I want what you have

Three seem to be a few themes out there in the blogs recently, or things it seems bloggers have on their minds.  The ones that have hit me are writers block (obviously - since it's been two weeks) and service and doing things your own way.

Ironically - my writers block is related to a thinking block - i read or have things i notice in my world that i think are important, interesting, and worth really thinking about - then my brain looks at it and essentially says *whatever* with the accompanying eye roll, and then flits off.

If it makes any sense whatsoever - I can see what i want to think.  I can see the nice, neat, fully formed, tied-up-with-a-bow thought process and conclusions in my head, but i can't get into the box to really look at it, or share it, especially with my husband.

So i'm forcing myself to write - even if it's just a little, and kinda simplistic, or silly, one topic at a time......

Starting with - blogging and "I want what you, and you, and you have" (looks around at the other blogs all around).  Except - I DON'T.  I don't want what you have -  I want the feeling maybe, the result, the outcome, sometimes.... But we have worked so, so hard to have what we have.  And good grief does it look different from what you and you and you have.

The conflict in my mind isn't in wanting to be like anyone else.  The unrest in my mind right now is in how i use or rely on what i read in other blogs.

I never would have discovered any aspects of BDSM or power exchange, or any of ttwd without this blogworld.  Or - more accurately - my knowledge of any of it would have been limited to sideways and prurient references on TV or in movies or now in popular fiction.  This blogland is where i found concepts to explore, (and yes) looked at how other people do this thing we do, got ideas to try, found things to talk about with my husband, used other peoples' reflections to help me consider and clarify my own thoughts and beliefs, etc., etc., etc.,...

There really is enough of a common underlying structure to it all that we have "copied" a lot of what other people do that we likely would not have thought to do on our own: spanking, flogging, nipple clamps of all sorts, buying and using toys, calling him Sir, safewords, collars; the fun things - and the concepts and language that have helped us define in our minds what we are with and to each other.

So in that respect - I/We have certainly worked to become 'like' all of you.  In reality - he measures and considers all of it - the ideas, stories, my thoughts (as incoherent as they sometimes are), examples that i bring to him, and the ones he finds on his own - he decides to try them - or not.  He then decides if they worked and were good, or not.  He weighs my input, my responses, my needs and wants, and how those change.

So that, what "We" are - isn't so different in general, but is in fact unique to us: he likes all sorts of ways of making my ass red and hot and painful, but never as a punishment; he likes all sorts of ways of torturing my tits; he insists on honesty and my being open to him in all ways; he likes being called Sir, but not when anyone else is around; he likes my kneeling for important or difficult conversations, but he doesn't care at all for me to sit on the floor instead of the sofa with him just in general; he has no desire at all to grant me permission to pee - but he won't let me scratch an itch in his presence, though he will do it for me if I ask nicely...

I have always been very careful to look at myself and try to make sure i'm not confusing my wants or needs or feelings with "just something i read."  I've worked to catch the "you're doing it wrong" types of thoughts and to keep them out of my mind and my communications with him.  I'm sure i've failed now and then, but i try.  There is no denying though that all of you have influenced me and us - for the better, how i see things, how i make peace with things,  how i understand things.

What i do worry or think about more recently though is that i might be using blogging as training wheels of sorts.  I wonder if I or if we would grow differently if it were to happen organically, without outside influence, or whether it would just stall out and fizzle.  Or maybe as it has been is a good way for it to be?