strange train of thought...

I read something a Domme wrote recently about her very difficult childhood and how her mother expectd her to fall in line and do what people told her to, etc., and how that was clearly so unlikely to happen.  The implication was that she has a dominant personality, is dominant (??), and this played a big part in her resiliance growing up.

This writer doesn't know me, doesn't know of me even - so couldn't possibly have been referring to me, of course.  But i heard it as an indictment anyhow.  The implication that came through for me was that submissiveness and submission are weak and undesireable and, by definition not strong and not acceptable ways to survive.

I guess i partly agree - i don't think that going along to get along is always a great strategy and i think it has to eat away at one's self respect and inner strength to kowtow all the time.  I survived my childhood (also not exactly rainbows and unicorns) not through dominance or rebelling but certainly with resiliance and strength and i guess independence.

I would love to discuss with D-types how they honestly feel about s-types sometime - a discussion beyond how they meet their sexual or relationship needs, beyond "i admire the strength it takes to submit," beyond yin-yang.

Because i honestly wonder how you hold in your mind both the unshakeable belief that you are better than she (he) is at all the things/so many of the things and also that she or he is not less than you in some way.  Or - conversely, and more to the point for me- how does one hold in mind both a belief that the other person deserves to lead/should be deferred to and also a belief in her or his (my) own self worth, value, competence,  etc...

By the nature of it, by definition, or by assumption dominance/dominant is higher, in charge, stronger, righter, more capable, pretty much most of the positive superlatives.   You would expect someone who was all that to have some disdain, or at least pity for the people who are lower, weaker, not so right, less capable, etc, etc...

Whether a domineering ass or with refined gentility, or somewhere in between, a D has to have confidence, a certain amount of arrogance; has to believe he or she is right, capable, and deserves to take charge.  I prefer my confidence with a certain amount of humility - but the fact is, by the naure of being D, they believe they ought to lead.

Us s-types, in at least one primary relationship in our lives - believe we shouldn't lead, that the other person is more something than us.   We look up to our D.  We look up to them, we respect them, we admire - even adore them.  We rely on them, often even for things we could absolutely handle ourselves, we defer to them, we submit to them (duh!)   What is there in all that for them to respect, admire, or even desire?

I couldn't explain how it all really works (and for us it really does) to anyone else.  I'm not sure my husband could answer these questions.  But the contradiction is there - at least for those like my husband who doesn't believe i am less than - and wants me to know that also - but does believe he is who and where he belongs in our dynamic, and that i am also.