Sunday, July 21, 2013

Rule # 2

Growth seems to be about learning and that seems to happen in spurts for me.

He introduced another rule for me this past week - rule # 2.  These rules are very different from what you are probably thinking though.  They are rules he has made for himself that I am to remember, actually , i am to internalize.

These aren't written down, but he reminds me of them often. He states them very simply, but they have very deep meaning for each of us, and far reaching implications. Part of our/my learning and growing have to do with understanding these.

Rule # 1 is that he doesn't punish me.  That is generally true - we don't have a punishment based dynamic, discipline yes - but punishment is not a default.  In reality he has, very rarely, punished me - The rule is that he won't ever punish me when he isn't entirely clear headed and not without discussing it a great deal.  The part i need to remember is that i never need to wonder if something is a punishment: if his actions or treatment of me seem harsh or cold or more aggressive than usual - i need to know without question that it is not punishment or retribution; i need to trust that it is just how he wants to be at that moment.  That is actually huge for me and my mental balance.

He introduced the second rule this past week - i'm sure it existed all along in his mind - but he stated it for me:  He will not humiliate me.

Humiliation is a much slipperier thing to understand than punishment: it's different for each person, and probably changes over time for an individual.  And it's taking some thinking about for me.

We talked some about how he means humiliation and how i understand it, and how i feel about it. His meaning, in the contexts we've talked about so far, is that he won't ask me to do anything that would embarrass me or make me uncomfortable/feel ashamed in front of people we know.  That leaves a lot of interpretation in general and a lot of possibilities around strangers.  And takes a good deal of work for me to trust him, even in simple situations.

A few examples maybe - because we aren't talking about my parading around nude in a public park, or wearing a leather collar to work, or eating from a dog bowl.  That's the individuality of it - i am, in some ways, very easy to humiliate, or embarrass, or - i think in many cases - shame.  I know there is or ought to be a distinction between shame and humiliation, and that i should not be ashamed of many of the things i am - but - i am.

He prefers to have open curtains/open windows - all the time.  Not allowing me to close the drapes at the hotel in a very large, very crowded city - to undress, to be caned, to have sex, this is difficult for me, but he is right - we don't know anyone and it fits his rule.

Home is harder for me - not closing our bedroom curtains when i present myself for him, or to be caned, is much more difficult for me.  We do know our neighbors, their windows are fairly close, although reasonably - they probably can't see in.

Dressing and cleavage - i am - as the song goes 'broad where a broad should be broad'.  But i usually dress to minimize or hide that fact.  It's complicated - wearing a more low cut dress, while still showing far less than many women do, is a challenge for me.  And that comes back to body image and shame - not that i was indecently dressed, but that women my age don't do that, or only pretty women do that.  You get the idea. It pushes me, I don't handle it well - yet.  And he is sensitive to that while still wanting me to like my body and to be comfortable with it.  Like i said - it's complicated.

What i realized is that this sometimes leaves me feeling that he is actually ignoring my wishes and pushing his own agenda.... and yea - i do get that that's the whole point.  This one is harder for me.  As he sees me balk and he reminds me of this rule, he expects that i will believe him and trust him and let go.  But i still find myself fighting against the voices that want to say, "You're wrong - this is going to humiliate me."


  1. I can identify with the dressing and cleavage, im large chested and i go out of my way to 'down play' that (she says having a cleavage shot on her profile lol..but my blog is safe..if that makes sense).

    For me its body image that is my problem as well, im so far from being an exhibitionist..and anything along those lines push me out of my comfort zone and has to be handled carefully.

    I do love humiliation though!

    I agree with your observations on humilaition, i love it but yet it is so personal to the individual, and the context of it makes a huge difference.

    Its such a complex area.


    1. tori,
      The blog thing still surprises me - i say things i never ever would to anyone in person - some things that are incredibly difficult to say to my husband even. I have a feeling there's a lot more to be learned for us in this area - the dressing/body/exhibiting issue is just what came up first. I think that his goals there are not so much to push for the sake of pushing but to have me accept myself more. After he read this though - it turns out he had initiated this rule for a different reason, a different form of humiliation altogether, something i hadn't caught at the time. Thank you for the comment - this is an area i get anxious about and appreciate perspectives.

  2. So there is a difference between you feeling humiliated and the more objective idea about something that other people would see as humiliating to you?

    sofia (not trying to be abrupt, but curious...)

    1. sofia,
      If i understand your question correctly - it sounds like you are trying to get at how much of humiliation for me personally really comes from what society deems inappropriate or shameful? If i am understanding correctly - then i think it's both.

      A very, very large part of what i feel as inappropriate, wrong, shameful, distasteful, degrading, embarrassing, etc - is because i've learned or accepted that judgement from society, my upbringing, religion, media images, the people around me, etc. Even many things that i know i have absorbed from outside of myself and which I know, intellectually, shouldn't be shameful or embarrassing, I still am unable to let go of my 'hang ups.' I think body image falls into this category - my husband loves my body - unreservedly - I am healthy and strong - that should really be all that matters.

      Some things that society would deem extremely humiliating - many of our kinks, my surrendering to him, kneeling - i don't find the least humiliating - of course society doesn't get to see these, so maybe that's not a fair example.

      In the end - i think most people take on many of the mores of their society - so there is a lot of overlap between what a person finds humiliating and what other people would. And like everything else, there are differences.

      I've also thought about the fact that having no shame, nothing that i would find embarrassing, difficult or humiliating would make our dynamic much more difficult - maybe the physical equivalent of having no pain sensation.

      This is a lot of words and i'm not sure i answered your question. Please ask again where i missed.

  3. Hi greengirl...

    there should be no shame in feeling what you're feeling...good bad or elsewise. You are who and what you are, and ...well? How could you be anyone else?

    It sounds like your Master is thoughtful, caring, and very deep. I like that (not that you need MY approval...I just am so very pleased for you). Pushing boundaries in such a gently caring way sounds like just as far as you can go...and that He gets that is wonderful.

    I think you should know that, though I can't see you physically, I DO see a deep, insightful, caring person whenever I come here. I wish you many brilliant sparkling joys...


    1. nilla,
      I'm so touched - all i can really say is "likewise." I love reading about your relationship because you write it so real - with all the humanity. Which means you live it with all the humanity - and i've never understood how any relationship can exist above the people in it - ignoring the joy and the anger and the silliness and the everything else. Thank you - so much.

  4. I downplay my chest too. Not because of body image concerns, but simply because I don't want that kind of attention. The only person I want seeing my breasts is my man. It's the same thing with the opening the window blinds thing. I'm not ashamed of my body, but I don't want the neighbors seeing me naked. Nudity is private, and reputation matters. I'm going to be living where I am for the rest of my life. I don't want to be talking to a neighbor wondering if they've seen me naked, and I definitely don't want rumors spreading around town that outside my window is the place to be.