My whole life, there has been a voice that is with me almost all the time - it is loudest when i'm in crowds or groups. It tells me that I'm not really quite good enough for whatever group this is, that I don't quite belong, that i will be discovered as an impostor any minute now....
I spent most of last week at a professional conference, exactly the type of setting in which this voice would have been screaming at me - to the point of drowning out any other thoughts.
This time the voice was really nowhere to be heard though.
I had a lot of time to reflect on my way home. It dawned on me very quickly that the voice was absent, and that i came away from this week re-energized, focused, and excited about my work. It also occurred to me that i do belong, i contribute, i actively mentor and i am accepted by and supported by my mentors, i have hurdles and shortcomings to address, but i am good at a really wide range of aspects of this thing.
And i realized that it (my job/profession, working to excel in it) is very good for me. It stretches me and it balances me and, like finding the perfect outlet for a kid (or puppy) with not enough to occupy her time, it calms and uplifts me.
One immediate knot-in-the-pit-of-my-stomach with that realization was that it must mean i'm not completely fulfilled by serving Him. So --- some quiet tears in my window seat on the flight and some seriously disruptive angst once i got home --- and yea - i'm not. I do need more. I am better all around with more. What does that mean for us, for whatever it is we are?
Of course he knows this already, has always known it. He wants me to be good at what i do, to be stretched (not that way), to be balanced - absolutely - to be balanced. He also wants me to be His, has no desire to change that. He sees no issue here, this is his vision, it all fits, as is.
It feels like very thin ice right now - it has for a bit in fact. He gives me room, he is patient and he is encouraging and helpful - all terrible things - right? But i feel it as backing off, losing interest, lowering expectations, indifference - but not indifference to me - just to the submissive me - which must mean he doesn't really want me to be submissive - so how does he want me to be?
It's a little tough to hit publish on this one. More drivel from inside my head. You would think that after 5 years i would be past this. Sadly - it looks like i still have work to do.
I loved this post...i so identify with this post. After almost 12 years, i still have times when i have drivel..i call them my voices. I do not know of anyone who lives in a 1 dimensional cocoon....Master i am His submissive, but i was a teacher who loved her job, and that continued until i retired, He allows me the time i need to relish and enjoy being a grandmother, and for the other things in my life that are important to me. He also has reminders in place,,,daily things...that help me remember, through it all i am His. OK..sorry to go on...
ReplyDeletehugs abby
abby,
DeleteOh thank you - i feel like i should be so past all this by now. I do love my job, and all the other parts of my life - sometimes i switch among them smoothly - sometimes not so much. Oddly, when i'm really challenged at work, i seem to need the dominance to be higher, which is maybe counter intuitive. It is nice to know i'm not the only one...
I loved this post so please please don't apologise for your words! I identified so much with what you said in the beginning I often feel that I am waiting for someone to tap me on the shoulder and say "hey you aren't supposed to be here - how did you get in". I like to think that our submissive sides are more or less present/visible or whatever in relation to life's other demands. She (or he) is always there, but just taking a back seat while we kick ass at work or rock on as mums (or step-mums in my case) ... anyway now I am going on lol. ava x
ReplyDeleteAva Grace,
DeleteThank you - I really appreciate that. The aspects of me do shuffle around, sometimes smoothly. Sometimes it seems that being very intensely engaged in one area increases my need for his presence and dominance - that really does give me strength. We are both still discovering how it should flow. And i loved the way you put this.
((((hugs)))) it's been more than 5 years for us and I'm still struggling with the absolute basics :(
ReplyDeletethank you - i suppose if i had it all nailed - there would be nowhere else to go - so struggle must be good - right? It's a 'dynamic' after all. I do wish i didn't feel like i was covering the same territory over and over though.
DeleteGG,
ReplyDeleteIt's awesome that you love what you do. It's equally awesome that your husband is cheering you on and being supportive of you--truly, I've been told that's rare.
In my experience, when I am wrapped up in the push to do something outside of the home, something that seemingly takes me further from M/s, it does feel as if he has no interest--I can relate to those feelings. But it isn't true. "I'm just getting out of your way", He'll tell me. Sometimes ,I have to get out of his way, too.
And he'll watch silently as I go and do whatever it is and I like you, feel stronger and more secure in being out there in the world now, than I ever did before and I know that's because of his dominance....He owns me, therefore it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks and I take that support with me.
bleuame,
DeleteHe says much the same thing - he's giving me space to do my thing - to be how i need to be. And yes - his support, our solid foundation, the fact that i can be what i am with him - allows me to really push myself elsewhere.
Goodness, I really am glad I found your blog. And, I am glad you did 'publish' this.
ReplyDeleteI have found that submitting broke down walls that I never even knew I had. It's something I never knew I needed so much. But like you said, the fact that you can be what you are with him allows you to push yourself elsewhere...I get that too. I have such a high stress job that requires so much taking control that when I am home, the surrendered/submissive life is my reset button. It allows me to be everything I am. XOXO
Pearl,
ReplyDeletethat's a great way of putting it. I'm pondering how different i think i would be at this point in my life without this - i think i has made a profound difference.