summer

It's looking like i might be just about that speed with my posts over the summer - maybe even fewer words....

he said no

He's away - I had a little bit of time with no one else around........

I texted and asked - i even said please.........

And he said no......

That almost never happens..........

I told him i ran already today..........

He said, "Great!"  But No.....

Damn!

Asking is supposed to be the challenge in and of itself.....

He's not supposed to say no.

      -----------------

Now i'm really anxious for him to get home.

.....after

My orgasms are a funny thing - every once in awhile i can be fully engaged, worked up and turned on, but just know that it won't happen.

My husband is funny about my orgasms - he loves to make me come.  I always feel i've let him down on those occasions when i know it won't happen.  Most of the time he gives me a "your loss" and carries on.

This was one of those times.

We talked about it afterwards, wrapped up in each other on the bed. This was different - this time.  I needed for it to be harsher and to push me.  I needed to have to work to give him what he wanted.  And I needed for him to just take.  

Mouse put it in words after my last post:  I needed to suffer.

It wasn't about sex this time.  It was about giving myself to him.  Surrendering to him.   There is always an element of that.  But this time I needed just that.  It's a whole separate but intertwined aspect of the whole thing.

Maybe fully surrendering would mean also giving him the orgasm he asked for, but my body is fickle  and after all these years, we're still figuring her out.  

during......

I waited, on the bed, in position - but with a small blanket over me.It's still in the 50's - including in our house.  

This is a tough one for me; there's no explicit rule for this one.  If he wants me to suffer just a little - he has me wait naked and very chilled and then tolerates no complaints or shivering.  If he wants me playful and ready and sweetly submissive - he lets me cover up while i wait - being very cold kills my arousal and takes all my energy for remaining civil - much less happy subbie.

He hadn't told me what he was looking for this time.   But it was a longer wait - so i pulled over a blanket.  

He snickered when he finally came up - and pulled off the blanket - but didn't chide me.

He put the collar on me - backwards - and i know what that often means.  Then onto the bench.  

He used only the crop - for a long time.  He let me accommodate to each level, keeping an intensity and cadence until i relaxed and absorbed.  But he switched and increased just enough to keep me from floating off.  Eventually he found an intensity i just couldn't manage, and he pushed until i broke down. He found the areas on my upper thighs, the sides of my hips....  

Then came the hook, the overload of sensations being pushed in.  He tied it to the collar ring just so, heavy and there, not quite really painful - but not enough room to un-tense my body either.  

Then the flogger, the one that is long and leather and heavy.  He can make it feel like a caress, or a sensuous stroke with just a hint of pain, or he can make it bruise and also sting like hell where the ends wrap around to the most sensitive parts of me.   That last part is what he went for this time.  

I was tensed and i was bawling.  It took all my effort to breath and to maintain position.  At one point he whispered in my ear that he loves this flogger - he loves the intense red and heat of my ass with it, that it makes him so hard... That helped me endure.  I wanted to endure.  

I remember being helped off the bench and onto the bed.  And then his fingers, then hand, then fist.  I have to work very, very hard to stay open to him for that.  It sounds backwards - fighting to relax - but that's what it is.  It is, for us, pure demand and taking on his part and pure giving and surrendering on my part.  

And it was all what i needed then.

 

before........

Him (whispered in my ear even though no one else is around):  11:15.  I would like you showered, undressed, upstairs, ready -- physically and mentally.

Me (in my head but apparently also evident on my face): that's very soon, i can get ready physically, but mentally.....?

Me (out loud but quietly, sincerely): i don't know if i can get to the right place mentally

Him (as he walks out): then I will get you there, you just show up physically....