For the first time in a long time i was overcome - completely devastated and crushed - by the feeling that the things i crave are too much, too wrong, too twisted, and too far.
I don't understand why i go through the phases i seem to do - being female ain't really so grand sometimes.
But i do - and sometimes those cycles take me down the rabbit hole of overwhelming desire for the very dark.
If he has cycles, if he has desires, whatever he imagines or fantasizes about - he doesn't share with me, so i have no idea.
This time was bad. I fell apart because - well - because it was too much. I was sure he would be appalled, disgusted, disappointed. I have no right to ask him to come down this rabbit hole with me.
I still don't understand why i'm wired this way, still am not sure it's a good thing. And i still don't know how to handle this part of this particular roller coaster.
*shoulder bump*
ReplyDeleteThank you - sincerely.
DeleteMaybe we don't have to know how to handle it?
ReplyDeleteSometimes i can just let it be, flow with it, ignore it, or at least just tell him and let him manage me. Other times i can't - i crash, i hide, i want to quit, i want to not be this way and not drag him down with me (Monkey's description below is a pretty good one). I'm thankful that he has learned to manage me when I can't handle myself - i just need to learn to let him, even when it's bad.
DeleteWhat does he say when you tell him you are afraid he'll be repelled?
ReplyDeleteEssentially, that i'm wrong and that i'm looking at it wrong. That he won't do anything he doesn't want to. That he doesn't do these things or feel it all the same way i do but that it is what he wants for us to be and it's not for me to question his motivations. I think that's the aspect of the power differential that is hardest for me - it is very hard for me to be so open with him about my deepest thoughts and feelings - and from him i have to be content with what he chooses to reveal.
DeleteRight there with you at times gg. Communication helps. If only it were that simple.
ReplyDeleteHugs,
mouse
I don't know why it can me right and simple enough most of the time then the wheels fall off out of the blue. But yes - the only thing that helped this time was telling him - all of what i was feeling.
DeleteFrom one rollercoaster girl to another, sometimes all you can do is throw your hands up and scream. If you have to throw up do it on the curve so the centrifugal force keeps it out of your lap., and remember, the ride will end.
ReplyDeleteHA - perfect image! Though i think my husband is pretty sure the mess ends up in his lap every single time. Thank you.
Delete(((hugs)))) has he ever given you any reason to believe that your desires repel him?
ReplyDeleteJust asking because I've felt like this from time to time (but not so intensely I think) tho for me it's more about fear of rejection, than shame at what I find seductive, anyway, he has never given me real reason to think I'm repelling him, I just worry about it pre-emptively if you see what i mean!
He hasn't - this is an insecurity on my part - He has been on board and open from the very beginning. I would be more comfortable if it had all originated from him, i I were following and maybe working to keep up so to speak. But maybe not - maybe this is the balance necessary for us. And yea - i worry pre-emptively all the time. Not his favorite feature of me.
DeleteThe only thing I can say is that I understand.
ReplyDeleteJust when you think that you are both in a good place and on the same page, something new comes up and you feel like THIS will be the moment he decides that I've gone too far.
Be gentle on yourself, you would expect the same from us.
thank you - You're right - things can't say always the same - they have to change - but sometimes change makes me anxious. I am working on accepting - thank you.
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