not very slavey

You know how there are those things that you plan and need or want to do that depend in some part on other people and other pieces being taken care of before you can proceed?   Every single one of those in my life fell into place - this past week.  At work, projects that have been waiting for other people to act all got the go ahead at the same time.  At home, invitations and undertakings - all suddenly bore fruit - this week.

Which is great - except - if i could juggle it would be like someone tossing about 50 more balls at me while i'm working to manage my few.  Dropping these balls isn't an option really.  And handing off only works for a few of them.

Moving away from metaphors - I lost it.  The sudden overwhelming of to do's, should's, need to's, and must's, on every front, drove me into a state of anxiety that i've never really felt before.

I've been emotional and fragile and withdrawn.  [btw - i have always been thankful that the Universe saw fit to send me only boys - i don't think i would raise girls well - but the males in my house have had very little really close experience with girls other than me, so any time i'm emotional - it sends them into a panic and they are sure i'm broken]  Of course fixing myself and not being emotional and fragile and withdrawn and anxious are now on my 'must do' list.

I have no idea if other people ever wonder if they are good enough, or fit for their role or are living up to what they have agreed to be.  But i sometimes do.  And this week - any obligations,  requests, or impositions on me, no matter how small or routine, have felt awful and impossible, and frankly, my response has been awful. There has been no cheerful, slavey, "All i really desire is to please my Master."  I have obeyed, although i recognize too that he modulated his demands to my needs.  I have obeyed, but not without struggle.

I haven't even managed a wife/mom level of joyful service.  I write that pointedly:  I believe that there are many wives and mothers who give of themselves, joyfully, and wholly, with no concept of consensual slavery.  I am both, and both involve more than just joyful service, but this ideal they have, for me, in common.  Which ever construct - this was a week i didn't manage that aspect of either.

He doesn't use the term 'slave.'   He says i'm 'His'.  Maybe that's a very wise distinction on his part. 'Slave' pulls in, besides many loaded historical and present day connotations, an enormous number of notions from out there as to what a 'slave' ought or ought not to be.  I use the term because I have given and he has asked for all of me, all the time, unconditionally and to the best of my ability.  Sometimes i just wish my ability were more than it is.  'His' for him, thus for me, means i am to be what he wants me to be, no more, no less, and not otherwise.

I suppose the best way to get the 'joyfully' part back is to go now and work on my juggling......