Monday, January 25, 2010

Silly Fish Thoughts



I was talking with a friend recently about some different things I had been thinking. He told me I need a fish tank - whether he meant that I need one to distract me so I stop thinking so many silly things, or to focus my mind to (hopefully) improve the quality of my thinking, I'm not really sure. We do have a small tank with two goldfish. I've found that they don't really either distract me or improve my mental processes, but maybe that's my fault and not the fishes'. This past weekend was a busy one and not filled with deep thinking at all, but I did wonder two random things.

[I'm still working on a name for my husband -he's being no help with that. In fact, he told me that if he liked what I end up choosing, he will reward me, and if he doesn't like it, well... I guess he'll reward himself. But this isn't one of the random things. ]

Anyhow - he who is yet to be named was teasing me about something and I told him he couldn't do "that." He informed me that he could in fact do whatever he pleased. I replied that this was true, but only until I rescind my consent. He proceeded to tell me that I can't rescind anything unless he tells me I can. Now, this was all joking, and laughing, and having fun - we tend to do that a lot, it's sort of our style. But so far I really like all the things he does to me, and I like the changes in our relationship. Even the tougher expectations are things I know in my heart are the better way.

But it did make me think about the whole paradox: I give consent for him to do whatever, whenever, however - or something like that. But I can in fact take back that consent. So, the cold hard reality is that I am ultimately in charge by virtue of veto power; if nothing else, I can veto with my feet. But I don't actually feel that at all. It's like marriage I suppose. Many people take the wedding vow as binding only up to a point, that point being the one at which they no longer care to remain married. I very much believe that taking the forever part seriously is what often keeps people from giving up. Of course, there are instances in which staying with someone is the wrong decision, in any sort of relationship, with any sort of arrangement. Period. But for the rest, having the commitment to fall back on when there is nothing else to fall back on, is indeed something. I have to believe that the same principle applies with this thing we are doing (whatever you want to call it because I have no idea.) I have committed to what we are doing and, joking aside, I feel very deeply that backing out of my end of the deal is NOT an option, despite the quite obvious fact that the option to walk away is absolutely a reality. Further, the premise that I am not the one making the decisions anyhow is sort of the lynchpin of the whole thing. I'm not sure how my brain manages the gymnastics to reconcile this; although, I am the first to admit that times haven't gotten tough so it remains an untested commitment at this point.

[That went deeper than just random fish thinking I guess. I wonder if the fish are helping or making things worse?]


Oops -
Last night before we fell asleep we were talking in bed about silly stuff. We were both naked and quite intertwined. His hands were roaming, as they usually do. Except this time I was focused enough on what he was saying that I didn't notice the direction of the roaming. Apparently I missed something. After a few minutes he rolled over and said good night. I was so confused. He told me that I had not responded to him, I had ignored him, and that was that. I'm not proud: I apologized, explained that I just didn't notice, I hadn't refused - not at all; I even pleaded, I won't say I begged - but I certainly pleaded. But no go. It occurred to me that this was the first time in a very long time that I had (albeit unintentionally) turned him down. This left me with some unpleasant feelings and memories of feelings. This I'm not going to spend any further time thinking about though, I will just make sure to pay attention from now on.

13 comments:

  1. First about the paradox, and ya that's what it is. Yes, we give them the power to use it over us, but we also have to trust that they'll use it for good and not bad purposes. But don't think for a moment that it's easy to rescind the offer once it's given.

    It's been argued up and down that subs and slaves are the ones with the real power and control but I disagree.
    We intentionally give it up.

    As for the rejection that wasn't...it happens to all of us from time to time. If you had gotten all snuggly with him he might have said you weren't listening. LOL.

    hugs,
    mouse

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  2. Well, fish DO swim in circles...

    I agree with mouse's point. I think it's the fact that you have that trust that makes the whole thing work. I know that sounds simplistic but it is the lynchpin. When you keep faith with each other, you know anything can be worked out, so there will be no running. If trust is violated, then there may be some rethinking.

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  3. Mouse,
    We were joking at the time, but what made me stop and think about it was that i recognized the fact of it - but didn't feel it at all. I don't feel it and I'm sure you're right - that it's because of the trust.

    Jz,
    Absolutely. And I wonder, if the trust is violated, if the committment is enough to get beyond it. Although, this I would be happy not to test.

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  4. I'm wondering if he who is yet to be named was actually joking or testing the waters to see how you'd react... hmmmm... lol

    Beyond that... I agree with mouse and Jz.

    spirited

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  5. Spirited,
    You mean testing the waters with the name comment or with the you cant rescind comment? I hadn't tought about that really.

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  6. With the rescind comment. I dunno... when we had that convo the other day it struck me that maybe he does want more "control" in the relationship, but he worries that you'll lose your independence and he doesn't want that... but one really has nothing to do with the other although it may seem contradictory.

    Not sure if I'm making sense, but I think the need to be in control is there for him and maybe he's testing the waters for both your reaction and for himself.

    I could be totally wrong... just offering another viewpoint.

    spirited

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  7. Spirited,You've given me a lot to think about - I hope the fish can help.

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  8. Hello - I've decided to stop lurking --

    as for the unitentional snub -- you just need to pounce on him unexpectedly and it'll make it up to him - Men forget that if we're distracted it's hard to get us focused on sexual things

    oh -- skip the fish (IMHO) -- they're just furniture that you have to feed and clean

    Get a video of fish if you have to

    sfp

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  9. SFP,
    Welcome - and btw, i love your name. I don't know if I will be able to surprise him, but i will certainly aim to make it up to him. That was the weird part - i haven't been hard to focus in that direction since we started all this, kind of the opposite in fact.

    And i would be so glad to give up the fish - my son won them 5 years ago - I had no idea goldfish even live that long.

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  10. GG,

    We have a golfdfish our kid won 9 years ago as a little carnival prize fish. Mom figured the fish would live maybe two weeks. He's literally about a foot long and is in a 25 gallon tank. We've tried putting other fish in with him and he eats them. lol

    About the unintentional snub, I have a suggestion. I've been told in the past that in a similar situation I should simply "Take" her. Apparently even if she's not paying close attention while my hands roam she becomes completely and immediately focused when I roll her on her back and put her ankles on my shoulders. LOL.

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  11. MC, that's exactly how we got ours. That's a bit dishearening to thnk they may live that much longer - not that i want creatures to die - but still!

    And yes - finding myself suddenly in that position would certainly make things unambiguous. I actually told my husband just that, he should have just taken what he wanted- somehow he had in mind that i should have been paying attention to him. go figure.

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