On the thin ice of the new day
My whole life, there has been a voice that is with me almost all the time - it is loudest when i'm in crowds or groups. It tells me that I'm not really quite good enough for whatever group this is, that I don't quite belong, that i will be discovered as an impostor any minute now....
I spent most of last week at a professional conference, exactly the type of setting in which this voice would have been screaming at me - to the point of drowning out any other thoughts.
This time the voice was really nowhere to be heard though.
I had a lot of time to reflect on my way home. It dawned on me very quickly that the voice was absent, and that i came away from this week re-energized, focused, and excited about my work. It also occurred to me that i do belong, i contribute, i actively mentor and i am accepted by and supported by my mentors, i have hurdles and shortcomings to address, but i am good at a really wide range of aspects of this thing.
And i realized that it (my job/profession, working to excel in it) is very good for me. It stretches me and it balances me and, like finding the perfect outlet for a kid (or puppy) with not enough to occupy her time, it calms and uplifts me.
One immediate knot-in-the-pit-of-my-stomach with that realization was that it must mean i'm not completely fulfilled by serving Him. So --- some quiet tears in my window seat on the flight and some seriously disruptive angst once i got home --- and yea - i'm not. I do need more. I am better all around with more. What does that mean for us, for whatever it is we are?
Of course he knows this already, has always known it. He wants me to be good at what i do, to be stretched (not that way), to be balanced - absolutely - to be balanced. He also wants me to be His, has no desire to change that. He sees no issue here, this is his vision, it all fits, as is.
It feels like very thin ice right now - it has for a bit in fact. He gives me room, he is patient and he is encouraging and helpful - all terrible things - right? But i feel it as backing off, losing interest, lowering expectations, indifference - but not indifference to me - just to the submissive me - which must mean he doesn't really want me to be submissive - so how does he want me to be?
It's a little tough to hit publish on this one. More drivel from inside my head. You would think that after 5 years i would be past this. Sadly - it looks like i still have work to do.