click

It's a process - i used to think there was a goal and an endpoint - but that's very clearly not so

I've been so conflicted - unable to reconcile two incredibly distinct parts of myself, so afraid i would need to give up one or the other piece of the whole

I'm starting to see how it can work, how i can move forward, take it deeper, dedicate myself wholly to both parts

And it's a palpable relief, a constant weight lifted, and a joy i've been missing

responding poorly

I wear a collar - except it's a very, very ordinary necklace.  It has that meaning to the two of us:  taking it off would be asking for my release or him releasing me.  But it wouldn't give the least hint of 'collar' to even someone who was looking for it.  It certainly doesn't intrude on my consciousness, but i do reach for it and fiddle with it when i'm thinking, or especially when i'm pondering Us or Him or aspects of our relationship, or - you know - when i'm horny.

Recently he presented me with a bracelet.  He said he wanted me to have something that he could have me wear when he wanted me to be more explicitly aware and mindful of our dynamic, something that would perhaps intrude on my consciousness. This bracelet is wider and leather, with metal bits, and a D ring and another point of attachment on the back. I quite like the look, a little Mad Max, maybe steampunk, I'm not really a delicate, fine jewelry kind of girl.  It is however unmistakably BDSM.  It's more a pretty cuff than an interesting bracelet.

And when he gave it to me - i said so, I pointed out that anyone who has any inkling will recognize it immediately for what it is.   I balked.  I didn't receive it well, i responded with my first thoughts and impulse rather than paying attention to him and what he was asking.  He listened to me, he didn't get upset.  He even asked if it would feel less exposing if he took the D ring off.

And I've felt awkward and sorry about it ever since.  It's not even a matter of "my husband tried to do something nice for me and i shot him down" though i guess it's that too.  I didn't listen to him and keep myself open to doing what he asked.  He asked me to do something a bit challenging, something a little out of my comfort, that carries just a little risk of embarrassment or awkwardness for me - but not real risk of real harm.  And i didn't obey, i argued.

It seems silly to write it now - it's a fairly small thing - our lives go on.  But he's been moving us, changing expectations and shifting, deepening the everyday parts of our dynamic.  It's subtle; he doesn't tell me what or when, there's no list or explanation of the new rules or ways to be.  I have to pay attention and play catch up.  And with this, i didn't catch up at all.

Level 1: How You Live.

I ran across this series of questions on Sofia's blog.  She pinged back to this blog, Our Master/slave journey.    The questions were, apparently, originally posed on Fetlife, but I don't have access to that so i'm citing the secondary sources.  I'm not sure why they are called "levels" but I'm keeping the format as much as possible.  

He and i haven't had some of these discussions explicitly and the series of questions seemed like a really useful way for us to start conversations and to see if we are on the same page - it has happened before that we aren't.  

Level 1: How You Live. Who steers the overall course of your lives? Who decides where each of you will live, how each of you will be educated, and what each of you will do for a living? Who has decision-making authority over money, major purchases (house, car, boat), and vacations?

Parts of this questions don't quite fit.  We were married a long time before we became whatever it is we are now.  We were already educated, working, had kids, living together, and settled where we were...  We had already made most of the big purchases - car, house, etc.,  The big decisions were made together i guess.  We mostly did whatever made the most sense for the us, eventually for the family.  

Big picture, i have always done a lot of flexing, bending, scrambling and working to accommodate what he needs to do to keep and succeed at his job.  Of course, his job supports us. On the other hand, he has worked hard and actively put up with a good deal to allow me to pursue my career - including moving across the country.

I don't feel like our 'system' has changed.  He has always managed finances.  I have a good idea what we can spend - and i am a sensible girl and not a big spender in any case, so i have no allowance or restrictions.  Big decisions get made together (vacations, travel/schedules, new car when it became necessary, work on the house, the usual life things).  He defers to me on decorating and landscaping because he hates those decisions.  I defer to him on bigger finance stuff, home maintenance and most car stuff because he will do what he will do anyhow.  Mostly that stuff just kind of flows - I defer to him at times, and i know that he goes my way at times, whether he sees my point or doesn't feel as strongly about it, or whatever.

I will say that the overall mindset i feel is that he makes the final call, though i don't think that was any different before ttwd.  I think he has always been good at managing me, whether i was aware of it or not.  And i think he very much makes decisions based on the good of our family and not his own ego.  That hasn't changed.  In the end - if it were clear that i needed to change or give something up for the good of our family - or even just for Him - I would.  But  he would do the same if needed.  I haven't been faced with being asked to change or give something up at this level just because he wants it that way; he has never asked anything like that of me.  In theory he could, but it hasn't happened.

