at the risk of being blunt......
As he left - for the week this time - he told me i may play without permission as much as i want (he's in a different hemisphere this time and tough for him to text back to me)
Actually - what he told me was that he wants me needy and ready when he returns. He knows how long and how incredibly busy my week ahead will be. My focus will not be on him and will not be on sex. Which he said is the point of the permission.
I've not been overwhelmingly needy lately - in fact i've been cruising along in, "independent, self-sufficient, i-got-this-thanks" mode for awhile. Mostly because that's what's been needed - partly because it's just too much trouble to shift out of that mode for the brief times we've had together lately...
I sound pretty cavalier about that - i'm not. I do really wish i could be much more submissive - in that really good - dare-i-say-it - slave zone. That is a really good place for both of us. And i miss it. I'm still His - still obedient - still doing what he wants - but i'm not living with him in the front of my mind - maybe others know what i'm talking about - maybe this is just the way we are and where our lives are for the moment and it is what it is.
But my sexual feelings are all tied up in it all - of course - that's part of the design, right? A very strong way for him to manipulate and access and control me..... A way i offer myself, serve him, surrender and submit....
More correctly - my sexual feelings are all tied up in him - not so much self generated anymore.
So i have no idea how to get myself where he wants, no idea whether free rein or full restriction or (I shuddered at the suggestion) required orgasms are the best way to get me there.
Writing here helps keep me connected to the idea of submission - thus to him and how he would like me to be. I will follow the rules and try to have him in mind during the times i can disengage my brain from other things.
We shall see........
That cruising along, independent, I've got this thanks thing is something I'm quite familiar with. The fact is that, despite what might be our preference in an ideal world, the world is not always "ideal." And, given that, we do need to be able to take on whatever comes our way. I've experienced the damping down of that horny feeling that seems to be a side effect of the necessity for self sufficiency. It seems to be part of the way some of us are wired. I don't have any advice, really. All I know to do is keep your head up, do what is needed, remember that nothing stays the same forever. This too shall pass.
ReplyDeleteSue,
DeleteThank you. It does cycle up and down. And in the end - he wants me in the world and to do well in the world. As much as the fantasy of retreating and being only for him - it just isn't reality. And wouldn't be good for either of us in any case. And yes - it will all cycle around again.
I have been, in fact i am where you are. Family has kept me away,and very busy....on many days, i end up in bed exhausted, not having thought of submission at all. I have received some texts with instructions...like, a long shower, playing with yourself this morning....and it helps.....but only a bit. So no good advice..just a lot of sympathy and understanding.
ReplyDeleteThis too shall pass...
hugs abby
abby,
DeleteThank you. I suppose that if we really were to withdraw from the world, there would be a whole different set of issues that would come up - so i work at this - and probably working at it is a good thing too.
Yes i think we have all been here! (as you already saw on my last post) ... something that I think is interesting is that when he told you you couldn't entertain yourself you were driven crazy (I can't remember which post that was), but given the freedom to enjoy orgasm you seem to be struggling. Perhaps like the dove that requires the resistance of the air to be truly free you truly need his command to find pleasure ;) ava x
ReplyDeleteava grace - that's a really good point - in terms of the blog - that was just a few posts ago - in real life - it feels like a lifetime. So it's good to be reminded that the way i feel now is very much a phase that will pass - that i am, at other times, very connected, or many places in between. Thank you.
DeleteI can totally relate to those cycles. I have them during the course of a day, a week, a month,etc. When I am tired or have a lot going on (I own my own business) I DO NOT feel submissive. And without dominance it is really difficult to get to that place mentally. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteBrooke,
DeleteWelcome. And Thank you. Oh I could sit and ponder all day the questions of submitting actively because I choose to - vs. because he is dominant and 'makes' me. It's never at all that simple, and i never have that kind of time anyhow. It truly is a back and forth, and i have to do my part.
Well, if he wants you needy and ready when he returns, I have a bit of advice. First, don't start too early. Think about him, and sexy situations as much as you want, but don't try to work yourself into a sexual frenzy state, or you'll become tired too early. At least this is my experience. Start when he's nearly there, the final countdown, if you can. At the finally countdown, do some periodic self teasing. Every now and then just a little touch and think of him, a pet, a slap or a tweak, whatever turns you on most. Anyway, it works for me.
ReplyDeleteHe does - tho - as he put it - he'll fuck me either way. And for me - there's appeal to that too. In fact, i do appreciate the advice. More than my body - i need to have my mind ready for him to come back - and it is too easy for me to deny to myself that the two are hardwired to each other. It's also too easy for me to just skip it and know he will take what he wants - so it doesn't matter. The 'right' thing to do is to do the work to want him.
DeleteI have felt this way too. I wonder though...can't being a slave to him and enjoying your sexuality with him and through him be the real world? I know we have to have jobs and eat and take care of kids, etc, but it seems to me enjoying play with yourself and him can be part of the real world. Setting valuable time aside to unwind, have orgasms, relieve stress...sex can be a great stress reducer! I look at all its benefits and think how important it really is. Not only does it feel realllly good, it also connects Master and I in our unique way. It does bring about submission and the power exchange, it also makes me feel loved and desired. Maybe just focusing on yourself and your own pleasure for a few days will help re-ignite the passion and desire you crave with him. Best wishes x
ReplyDeleteThank you. I think that is a bit of the landscape right now - we are both externally focused - it's life and it doesn't last forever and we do choose to be so busy and challenged. And we both know that cycle will change. And you are right, of course - sex does connect us and it does feed the power exchange and it is hugely important. I need to get over myself a bit and make it happen.
DeleteGreengirl,
ReplyDeleteI'm so in that "I've got it thanks" mode right now and he is so far from being in the front of my mind...yikes.
I miss the intimacy, I miss that slavezone.
But little moments here and there stolen from the fog have helped.
To be given such free rein in this way--I would find that challenging, too (well you know, speaking from the vantage point of a few months ago) I guess it depends on what gets you to that almost or orgasmy place.
It's awfully nice when they can be in an entirely different part of the world and yet they are still with us and we feel it.
Exactly. That slavezone is wonderfully lovely - but it's also not possible full time - and i don't consider that a failing on our parts - it just isn't the way life works. I have a bad habit of pining away for that place - without putting in the effort needed to keep up my side of the whole thing. It is work to shift our of "i got this" mode - but i need to do that work.
Delete"So i have no idea how to get myself where he wants, no idea whether free rein or full restriction or (I shuddered at the suggestion) required orgasms are the best way to get me there. "
ReplyDeleteYea...I don't think I would even know how to begin trying to make myself cum on my own anymore...
lil - thanks. As it turns out, i fell apart in a whole different direction - so i have different work to do.
Delete