The flip side

Literally and more figuratively...

When he wants to play with pain, it usually involves my backside, and usually involves impact - which - well - i happen to be all on board with.  It often progresses from there and the front side eventually gets its attention too, but there is something very primal about being face down - whether tied or just ordered there.  I can't see him and i know he can't see my face, i'm disconnected from him a bit, there's the edge of objectification vs. a face to face struggle.  I have to listen more, but my mind can float more easily being not tethered to him so directly.

This time though he tied me on my back and blindfolded me - the blindfold was important i think.  I had no idea what was coming - the same kind of impact he usually likes - my ass, my back, even my thighs can take that - but i'm not so sure at all about my frontside parts surviving that.  I suppose that's why the instinct is to curl up and protect the soft underbelly and let the back take whatever's coming.  This felt much more vulnerable   I also couldn't see his face to gauge what he might have in mind.  I was facing him, i wanted to connect with him, i should be connected to him in that way in this position.  It kept me following him with my mind, attending to him rather than floating off - well, that and the fear.

Instead of impact though, he focused on other sensations - lots of clothespins, clamps, and the prickly wheel thing that mixes tickling with pain and makes my skin crawl  - evil.  Slow and methodical, every part held open and unprotected.



A few days later a lot of pieces of things that had been floating around in my head, things just out of my awareness i think, came together.  I came to bed wanting him very much, and without the self-consciousness that usually tinges my bedtime routine.  Actually - I didn't just want him.  I very much wanted to give myself to him, to open to him, to be his.  It occurred to me, as i climbed into bed, then tried to crawl inside his skin, as I melted completely into him and felt him reach out and envelope me, felt him accept my surrender to him, that being his is all the pieces of our lives.

It's not just the things that seem M/s, the things i often think i am missing or need more of, that bind us this way, though they are absolutely part of it all: service, obedience, expectations, use...  We didn't have this kind of intimacy or depth, i never knew this kind of wanting existed, until we figured out what it really means for him to own me, for me to surrender to him.

But, the flip side, part of the thoughts just out of reach in my head, is that we have this because of the day to day also.  We work towards common goals, we struggle together, we are patient with each other, we lose patience with each other, we hurt with and for each other, we celebrate each other, we joke and tease each other, we dream about our future together.

The fantasy of the detached, somewhat cold and harsh, demanding and stern Master, and the slave with the edge of nervousness and eagerness to please, the dynamic that is pure Dominance on one side and pure submission on the other - that fantasy works really, really well as a fantasy.  But it would never engender the complete desire to surrender all that i am to him that we have now.