For the first time in a long time i was overcome - completely devastated and crushed - by the feeling that the things i crave are too much, too wrong, too twisted, and too far.
I don't understand why i go through the phases i seem to do - being female ain't really so grand sometimes.
But i do - and sometimes those cycles take me down the rabbit hole of overwhelming desire for the very dark.
If he has cycles, if he has desires, whatever he imagines or fantasizes about - he doesn't share with me, so i have no idea.
This time was bad. I fell apart because - well - because it was too much. I was sure he would be appalled, disgusted, disappointed. I have no right to ask him to come down this rabbit hole with me.
I still don't understand why i'm wired this way, still am not sure it's a good thing. And i still don't know how to handle this part of this particular roller coaster.