the more things change....

I guess the patterns are the same - but change is change - and as much as i am not someone who hates change - i also need some time to learn the new world order when it happens

I've always had body-image problems - as in - i really don't like my body.  My husband loves my body - i actually do believe that.  That's one area that D/s, M/s, ttwd has really helped - i believe him when he says that.

But last week it all took a nosedive and it was so bad that i didn't want him to look at me or touch me or be physically near me.  This wasn't just a casual wishing i were younger/firmer/prettier - it was a deep, visceral feeling that i couldn't overcome and couldn't hide from him.  As you can imagine - that didn't work for him.

He neither forged ahead without any consideration of my distress, nor did he back away or coddle me - any of which i think would have destroyed me at the time - He listened.  He demanded service - but he tolerated my detachment from him during.  He caned me as hard as he has in a very long time.  And he made it clear that when he gets back into town i need to be back on track in a number of areas.

I've been stressed, haven't been sleeping well, not eating or exercising as well....All of which are factors I'm sure.  I'm also a woman of a certain age - though he has forbidden me to use the M word - he's going the ostrich route with this one.  I'm nevertheless occasionally overcome with moods and funks that don't make any rational sense.

So this week i'm working very hard at eating better, moving more, trying to sleep (still can't seem to force that one), and working to figure out how to manage the changes, or adapt to the new world order.

I get to go away soon - for two whole weeks - part of which He will be able to join me and we will have an actual vacation together - somewhere cooler, with lots of activity and movement and scenery and Us time. All good reasons to get back on track - that - plus the fact that he told me to.

how to stay horny

at the risk of being blunt......

As he left - for the week this time - he told me i may play without permission as much as i want (he's in a different hemisphere this time and tough for him to text back to me)

Actually - what he told me was that he wants me needy and ready when he returns.  He knows how long and how incredibly busy my week ahead will be.  My focus will not be on him and will not be on sex.  Which  he said is the point of the permission.

I've not been overwhelmingly needy lately - in fact i've been cruising along in, "independent, self-sufficient, i-got-this-thanks" mode for awhile.  Mostly because that's what's been needed - partly because it's just too much trouble to shift out of that mode for the brief times we've had together lately...

I sound pretty cavalier about that - i'm not.  I do really wish i could be much more submissive - in that really good - dare-i-say-it - slave zone.  That is a really good place for both of us. And i miss it.  I'm still His - still obedient - still doing what he wants - but i'm not living with him in the front of my mind - maybe others know what i'm talking about - maybe this is just the way we are and where our lives are for the moment and it is what it is.    

But my sexual feelings are all tied up in it all - of course - that's part of the design, right?  A very strong way for him to manipulate and access and control me.....  A way i offer myself, serve him, surrender and submit....

More correctly - my sexual feelings are all tied up in him - not so much self generated anymore.

So i have no idea how to get myself where he wants, no idea whether free rein or full restriction or (I shuddered at the suggestion) required orgasms are the best way to get me there.

Writing here helps keep me connected to the idea of submission - thus to him and how he would like me to be.  I will follow the rules and try to have him in mind during the times i can disengage my brain from other things.

We shall see........

Finally - some answers

I have been going flat out for what feels like months now - and i'm not sure there is really an end in sight.  

I've been working on answering the questions from MC Kitten and Ava Grace bit by bit and am finally finished.  Thank you both for the kind nomination and i'm sorry it was so long in coming.  Given how out of time i am, i'm going to forgo making any nominations of my  own.  

MC Kitten - and my 11 questions are - 

1. What's your favourite colour?  It is actually green - i didn't wander too far for my screen name.

2. If you could go anywhere in the world for a week's holiday, where and why?  We love to travel and we've been lucky to have had opportunities to go to unexpected places and see and do some incredible things.  But there never seems to be enough time....  So, if I had a whole week that was 'extra' and i could completely choose - i would love to go visit friends i've left in various places we've moved away from.  

3. What's your favourite book? (If you can pick just one!)

Oh i really can't.  I'm re-reading Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy right now - but it was handy and so i picked it up.  I will read anything - almost - except history/biography or historical fiction (unless there are witches, vampires, etc involved).  

4. What's your favourite band? (Again, if you can pick just one!)

So many moods for so much and so many kinds of music....

5. What kink do you love, even though it really surprises you that you love it?

Him pissing on me - I wouldn't say i like it - but it has a profound impact on me and is good for putting me, putting us straight again.

6. If you were an animal, what would you be?

I don't usually look at things this way,  'what if i could be something else' - but the past few weeks i've watched a Robin raise her (his?) brood - there are many, many days that i would love to have the time/ability/luxury to have that kind of singleness of purpose in raising my kids.  I know - not very slavey - not putting Him first - but that's the heartstring that is being pulled these days.

7. Which sex related toy could just not be without?

These days the cane is keeping us connected and me half way sane - so - grudgingly - i say the cane.

8. Which sex related toy would you be quite happy if it fell off the face of the earth?

There are a few i struggle with - the canes, the big plug, and a certain heavy wood paddle - but if i'm totally honest - they are good for me in spite of my loathing.

9. What's the last thing you do at night?

Ask permission to get in bed.  There may or may not be other talk or activities after that - but that is a constant - when he's home.  

10. What's your favourite month of the year, and why?

This year it was May - it was a looooong, cooooold winter and usually April is the perfect Spring month here, but it all got pushed back this year.  Gardening is my unwinding, escape, re-charging, and meditation - and it all begins again then.

11. What's your favourite snack, healthy or otherwise?!

    Chocolate - there are any other possible answers to that question?

Ava Grace - And my questions for the Nominees:

1. Do you like to read?  
Yes would be an understatement.  I have no will power though with books - I end up neglecting everything and everyone around me, to a really unacceptable level.  Books make me do things i never do (late for work, not really attending to meals, or kids, or my husband, completely checking out mentally.)

2. What authors do you read?   
I have found that i love being re-introduced to the books i loved through my kids - from the classics i read to them when they were young (I read several Narnia books to them on one very long car trip) to their insatiable appetite for Sci Fi and fantasy now (Asimov, Tolkein, Lewis, Jordan.....).  But honestly - Dickens is the only author i've run across that i just can't read.  

3. What word/s by your Master/Daddy/Sir/Dominant brings flutters to your heart?
You are mine.

4. Favourite colour?  Greengirl fit - for a number of reasons 

5. Favourite television show/movie/book?
Princess Bride - but - like everything else - i'm either very open and well-rounded, or completely undiscriminating and without taste - depending on your take on it.  

6. Make-up or no make-up?
No make-up.  In so many ways i am not very good at being a girl.  This is one of them.
  

7.  Favourite piece of lingerie?
And this is another way i am no good at being a girl - and he doesn't care much about lingerie either so i never formed the habit.

8. Do you enjoy travelling?
Oh yes - we've been very lucky in the opportunities we've had to travel.  We will choose an adventure over a sit still vacation every single time.

9. Do you enjoy the sweet delight of women or men alone?  
This is an odd one for me to answer - i've had hopeless crushes on women, but i never could figure out what to do about it.  My husband is completely adamant about monogamy and views men and women as equally off limits - so i never did and won't explore that realm.  

10. What did you want to be when you were a child?
A doctor, the crazy scientist living in the crazy house at the end of the street, both......

11. Dreams for the future?
As hokey as it sounds, i don't plan or dream ahead in that way.  I very much make the choices that are put before me, explore the paths i see and live in the now.