Thursday, September 3, 2009

I have a million thoughts in my head right now.

You asked me to write about what i want and what i want to try and what I want you to read, etc....

I will add a list of things I would like to try, at least I think I do - hard to know what I will really like. I have put a list of the blogs that are (to me) worth looking at - some for thinking about this kind of dynamic some are just plain good erotic reading.

What I really want though - is to know what you want.

This whole thing - looking from the outside - is terribly weird looking: it looks either like gaming/Dungeons and Dragons or something like that - or like ultra right wing "because the bible says so." I don't have much stomach for either - although I realize I have more ability to work around the gaming/fantasy thing than you do.

But I see this as a way we can modify the dynamic of our relationship (too new age?? too psycho babble??) For me it boils down to - in our sex life - I was in charge simply because i said no all the time and you respected that, and that was wrong and I knew it but had no idea what to do about it. Giving you that decision making power was indeed the cure.

There are a lot of other small areas where i feel like you have acquiesced over the years simply to avoid conflict. Not big issues, but a lot of small things. At this point - I really just want to know what you want - what your preference is. I'm sure that there are things for which you truly have no preference, or not enough to bother thinking about it. Sometimes i think you do - it would probably be easier for me to believe you when you say you truly don't care if in some areas you did. And - believe it or not - and all evidence to the contrary - I like (occsionally) being able to make you happy - which is easier to accomplish if you actually care about something one way or the other in the first place. Or even just for you to say - I think i might like this -so could we/you try it and I'll see.

This all applies to sex - but outside of that too. I am certainly not looking to abdicate responsibility - or shift more burden to you. I am not going to turn into a blonde bimbo unable to make a decision or function on my own and I don't think you are ultimately responsible for my successes or failures - any more than I am for yours. So - no - I'm not exactly sure what I do mean for it to be - maybe it really should stay only in the bedroom (or basement/3rd floor) but maybe there are other areas where you would like/would find it easier/would maybe even enjoy having me go along with your decisions or sugesstions.

So i get the impression that you would really rather not discuss any of this any further - that you would be happy to just go with how things are going. The problem is that I'm not - I think I have gone as far as i really can or want to with reading and researching for now and I would like to start doing something. So even if it is nothing more than us talking about it - even if just for you to say that it's ridiculous, no way, too much work, too silly, we're too busy, whatever. But I do think that if it is just left hanging - I will be resentful, and that will undermine any of the goodness that has happened.

I guess ultimately iwhat i really want right now is to know if YOU want to explore this all in any depth, or if you would just as soon not really but you will because I seem to want to, or you feel like you would really rather not at all.


  1. Best wishes on your journey. It is an evolution. An opening of self and thoughts and emotions. But if you are brave and try, I believe you will find a newer, better, more satisfactory place for you and your spouse.

  2. CD - thank you, it has been very good for our relationship so far. I'm sure there will be the difficulties, but the direction seems to be good for us.