more nakedness and a lot more spanking.
Maybe they will decide to just stay home instead of college.....
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Sunday, July 21, 2013
Rule # 2
Growth seems to be about learning and that seems to happen in spurts for me.
He introduced another rule for me this past week - rule # 2. These rules are very different from what you are probably thinking though. They are rules he has made for himself that I am to remember, actually , i am to internalize.
These aren't written down, but he reminds me of them often. He states them very simply, but they have very deep meaning for each of us, and far reaching implications. Part of our/my learning and growing have to do with understanding these.
Rule # 1 is that he doesn't punish me. That is generally true - we don't have a punishment based dynamic, discipline yes - but punishment is not a default. In reality he has, very rarely, punished me - The rule is that he won't ever punish me when he isn't entirely clear headed and not without discussing it a great deal. The part i need to remember is that i never need to wonder if something is a punishment: if his actions or treatment of me seem harsh or cold or more aggressive than usual - i need to know without question that it is not punishment or retribution; i need to trust that it is just how he wants to be at that moment. That is actually huge for me and my mental balance.
He introduced the second rule this past week - i'm sure it existed all along in his mind - but he stated it for me: He will not humiliate me.
Humiliation is a much slipperier thing to understand than punishment: it's different for each person, and probably changes over time for an individual. And it's taking some thinking about for me.
We talked some about how he means humiliation and how i understand it, and how i feel about it. His meaning, in the contexts we've talked about so far, is that he won't ask me to do anything that would embarrass me or make me uncomfortable/feel ashamed in front of people we know. That leaves a lot of interpretation in general and a lot of possibilities around strangers. And takes a good deal of work for me to trust him, even in simple situations.
A few examples maybe - because we aren't talking about my parading around nude in a public park, or wearing a leather collar to work, or eating from a dog bowl. That's the individuality of it - i am, in some ways, very easy to humiliate, or embarrass, or - i think in many cases - shame. I know there is or ought to be a distinction between shame and humiliation, and that i should not be ashamed of many of the things i am - but - i am.
He prefers to have open curtains/open windows - all the time. Not allowing me to close the drapes at the hotel in a very large, very crowded city - to undress, to be caned, to have sex, this is difficult for me, but he is right - we don't know anyone and it fits his rule.
Home is harder for me - not closing our bedroom curtains when i present myself for him, or to be caned, is much more difficult for me. We do know our neighbors, their windows are fairly close, although reasonably - they probably can't see in.
Dressing and cleavage - i am - as the song goes 'broad where a broad should be broad'. But i usually dress to minimize or hide that fact. It's complicated - wearing a more low cut dress, while still showing far less than many women do, is a challenge for me. And that comes back to body image and shame - not that i was indecently dressed, but that women my age don't do that, or only pretty women do that. You get the idea. It pushes me, I don't handle it well - yet. And he is sensitive to that while still wanting me to like my body and to be comfortable with it. Like i said - it's complicated.
What i realized is that this sometimes leaves me feeling that he is actually ignoring my wishes and pushing his own agenda.... and yea - i do get that that's the whole point. This one is harder for me. As he sees me balk and he reminds me of this rule, he expects that i will believe him and trust him and let go. But i still find myself fighting against the voices that want to say, "You're wrong - this is going to humiliate me."
He introduced another rule for me this past week - rule # 2. These rules are very different from what you are probably thinking though. They are rules he has made for himself that I am to remember, actually , i am to internalize.
These aren't written down, but he reminds me of them often. He states them very simply, but they have very deep meaning for each of us, and far reaching implications. Part of our/my learning and growing have to do with understanding these.
Rule # 1 is that he doesn't punish me. That is generally true - we don't have a punishment based dynamic, discipline yes - but punishment is not a default. In reality he has, very rarely, punished me - The rule is that he won't ever punish me when he isn't entirely clear headed and not without discussing it a great deal. The part i need to remember is that i never need to wonder if something is a punishment: if his actions or treatment of me seem harsh or cold or more aggressive than usual - i need to know without question that it is not punishment or retribution; i need to trust that it is just how he wants to be at that moment. That is actually huge for me and my mental balance.
He introduced the second rule this past week - i'm sure it existed all along in his mind - but he stated it for me: He will not humiliate me.
Humiliation is a much slipperier thing to understand than punishment: it's different for each person, and probably changes over time for an individual. And it's taking some thinking about for me.
We talked some about how he means humiliation and how i understand it, and how i feel about it. His meaning, in the contexts we've talked about so far, is that he won't ask me to do anything that would embarrass me or make me uncomfortable/feel ashamed in front of people we know. That leaves a lot of interpretation in general and a lot of possibilities around strangers. And takes a good deal of work for me to trust him, even in simple situations.
A few examples maybe - because we aren't talking about my parading around nude in a public park, or wearing a leather collar to work, or eating from a dog bowl. That's the individuality of it - i am, in some ways, very easy to humiliate, or embarrass, or - i think in many cases - shame. I know there is or ought to be a distinction between shame and humiliation, and that i should not be ashamed of many of the things i am - but - i am.
He prefers to have open curtains/open windows - all the time. Not allowing me to close the drapes at the hotel in a very large, very crowded city - to undress, to be caned, to have sex, this is difficult for me, but he is right - we don't know anyone and it fits his rule.
Home is harder for me - not closing our bedroom curtains when i present myself for him, or to be caned, is much more difficult for me. We do know our neighbors, their windows are fairly close, although reasonably - they probably can't see in.
Dressing and cleavage - i am - as the song goes 'broad where a broad should be broad'. But i usually dress to minimize or hide that fact. It's complicated - wearing a more low cut dress, while still showing far less than many women do, is a challenge for me. And that comes back to body image and shame - not that i was indecently dressed, but that women my age don't do that, or only pretty women do that. You get the idea. It pushes me, I don't handle it well - yet. And he is sensitive to that while still wanting me to like my body and to be comfortable with it. Like i said - it's complicated.
What i realized is that this sometimes leaves me feeling that he is actually ignoring my wishes and pushing his own agenda.... and yea - i do get that that's the whole point. This one is harder for me. As he sees me balk and he reminds me of this rule, he expects that i will believe him and trust him and let go. But i still find myself fighting against the voices that want to say, "You're wrong - this is going to humiliate me."
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
customer service
We are away this week - just He and I - some family obligations - but with some Us time snuck in also.
Look what one thoughtful hotel room had hanging in it's closet....
Look what one thoughtful hotel room had hanging in it's closet....
Beautiful wood, solid, smooth, very substantial.....
Just in case we have trouble getting our shoes on, or they need buffing - I guess....
yes - very substantial...
I'll be back -
Thursday, July 11, 2013
knowing
He shows me in so many ways, day in and out, that he knows me.
This is new - or new in the grand scale of our time together.
Or maybe its just new that i see it.
He probably always knew or had a fair idea of me, even when i pull so far into myself.
Maybe especially when i retreat that way.
The difference is that now he pushes through the blockades i put up and the traps i set
Or more accurately, he ignores them - they really have no power unless he lets them
That was a stunning realization for me.
A conquering much more subtle and far more overwhelming.
This is new - or new in the grand scale of our time together.
Or maybe its just new that i see it.
He probably always knew or had a fair idea of me, even when i pull so far into myself.
Maybe especially when i retreat that way.
The difference is that now he pushes through the blockades i put up and the traps i set
Or more accurately, he ignores them - they really have no power unless he lets them
That was a stunning realization for me.
A conquering much more subtle and far more overwhelming.
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