Wednesday, December 30, 2009

What He Said

We've had a chance to talk a bit and it turns out I was pretty far off base. He made it very clear that he does not want to move backwards or to undo what has been done. The jist of it is that we will continue to require more of each other and of ourselves when it comes to communication - exactly what I screwed up in this case. Also, that he doesn't feel a strong need to feel like I am dependent on him, that he fell in love with me and married me in the first place because of my independence, strength, and sense of purpose. That he sees the goal of all of this to be elevating each of us, but moreso, to make us, the whole, more than we are as individuals.

Maybe this leaves us somewhere other than D/s or ttwd or anything like it, I really have no idea.


  1. Your situation sounds alarmingly similar to what I am going through right now. I don't know if we will follow dd anymore, or if we will come back to it eventually, or if we'll even be together in the future.

    I'm happy that you talked it out. that always helps.

  2. I think there is a big difference between depending on someone and being dependent on them, hopefully through this new closeness, and improved communications you will be even stronger, and his support and guidance will increase your sense of purpose through increased focus.

    I for one would never choose a submissive not independent, strong and purposeful. The union is to actualize the notion of the whole being greater than the sum of its parts.

    It may be called D/s, or ttwd, or HOH, or DD, or none of those things, but if it works for you, there you are. I think you have two things going on, the strengthening of the relationship through improved communications; and the things you do with and to each other, no matter where you go, there you are.

  3. It's what you make it, screw the terminology.

    (If I liked Robert Frost, I'd toss him in here...)

    Just keep talking.

  4. Being in a power-exchange relationship, whatever term you use to define it, does not require your to check your intelligence and independence at the door. Quite the contrary, there is a peculiar strength unique to women who choose to enhance their relationships in this way. You are not an automaton you are an amazing-maton and clearly your husband recognizes this truth.

    Keep talking, together you will discover the best way for you to live together.

  5. Seriously, don't get all hung up on words or what someone else does or how they define their dynamic. You just do what works for the two of you and forget the rest.

    That's something I need to remember.


  6. I haven't given up an ounce of my independence. I depend on Asha for some things, but I don't consider myself to be dependent on him. I think it goes both ways too... we both depend on each other in many ways.

    I don't think D/s is about giving up your independence... it's all about giving someone authority in certain areas of your life that you both agree to. It's up to you two, though, to decide what those areas will be within your relationship.

    Happy New Year!



  7. samrt man your husband.

  8. Elle,
    Talking has certainly helped. I really hope you are able to find a way that is good for you.

    I should have been able to see this part; not sure why I got so turned around. You sum it up and lay it all out so nicely; thank you.

    Just need to force myself talk about the right stuff. Thanks.

    I like your imagery. He has a knack of recognizing things even when I get lost in the stupid stuff.

    I think I have trouble trusting myself to recognize the way that we should go - of course, I should probably start by trusting him.

    I think we need to hash out more of the structure or details, like you said.

    Sir J,
    And I am always the last to know - wouldn't it be so much easier for me to know this - really know and trust it?

  9. Good luck on getting on the same page and finding out what is right for both of you. Remember, no relationship is the same. You need to do what is best for yours. And starting with trust is always a good idea.

    And Happy New Year.


  10. FD,
    We seem to be moving that direction. I just got off track for awhile. Thank you.