Thursday, September 17, 2009

need more boxes

I'm having trouble with the boxes again today. Last time - writing things down did allow me to at least feel like I wouldn't lose the trains of thought, and I was able to move on to what I needed to do. I'm hoping that will continue to work. The trains today are a lot more like dragonflies darting around than trains however.

I appreciate your agreeing to read some about these things. It's interesting that I have been obsessively reading what I can online, and giving it all a lot of thought. But I am not in any hurry to have you pass on to me whatever you are reading. This surprises me actually. Something is different because the real (previous) me would have insisted that we work on this together, with the same information, etc. The only reason I can think of for this is that I really don't want to drive your thoughts or ideas about all of this. I seem to have dragged us into this, but if we decide (together) to pursue any aspects of it, we need to have each reached that point on our own. And, this is the part that i find really weird, I don't think i want to know your "secrets." In the little bit that we have done, I have loved being surprised by what you have come up with.

I am trying very hard to slow down, realize that there is no deadline or rush. Partly it's working.

I am leery (that's actually not a strong enough word) of becoming a burden to you. You have so much to deal with right now as it is.

There is a mental struggle i go through: there is no one to judge what or how we do any of this as right or wrong - it is our relationship. As someone put something to me, in a different situation - the end result is partly the main effect of you and partly the main effect of me but mostly the interaction effect of the two of us. On the other hand, this is not a way of relating to one another that either of us would have dreamed of without having stumbled upon a body of literature for it, so to speak. So I do think that there is some value in learning about it. The question is how? How much?

I guess that's enough dragonflies for now.

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