Today was not the best day. The doubts about what we are doing and self-doubt drowned out any reasonable and rational thoughts. We haven't been able to really talk in a while; we've been travelling, hosting, dealing with family crises, and holidaying. We talked enough today for me to be a little calmer, but I still have an awful lot of conflicted feelings and unresolved questions. I have tried to narrow it down to a coherent theme, mostly because this would make it easier to discuss when we are finally able. I really can't though; I just have too much swirling around. I am hoping that at least listing some of the thoughts will help me sort them out, and maybe help us sort them out. So this is my stream of consciousness, some addressed to my husband, some laments about myself:
I feel like I am more isolated and disconnected right now than before we started any of this. So much so that I am thinking we should chuck it all and go back to the way things were before.
I have more need to communicate with you than I ever have before. We used to operate with a lot more autonomy, a lot less connectedness. When it's good, this is very good; when it's bad, it's really much worse. I also really dislike being needy in any respect, this included. I feel like an incompetent child getting so off balance, particularly since I can't restore my own balance, I require input and interaction with you.
I do believe that you are comfortable and enjoying our new roles in the bedroom. I no longer think you're just doing it for me, especially given the smirk you get on your face these days. But I don't know what to think about outside of that. I really don't know if you are going along with me, humoring me, just waiting it out till it goes away on its own, or if you feel like things are moving in the right direction.
I really don't want me or our relationship to be an added burden, something more to worry about or to spend mental energy and time on. This makes me extremely reluctant to say anything if I'm not feeling right about things. That used to work out ok - life would just move on. Now it leaves me unsettled and frustrated, and even more so because the more upset I get, the less I want to bring it up.
Not knowing what you're thinking, where you want things to go or how you want them to be is unsettling, to say the least. I did agree that you would lead on this, and that I would keep my questions and opinions quiet. I have never been a control freak, but I will admit that I have to work hard to have faith in you and follow on this one. A lot of the doubts that overwhelm me at times like this are that you have just let it go by the way side because its just too much trouble.
Part of what a lot of other people talk about as a benefit of this new dynamic is a deeper knowing and understanding of each other. I am afraid that you know me well enough to know that you don't really want to know me any better.
This part may belong in a whole different post, or maybe I shouldn't be saying it at all, I'm not sure. I agree that our lives would never work if you tried to assume decision making control of very many aspects of my day to day life: what I wear, where I go, logistics, especially when you're out of town. And I really don't want to add things to make more work for you. But, if we are going to move forward with this thing, I think maybe times like his past week would be smoother with some sort of structure or concrete reminders in place.