Today was not the best day. The doubts about what we are doing and self-doubt drowned out any reasonable and rational thoughts. We haven't been able to really talk in a while; we've been travelling, hosting, dealing with family crises, and holidaying. We talked enough today for me to be a little calmer, but I still have an awful lot of conflicted feelings and unresolved questions. I have tried to narrow it down to a coherent theme, mostly because this would make it easier to discuss when we are finally able. I really can't though; I just have too much swirling around. I am hoping that at least listing some of the thoughts will help me sort them out, and maybe help us sort them out. So this is my stream of consciousness, some addressed to my husband, some laments about myself:
I feel like I am more isolated and disconnected right now than before we started any of this. So much so that I am thinking we should chuck it all and go back to the way things were before.
I have more need to communicate with you than I ever have before. We used to operate with a lot more autonomy, a lot less connectedness. When it's good, this is very good; when it's bad, it's really much worse. I also really dislike being needy in any respect, this included. I feel like an incompetent child getting so off balance, particularly since I can't restore my own balance, I require input and interaction with you.
I do believe that you are comfortable and enjoying our new roles in the bedroom. I no longer think you're just doing it for me, especially given the smirk you get on your face these days. But I don't know what to think about outside of that. I really don't know if you are going along with me, humoring me, just waiting it out till it goes away on its own, or if you feel like things are moving in the right direction.
I really don't want me or our relationship to be an added burden, something more to worry about or to spend mental energy and time on. This makes me extremely reluctant to say anything if I'm not feeling right about things. That used to work out ok - life would just move on. Now it leaves me unsettled and frustrated, and even more so because the more upset I get, the less I want to bring it up.
Not knowing what you're thinking, where you want things to go or how you want them to be is unsettling, to say the least. I did agree that you would lead on this, and that I would keep my questions and opinions quiet. I have never been a control freak, but I will admit that I have to work hard to have faith in you and follow on this one. A lot of the doubts that overwhelm me at times like this are that you have just let it go by the way side because its just too much trouble.
Part of what a lot of other people talk about as a benefit of this new dynamic is a deeper knowing and understanding of each other. I am afraid that you know me well enough to know that you don't really want to know me any better.
This part may belong in a whole different post, or maybe I shouldn't be saying it at all, I'm not sure. I agree that our lives would never work if you tried to assume decision making control of very many aspects of my day to day life: what I wear, where I go, logistics, especially when you're out of town. And I really don't want to add things to make more work for you. But, if we are going to move forward with this thing, I think maybe times like his past week would be smoother with some sort of structure or concrete reminders in place.
Firstly, can I just say that feeling like a burden is a natural thing for a submissive to feel? Hell, I feel like this on a regular basis and it usually gets me into trouble. The thing is... in the end it always seems to be an unfounded worry.
ReplyDeleteIt's definitely something you both need to talk about and sort out, but keep in mind that you only have to give him as much control as you feel comfortable giving. It could be as simple as saying he's the boss of the house and calls the shots (with your input, of course)... with a bit of fun in the bedroom in the mix. He doesn't have to have control of every aspect of your life.
If that's what you want, that's one thing and you'll both need to talk that out. If it's not what you want, though, it's not necessary in your relationship.
What you definitely need though is to sit down with each other and write out some rules or guidelines (for both of you). You need to define the dynamic within your relationship so that you're both clear on where you stand with each other. Sometimes just going with the flow can land you in a place you don't want to be... that's when it's time to get out the map and figure out where you need to go next.
I hope you both get things figured out soon.
*hugs*
spirited
ugh. Big ol' growing pain here.
ReplyDeleteThis is so clearly directed at him that I'd feel like a total buttinski if I offered anything approximating advice.
But I will commiserate with you about hating to feel needy. Me, too. I don't want to be needy, I don't want to feel clingy. Despite disliking it, however, I've actually been rethinking my approach.
I've had more than one beau complain that I never seem to need them, that I'm too self-contained. I have been accused of not letting them in.
I'm starting to think that letting someone in means letting him see when I need him, rather than keeping quiet because I think it makes me weak or look like a nag. I also wonder if keeping him at arm's length is the coward's way of trying not to get hurt. Sort of, "I'll give you as much of me as anyone's going to get but still, I'm going to hold back this big ol' chunk here, just in case..." (That's just me, btw. I'm not suggesting that of you.)
Oh, well. Rambling. And there's no answer to anything in that. Just more wondering from this side of the blog.
Chin up, chica. You two are a team. Things will straighten out somehow.
It's all been said by two smart ladies. I got nothing to add except to say I know exactly how you feel..
ReplyDeleteBig ol' hug to you...
mouse
Spirited, Jz, and Mouse,
ReplyDeleteThank you to all of you. We've had a chance to talk a little more. I guess the moral of the story is that I should just talk to him about it when I feel this way. I really had it all wrong.
Glad you guys had a chance to talk. And don't feel bad... I think keeping things like that to ourselves... and coming to wrong conclusions is what we subs do best.
ReplyDelete*hugs*
spirited
Wow.. We are the same person LOL. You voiced this much better than I have been able to thus far. Reading this at this time,in 2012, when you are so far beyond it.. Is awesome.
ReplyDeleteHis lil angel - welcome - it has been an interesting trip for me. And it is good for me to be reminded to look back and see where i've come like this - so thank you. I do believe that these kinds of doubts are fairly common, just slightly different twists for each person. i suppose it's like every other living thing - if it stops growing, it dies - same with our relationship. Best of luck with your adventure.
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