The one about be careful what you wish for....
Or maybe the one about asking and receiving....
I was eventually able to explain what was in my head. To ask. He reassured me - sternly - I'm not even sure how that works.
He has changed things and in ways I hadn't expected. Day to day things, interactions things, expectations. And I'm not necessarily meeting expectations well, I'm outright screwing up sometimes in fact. I'm a little off balance and that makes me less complacent and more attentive to him. It pushes me a little. Oddly - it makes me feel more secure.
And he has found times and ways to scratch my darker itches too. I still don't understand why those desires wax and wane the way they do. But being pushed physically and mentally, suffering and enduring instead of floating off into subspace and happy orgasms....sometimes I just need that.
I've had too many conversations in my head and with him about this feeling like service topping, or me demanding/him doing. I have to let that go and accept that part of what was opened up in me with all this was needs and desires i hadn't allowed before. He wants this part of me, he wants my needs and desires and he wants me open to him - so he accepts responsibility for this part of me too.
I know all about those 'head conversations'.....i am learning to have them out loud with Master.....glad you are also....
ReplyDeletehugs abby
Thanks abby - it does turn out better when i do them out loud with him rather than just with myself.
Deletewell you KNOW I have those head conversations - arguments in my case - all the time! ((((hugs))))
ReplyDeletewell done you on managing to communicate. I hear you on the worry about demanding and him doing merely because you want it. I think I'm finally getting to the realisation that he not only wants this but WANTs this, independently, not just because he wants me to be happy and fulfilled, but because my discovery of all TTWD has enabled him to discover it and discover wants and needs within himself too.
mnd kitten - that's it exactly - i'm not sure why it's so hard for me to trust this but it is bad for us when i don't. thank you
DeleteIt's weird gg, but mouse has had thousands of conversations with Omega in her head, the real ones are never exactly like it. Even if mouse is completely certain that he will say this or that, it's almost always the exact opposite that happens.
ReplyDeleteCommunication is the key, because you can't really predict,what they think or will say.
And expressing your dark thoughts or wanting to increase other areas of your dynamic isn't topping from the bottom -- as long as he's in control. He's free to accept, implement or reject whatever he wishes. Omega refers to this at suggestions mouse might have to further her submission.
There have been times where he's wanted to deepen mouse's submission to him, but felt mouse wasn't on the same page. Then she has unwittingly brought up the topic, which assures him we are on the same page.
Hugs,
mouse
mouse,
Deletethis is helpful for me - thank you. The idea of suggestions to further my submission - i hadn't thought of it that way - but i think he might appreciate that rather than not want it. thank you.
It is strange sometimes the things that make us feel more secure.
ReplyDeleteSerenity,
DeleteYou would think i would stop being surprised by it. I hope you are well - thank you for stopping by.