Friday, January 16, 2015

in an instant

Absolutely everything changes.

One of my sons has had an extremely serious health crisis.  I know, but i can't really let myself contemplate, how close it was that he wouldn't still be with us.

He is out of immediate danger but has a very long road ahead of him, ahead of us.  And the threat still hangs over us,  and will for a long time.

Everything is different now: constant vigilance, our attention pulled away from the usual things, exhaustion, juggling, trying to hold it all together, not breaking down, not breaking.

Taking care of him is first right now, but also trying to to maintain some kind of normal for our other son, and for us quite frankly.  I know how important it is that we (my husband and I) stay together, stay strong, stay open and connected.

For many reasons, my husband is the one whose job is modified for the time being, which means that for now, he is home during the day and i go to work.  That is hard for me, though i knew it would be. Having him do more here, do things i previously did, is just so necessary right now that i can't really worry about it.  I kind of knew that would be the case as well.  And talk of us, work (and play) towards the 'us' is random and intermittent and very odd, which also seems inevitable and unavoidable.

What has surprised me, and what bothers me and worries me right now are some of my responses.  I'm still obeying, still doing the things i am supposed to do; i've had no impulse or thought of taking off my collar and chucking it all till life is simpler again.  It is all so solid that i really do fall back on it for support rather than find it an added burden.  That's a good surprise i guess.

But, while i find it easy to do and to obey, i am finding it extremely difficult, often impossible, to be open and intimate with him.  I'm horny, very, which makes absolutely no sense at all.  But i can't let him comfort me.  His hand on my shoulder, a hug, holding hands, cuddling - all make me break down, or cringe, or panic.  I know he needs the contact and the intimacy and he needs me open and he needs comfort too.  But i can't see a way through this.  I don't know how.....


22 comments:

  1. I wish I had some answers, or even good advice. But I don't. I hope you can find a way to let him comfort you however you need. Sending good thoughts to you and your family.

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    1. thank you - i'm hoping that things will level off, and i may be able to figure this part out.

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  2. I'm glad to hear that your baby is better (I know he's not a baby anymore, but I also know that our kids will always be our babies, especially when they're in danger).
    I was so happy to read this, I nearly cried. I know it's tough, but you're on an upswing now, and there is a lot of awesome future on the other side of this mountain. For you all.
    Good thoughts to you and yours.

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    1. thank you lil - and he is my baby, even though he hates to realize it. I am hopeful, although i catch myself and tell myself to be careful not to get complacent, there's a lot to get through yet. I hope we can convince him of what you say.

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  3. Greengirl,

    Much love to you and yours.

    I think sometimes, kindness is just too much to bear--if I accept that hug,then I will fall apart and I can't fall apart right now--you are so strong.

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    1. Thank you bleu. I am excellent in the middle of a crisis - i don't panic, i do what needs to be done. But i don't manage the emotions afterwards well. And you're right - I can't fall apart - i just can't.

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  4. I wish I knew what to suggest. Would crying and letting your emotions out have a positive effect. All I can wish you is good luck in dealing with this. At least you feel his support being collared.

    FD

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    1. FD - thank you - i think eventually i will be able to let it all out - but not now and not soon.

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  5. Sending you positive thoughts and hugs.

    Your response to the added stress seems pretty normal to mouse. Sometimes it's related to a feeling of guilt that you (being mom) shouldn't be having fun or it feels selfish to want to be intimate. So you close down that part. Usually it's temporary. It doesn't end either the moment the stress ends, it takes time.

    It's really fantastic tho you haven't taken the collar off or wanted to just to let things lay. That really speaks volumes.

    Sending some hugs and thoughts..

    Love,
    mouse

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    1. mouse - i am happily surprised how strong our relationship is in place - for both of us. It is good to hear that i'm not the only one who reacts this way. Thank you.

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  6. When our worlds shatter apart on us, and spit and determination are the only things holding all that's dear to us within their roughly proper place, it's almost impossible to release the strangle-hold we have on our defenses.
    (Cuz, you know, you've got this world to keep together, hello!)
    Comfort, sadly, is a distraction at this point. Things are too unstable. To divert our attention from that vigilance, even to let someone in, is too dangerous to the structure we have such a precarious hold on.

    You aren't rejecting what the two of you have built, you're just not quite willing to test the glue quite yet. As mouse says, that will come. And the fact that you're finding strength in your relationship, that you're able to use it as an anchor, not feeling like you have to do it all yourself, is how I can feel so sure about that.

    I'm just gonna flat-out hug you again...
    And keep praying.

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    1. That is exactly how i feel - a stranglehold, holding on for dear life to my defenses. And thank you - it helps, it does.

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  7. HUGS...i almost lost my oldest daughter when she was 4....and i had a 3 year old and a 3 month old at home. You get through it because you have to , one day,one hour at a time. You put aside what you have to and concentrate on what you have to. Slowly, you get back, and you can be breathe and concentrate on other things.
    Keeping you all in my thoughts
    hugs abby

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    1. Thank you abby - such a small child - that would be so hard.... One moment at a time is it exactly. And - i'm looking forward to breathing again.

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  8. I'm sorry you had that crisis, but very happy that you still have him. That is a mom's worst fear isn't it?

    It seems like you're avoiding his comfort and intimacy to avoid a breakdown and letting out all the emotions. It will happen when you are ready for it. Much hugs!

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    1. It is a parents absolute worst fear. So helpless to do anything too. We are so grateful he is still here, with us. Eventually we will need to figure out how to help ourselves also. Thank you.

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  9. Exactly who you are is exactly who he loves. That can be hard to remember.
    I am sending you prayers and thoughts of healing.
    XOXO Pearl

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  10. I am new to your blog been reading it a while
    I am sorry for what's happening and offer you my warmest hugs and thoughts of health n healing
    Was always wondering if you could offer me sum advice on my blog
    I completely understand if now is the wrong time
    Xx

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    1. Thank you. I am no expert, but i will gladly visit your blog.

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  11. Oh,gg. I'm so sorry. All my prayers.

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