I feel like I need to write this down. I’ve never felt the urge to put my feeling down on paper, never kept a diary and always hated any assignments that were remotely like journaling. But right now I can’t stop the swirling in my head – I hope that writing it down will help me “put things into boxes” like you said. I have always admired your ability to compartmentalize and then juggle everything going on in your life. I have never been able to force my brain to move away from whatever path it felt like taking. Fortunately, it usually went somewhere useful, but not always and I just don’t have a mechanism for putting certain thoughts aside and shifting focus. This may take a lot of boxes.
Since I don’t know what has caused the wonderful changes in our relationship, I am afraid of what will happen if I shift my focus away from that. It fees so fragile and tenuous and new – and I really do not want to lose it. Since I don’t know why it started in the first place, I don’t know what it would take to kill it.
You are absolutely right about my dissertation – 2 months is not long at all and I have so much yet to do. I remember being quite focused before my proposal and prelims – but I’m not this time, and I absolutely need to make that everything between now and then. I am glad for your help – you’ve been so patient and encouraging through this process – it is time to be done.
I mentioned to someone a few days ago that I was very happy and excited and instead of taking baby steps, I wanted to run. I think I knew at the time that I was in the flats and that there were hills looming. And now I’m at the bottom of a huge one, with a headwind. Quite frankly – I’m scared. I know that if the hill is big enough – I need to walk. But I am very subdued and anxious about making any progress, or just turning around and quitting.
The biggest things I’m struggling to come to terms with:
Is this thing even real? Neither of us can even bring ourselves to say the words dominant or submissive. I remember when I got my first job and lived on my own – for sometime it didn’t seem real, like I was playacting. When we first got married, it took some time till I didn’t feel like we were just playing house. And growing up, working, getting married – those are expected activities with lots of examples around of other people doing them. There isn’t a single real world example of this for us to see, only virtual, online, or in books. So much of it really, really resonates with me. The few things we have done have seemed to fit us each awfully well. But I, at least, tend to lose myself in fiction, what if this is just an extended case of the same thing?
I’m still trying hard to accept that you are not just faking it or doing it for me to humor me. I know you’ll get tired of doing it, but re-assuring me helps. This is one of those things where I can’t make my brain do what I want it to.
I am really, really struggling with is it ok for me to let you be in any way responsible for or even involved at all in my actions or lack of. It feels very lazy, childish, like I can’t manage my own self - but on the other hand – it feels good. I have never doubted that you care for me – but this is a deeper feeling. But is it right? Isn’t it just irresponsible?
I’ve never really let you into my head – and vice versa I think – our hearts absolutely – but not our heads. This terrifies me. This also feels lazy, incompetent – to have someone else need to go so far as to help guide my mental processes. You are right about the issues of my family and school – I do shut you out and you should insist that I talk to you about those things. It’s not fair to you for me to be upset and not let you know what’s going on.
This is a lot of work for you. For both of us, yes. But it seems like a lot for you.