One area we do have difficulty at times is in decisions about our kids - how to handle different aspects of raising them, how to approach them in different things, what to do in crises.  We want the same things for them, but neither of us has all the right answers, and we both know that.  Our instincts about them are sometimes different from one another.  We talk and talk and talk, (ok - i cry sometimes).  In the end, if he feels strongly enough about something to say he wants a certain thing done or not done - i go along with that.  I'm not sure that's any different because of a power exchange though.

David

He was one of the first people to comment on my very first post when i began blogging.  It was an encouraging and personal comment: he revealed just a bit about himself and his humanity in order to reassure me in my start.  It was classic David.

Over the years he continued to comment occasionally.  We emailed and eventually chatted every once in awhile.  He was, in my very limited and virtual experience of him, a consummate gentleman. He was polite, with a tinge of formal, but more than anything else he was about sharing ideas.  There was never an, "I think this is the way....,"  or, "You should think/do/believe this....."  He offered his views, accepted mine, and opened the way organically for conversation and consideration.

It had been quite a long time since i had last chatted with him, and his comments and his own posts to his blog had become much further between.  That seems to be the natural order of these things.  I did know that he had developed a special friendship with one blogger in particular.  It was so very evident how much they cared for each other, and how much his style, his mentoring, his friendship meant to her and was good for her.

David passed away a few weeks ago.  Hearing of his death, my first thoughts were for her loss, the anguish she surely must be experiencing.  But also, I thought of the unique and important voice this community has lost.

She's doing it again......

And it's a good thing.    If you want to do it too, details are below!

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Tuesday, Dec. 10, 2014 will be the Five Year Anniversary of the Great Online Cookie Exchange Extravaganza ... (the crowd cheers)... and we'd love for you to join us in the fun! 

The rules are simple. Just post a recipe for a holiday goodie on Tuesday, Dec. 10, 2014.

(The name isn't strictly accurate. We welcome all types of goodies.)

Anyone is welcome to join in ... but

    There's One Condition:

If you want your blog to show up in the official list of participant links, you MUST contact me (Jz) by Monday, Dec. 9, with both your name and the URL of your blog. 

a first ever

This is the so innocent looking, cute little magnet thingys.........

so innocent looking

4 tiny balls of steel - a little smaller than marbles, a little bigger than bb's, apparently with magnets inside....

On my nipples first, each one pinched between two, so innocent looking...  "look, shiny, won't that be cute when they're on?"  I don't ever really do this - but i screamed and panicked so much he took them right back off.

Then just behind my nipples, they pushed the nipples out making them longer, flushed, the tips so, so sensitive - i never care about the view of my own body, never look at myself unless i have to, but i kind of liked the way this looked.  And the sensation -  aahhhh - perfect - a little pressure, a pinch, a very slowly dawning pain.  It mixed perfectly with the other things he was doing to me.

I have no idea how long they were on, he was distracting me very effectively.  But HOLY HELL - when he did take them off - not like the panic when he first tried them - but very, very intense, deep, grabbed all the far reaches of my brain and focused all of me on those two spots, and made me fight for enough control to not scream again.  THAT. HURT!

But the orgasm after..............parts of me liked it all well enough......

that old cliche

The one about be careful what you wish for....

Or maybe the one about asking and receiving....


I was eventually able to explain what was in my head.  To ask.  He reassured me - sternly - I'm not even sure how that works.

He has changed things and in ways I hadn't expected.  Day to day things, interactions things, expectations.  And I'm not necessarily meeting expectations well, I'm outright screwing up sometimes in fact.  I'm a little off balance and that makes me less complacent and more attentive to him.  It pushes me a little.  Oddly - it makes me feel more secure.

And he has found times and ways to scratch my darker itches too.  I still don't understand why those desires wax and wane the way they do.  But being pushed physically and mentally, suffering and enduring instead of floating off into subspace and happy orgasms....sometimes I just need that.

I've had too many conversations in my head and with him about this feeling like service topping, or me demanding/him doing.  I have to let that go and accept that part of what was opened up in me with all this was needs and desires i hadn't allowed before.  He wants this part of me, he wants my needs and desires and he wants me open to him - so he accepts responsibility for this part of me too.

 

first time in a long time

For the first time in a long time i was overcome - completely devastated and crushed - by the feeling that the things i crave are too much, too wrong, too twisted, and too far.

I don't understand why i go through the phases i seem to do - being female ain't really so grand sometimes.

But i do - and sometimes those cycles take me down the rabbit hole of overwhelming desire for the very dark.

If he has cycles, if he has desires, whatever he imagines or fantasizes about - he doesn't share with me, so i have no idea.

This time was bad.  I fell apart because - well - because it was too much.  I was sure he would be appalled, disgusted, disappointed.    I have no right to ask him to come down this rabbit hole with me.
I still don't understand why i'm wired this way, still am not sure it's a good thing.  And i still don't know how to handle this part of this particular  roller coaster.