Monday, October 14, 2013

a slap to the face

not that kind, the metaphorical kind

and not fun, not hawt

He gave me a lot of leeway over the past several weeks:  not so much leeway in day to day rules, more freedom in my mental state.  The project that was consuming my time and my thoughts forced me to be in a mindset of 'me first'.  I fought that initially - it doesn't feel right, and I know it's hard to come back from; but, he was right, it was the only way to finish and to do it well.

I haven't been coming back from it well at all.  He's been patient, but last night i unloaded on him with a litany of complaints of how he wasn't helping me the right way, how I needed him to do this or that, how it is really his responsibility to fix everything, including me.  Those weren't the words i was using - but - after the metaphorical face slap - it was clear - that is what i was really saying.  And that wasn't the painful part....

He has a voice - a voice that lets you know that you've managed to tap into his anger - something that he doesn't allow very often at all.  He explained, with controlled but unconcealed anger, that it is difficult for him also.  It's hard to know exactly what will be the perfect thing for me at the perfect time. It's hard to make the right decisions for the family - all the time.  In the same way that i have trouble moving between my various roles, it's difficult for him to divide his mindset as well, to transition from husband to father to work to master and owner - or to be any of those together in the same moment. That he recognizes that my role is difficult - but that his is as well, and he takes it very seriously, it's not a game or a for fun thing, that it is complex and important and he also sometimes needs time, and may get it wrong, and may want to go slowly out of caution.  That he isn't going to try to get the whole of our lives right through a tug on my hair and some swats with a cane.  That it is my role to be patient and to accept going his way.

I had lost sight of all of that, and more.  I had it all backwards in my mind.  I had let it become a game instead of our lives.  I was putting me first.

I hesitated to write about this - it doesn't show me in my best light - but i can live with that.  But it also shows him as human - something that isn't as commonly done.  I know that he only cares about what is right for the two of us, that he doesn't care a whit about how anyone else perceives him.  He is human, not mythical, not omniscient, omnipotent, or infallible. It is easier for me to fall back on relating to him as if he were, it would mean I could just blindly follow, i wouldn't have any responsibility to our relationship.  But he is and we are deeper and more complex than that.  For it to be real for us, I have responsibility also.

That slap in the face makes a much bigger impression and hopefully i will internalize the lesson better than a more literal one.






14 comments:

  1. This...This is something that mouse can relate to.

    Really there aren't any answers but it happens When you know you've sometimes willfully or elven unwittingly tapped into their anger...Oh yes...

    Because they don't always have the answers or know what to do...

    So with just a few words they can reel us in and maybe themselves too.

    Hugs,
    mouse

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    1. mouse,
      hmm - i hadn't thought about it being reeling himself in as well - but yea - that makes a lot of sense. Thank you.

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  2. Thank for sharing this gg, it's a good reminder to hear this from someone else.

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    1. db,
      It's learning all the time for me - i suppose that's a good thing. Thank you.

      Delete
  3. Funny how it is possible to put ourselves first in our submission to someone else.

    I'm glad you shared even if it doesn't show you in your best light; no one is perfect and we shouldn't expect it of ourselves.

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    1. Misty,
      It is amazing how i can twist it around and it has to be pointed out - i don't even realize it until it's pointed out. Thanks.

      Delete
  4. Green-girl,
    I so understand...the transitioning of mindsets and how hard it is to come back into line.
    I love this post.
    Open communication like this is really what has a great impact on propelling us forward.

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    1. Bleuame,
      thank you - i know how hard it is for me- i need to remember that it is a lot of transitioning for him also.

      Delete
  5. I wouldnt concern yourself too much with thinking this post may not portray you in your best light, its nice to know that we all have these moments, i for one can certainly identify with this at the moment.

    Its all a learning curve, i think and this is always a good thing.

    x

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    1. tori,
      It is a learning thing - which i suppose it will always be. and thank you - i don't mind showing my downsides, it's talking about him in that light that i struggle with.

      Delete
  6. no one could have said this better than you. Maybe you didn't show yourself as the perfect submissive (ohmygawd, shocking!) (*smiling*) What happened to the fantasy of being under his thumb every waking moment of the day...?! Ah, there's the rub...it is only in fantasy that there is that sort of Dom/sub "perfection"... What you did show is a very *real* couple with real day to day lives that aren't always black and white submissive and Dominant...there are shades of gray in there with family and work and doing dishes and paying bills. Thank you for showing, yet again, that fantasy is just that--and living the real deal? Sure isn't easy. Yet you managed it beautifully, flaws and all. Maybe 'specially with the flaws...

    nilla

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    1. nilla,
      thank you so much. There is, of course, the split in my head - the part that knows that real life is where we belong, that it is the foundation; and then the part that i would love to escape to much more often. The best parts are where they intertwine and we can exist in both.

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  7. Yes. Thank you for this - it's such an important reminder, and you put it so beautifully. I'm guilty of that too, sometimes, wanting to act like he's some mythical, bigger-than-life god, instead of the wonderful man my Sir is. It's not a side of things we hear about very often, and yet for those of us who are 24/7 lifestyle D/s, it's a huge piece of the picture.

    Thanks, GG.

    sofia

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    Replies
    1. sofia,
      For me. it's often a cop out. It's easier to blame him or make it all his responsibility instead of doing the work i ought to. And you're right - that does keep me from being with the person he really is. Thank you.

      Delete