Saturday, October 5, 2013

the little things are the most telling

It really has been a challenging week here (see my last post for illustration).  And I will spend the weekend on a project that has been all-consuming for awhile now.  It will be over Monday - one way or another.  

This project, my preoccupation with it, the effect on our family have all brought around some questions that I've struggled with a long time: questions about - wouldn't my family and my husband be better served if i didn't work? Isn't this just pure selfishness on my part?  Am i making the right choices?   These questions get amplified a bit in the context of ttwd: putting my happiness ahead of my family's and especially my husband's well being (or so it feels like some times.)  But they aren't new questions.  I've struggled with them before, with the same reasonings.

But we, my husband and I together,  have answered these questions before also - this is one realm in which the more things change, the more they stay the same - he has always wanted me to pursue my career, he is unbelievably supportive, and proud - which I have trouble accepting - but there it is....

This time the big questions will just have to be boxed up in the back of my mind - they torment me, but they've been asked and answered before...

There was a small moment though that does deserve some consideration, and some effort to change.  He was gone most of last week - terrible timing - but it happens.  He called me in the morning - I am awful on the phone - for some reason the phone just annoys me, doesn't matter who calls.

He called to tell me he might be able to get an early flight back, that he might even be home for dinner, that he was happy to be able to have some time with me.  And i could see what a really nice thing this was, an unexpected gift in a long week, and i knew exactly how i ought to respond - and yet i couldn't break out of my annoyance, and preoccupation and being self-absorbed.  It was exactly the wrong response - and i knew it as it was coming out of my mouth.  He graciously didn't comment, but he knew also.

This gets right to the core of all my feelings about submitting, serving, really, truly, deeply having his happiness in my mind and my heart, whether i'm a fraud, or just flawed.....

This is a small thing that isn't really so small.  And it does need to be worked on.


  1. whether i'm a fraud, or just flawed.....

    ...or just human...

    1. Jz,
      I'm sorry it has taken so long to respond - i'm working my way back and catching up. And thank you - sometimes just more human than others, looking for the balance between accepting and giving in to not really trying.

  2. "whether i'm a fraud, or just flawed"
    I should probably go Jz's route and point out your humanity, but I'm too busy nodding my head--that's a familiar sentiment to me. It is something that I often ask myself...Though if it helps any, I have never thought of you as either a fraud or flawed.
    I'm gonna quit making sense here in a sec, so I'm just going to run off and consume more coffee...

    1. lil,
      thank you - need to keep reminding myself that it's what he wants - and how he wants me that matters... so many implications.....

  3. This is going to sound really complicated....

    I think it's the hardest thing in the world to analyse your own motives and know how much of what you think is about you and your own wants and needs and how much is about his and other people's. To complicate things even more, there are definitely places where what you *want* crosses partially over into what you both need, but the end result of achieving it is made a little less by the underlying knowledge that you might have pressed it for it because it suited you better and not because it was the best thing.

    In a manner of speaking, because things were simpler when you didn't have to consider all this in your 'old life' all this complication and heart searching, at least until you get it all sorted out and put where it belongs, can be one of the downsides of TTWD.

    1. disciplineandlove,
      absolutely, one of the downsides, finding the balance between over thinking what should be simple, and not considering what i should be considering. I think this one will be a long term project. Thank you for the comment.

  4. Oh Green-girl,
    Fraud?! Flawed?!
    No. You're just someone who doesn't like the phone and was perhaps caught off guard.
    I can be horrible on the phone as well.
    But really, the stay at home versus going to work debate...oye. Been there and we solved it and it isn't always easy. I think either way, you feel a certain amount of guilt . But what makes you the happiest? What makes him the happiest? What works for your life and what you are creating?

    *huge hugs*

    1. bleuame,
      that is it isn't it - we do know what is best for the entire family - that has been solved - sometimes i wonder why he doesn't get tired of fighting me to do what i want to do in the first place. thank you.