Tuesday, September 1, 2015

I've always wondered...

What happens when M/s has to take a back seat?  When it just does because that is the way you (both He and me) have prioritized things -

I've always figured that it took a certain amount of resources to make M/s really feasible - not money resources, but time for sure, and the possibility of privacy - and also just enough spare mental energy on each side to put into the dynamic and do the work it needs - and i firmly believe it takes work on both sides.  I recognized that we had that - not a ton - but we had pockets of time, some privacy.  And we had the spare mental energy and emotional reserves.  We could do the work, risk the lows, weather the hard parts.  And it fed itself: the work and the risk made things better which led to more mental energy and emotioanl reserves.

Anyhow - those resources have all been reallocated for now.  They have to be - his choice - but also mine.  It is what is right.  But i have to figure out how to be with this.  How to be what he wants, what works, to be strong and still submissive, to be hopeful and not resentful, to hold onto the intimacy without the same connection, to keep it alive when we can't really feed it enough.

14 comments:

  1. It's a bugger of a situation but hopefully, knowing the whys and wherefores will at least keep resentment at bay.
    For me, at least, if I can get past that, the rest can usually be adapted to.
    And you've got a strong base to stand on...

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    1. You are right - it's all true. And I'm thankful for that. Thank you friend.

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  2. Oh, that strong foundation truly comes into play. Even after everything we have gone through in the past several months, having that touchstone to reach for has made it easier, especially when things weren't easy at all.
    For us, that M/s never went away, it was never truly off the table--though at moments, I wish he had made the actual decision to put it on the back seat--but it made me realize more acutely the separation between our M/s and kink. It also made me see how much we live our lives and not a dynamic, because we weren't actively feeding the M/s. For me, communication is a big deal...I found when the M/s is active, it requires different communication...it has kind of been like learning another language for me.

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    1. No - M/s hasn't been off the table here - and there have been times i also thought it would be easier and better for us if it were. I would love to read more of your thoughts about living your lives not a dynamic - i think that, for us, it takes a lot more intention about our communication to live our dynamic. And that is where i think the mental and emotional energy come in. I agree though - kink cna be separate, it isn't the basis of things - but it can be a strong part of the communication for us. Thanks!

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    2. Urgh. You have such a concise, eloquent way with words. Sometimes, your posts make me think so much and then go off in tangents in your comment box.

      The two of you are so unified, so very strong together. Whatever the way before you is, it doesn't matter because you are still you and doing it together.

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    3. Oh bleu - i love the way your comments make me think. I read that sentence (It also made me see how much we live our lives and not a dynamic, because we weren't actively feeding the M/s.) a few different ways - and all the ways made me see things i hadn't been thinking about.

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  3. No words of wisdom..it will not be easy, but you will get back to it...hugs abby

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  4. Cycles, I know I sound like a broken record, I know that knowing it is part of a cycle does not always help and I know on many fronts the situation sucks. I also know it will come around.

    SJ

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    1. Thank you Sir. I've been informed that it is n't going anywhere and that i need to get myself on board - so yes - it will come around.

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  5. It is difficult to keep things alive when you cannot truly feed them, isn't it?
    I like what Bleu said!

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    1. It is lil - and i did too. hope you are surviving. thanks.

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  6. The truth is that your relationship has changed. The reason doesn't matter. You will feel how you feel about that, and your feelings will change from day to day. Probably. You didn't really ask for advice, but what the heck... Try not to be too hard on yourself. Sometimes you will be pretty level about it all, and then there will be days when you will be angry and resentful and needy and a whole host of other "undesirable" feelings. Except that your feelings will just be your feelings. Try not to put a value judgement on them. Don't label them "good" or "bad." Time will carry you from day to day, and if you simply live the moments as they flow through you, then you will find yourself, and it will be OK. It will be what it is.

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    1. Sue,
      You are so right about some days feeling pretty level about things and other days having way too many feelings about things. Certainly our relationship is changing and i don't know where it will go. Fighting to hold on to what it was is counterproductive though. It's hard to give up what is good and what is comfortable. Thank you for your words.

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