Friday, April 4, 2014

not very slavey

You know how there are those things that you plan and need or want to do that depend in some part on other people and other pieces being taken care of before you can proceed?   Every single one of those in my life fell into place - this past week.  At work, projects that have been waiting for other people to act all got the go ahead at the same time.  At home, invitations and undertakings - all suddenly bore fruit - this week.

Which is great - except - if i could juggle it would be like someone tossing about 50 more balls at me while i'm working to manage my few.  Dropping these balls isn't an option really.  And handing off only works for a few of them.

Moving away from metaphors - I lost it.  The sudden overwhelming of to do's, should's, need to's, and must's, on every front, drove me into a state of anxiety that i've never really felt before.

I've been emotional and fragile and withdrawn.  [btw - i have always been thankful that the Universe saw fit to send me only boys - i don't think i would raise girls well - but the males in my house have had very little really close experience with girls other than me, so any time i'm emotional - it sends them into a panic and they are sure i'm broken]  Of course fixing myself and not being emotional and fragile and withdrawn and anxious are now on my 'must do' list.

I have no idea if other people ever wonder if they are good enough, or fit for their role or are living up to what they have agreed to be.  But i sometimes do.  And this week - any obligations,  requests, or impositions on me, no matter how small or routine, have felt awful and impossible, and frankly, my response has been awful. There has been no cheerful, slavey, "All i really desire is to please my Master."  I have obeyed, although i recognize too that he modulated his demands to my needs.  I have obeyed, but not without struggle.

I haven't even managed a wife/mom level of joyful service.  I write that pointedly:  I believe that there are many wives and mothers who give of themselves, joyfully, and wholly, with no concept of consensual slavery.  I am both, and both involve more than just joyful service, but this ideal they have, for me, in common.  Which ever construct - this was a week i didn't manage that aspect of either.

He doesn't use the term 'slave.'   He says i'm 'His'.  Maybe that's a very wise distinction on his part. 'Slave' pulls in, besides many loaded historical and present day connotations, an enormous number of notions from out there as to what a 'slave' ought or ought not to be.  I use the term because I have given and he has asked for all of me, all the time, unconditionally and to the best of my ability.  Sometimes i just wish my ability were more than it is.  'His' for him, thus for me, means i am to be what he wants me to be, no more, no less, and not otherwise.

I suppose the best way to get the 'joyfully' part back is to go now and work on my juggling......


12 comments:

  1. Hugs! I hope your responsibilities get more manageable soon. We all have those overwhelmed, unjoyful times.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. Oddly, being more joyful helps me Magee better. Once I can get it going.

      Delete
  2. "...means I am to be what he wants me to be, no more, no less, and not otherwise."

    So very true, love this. Yes, I have had the same thoughts and feelings. I usually manage it poorly when I am hormonal/PMS'ing but this is something we are working on.

    XOXO, Pearl

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There are so many factors aren't there? How he responds helps too. Thank you.

      Delete
  3. oh gg dont ever think your alone in wandering if your not good enough, i cant speak for others but gosh yes at times i have these thoughts that im not good enough and am i cut out for this, a lot of it personally for me stems from insecurities and lack of confidence.

    I strive to serve and be joyful in my service but sometimes its a bloody struggle.

    hope all calms down for you soon.

    x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you tori. Absolutely - lack of confidence and insecurity and everything overwhelming. But I think He deserves my effort at this, even if I'm never going to be perfect.

      Delete
  4. We are all rowing the same boat, have all had those feelings. Just today Master thanked me for all i do for Him.. i struggled with it. Sometimes life is just too darn much! Joyful service is the ideal....even motherhood is not joyful all the time.
    hugs abby

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Abby. I suppose no one is joyful all the time. I just need to keep working on my balance and my outlook.

      Delete

  5. Just wanted to say that I enjoy reading your Blog and thanks for opening your heart and sharing your personal experiences with others.

    Also I would like to invite you and all of your Female Slave Readers to join me over at Slave Space.

    http://slavespace.wordpress.com

    I created this new WordPress Community so it could be a special place on the Internet where all Mature Female Slaves over 40 can hang out and discuss our lifestyle.

    Hope 2 see U there too !!!

    Sincerely,

    Ken's Pet Slave Slut Mindy



    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Mindy, thanks for the comment and welcome.

      Delete
  6. 'I have no idea if other people ever wonder if they are good enough, or fit for their role or are living up to what they have agreed to be.'

    Oh yes. All.The.Damn.Time.

    ReplyDelete