Monday, January 25, 2010
Silly Fish Thoughts
I was talking with a friend recently about some different things I had been thinking. He told me I need a fish tank - whether he meant that I need one to distract me so I stop thinking so many silly things, or to focus my mind to (hopefully) improve the quality of my thinking, I'm not really sure. We do have a small tank with two goldfish. I've found that they don't really either distract me or improve my mental processes, but maybe that's my fault and not the fishes'. This past weekend was a busy one and not filled with deep thinking at all, but I did wonder two random things.
[I'm still working on a name for my husband -he's being no help with that. In fact, he told me that if he liked what I end up choosing, he will reward me, and if he doesn't like it, well... I guess he'll reward himself. But this isn't one of the random things. ]
Anyhow - he who is yet to be named was teasing me about something and I told him he couldn't do "that." He informed me that he could in fact do whatever he pleased. I replied that this was true, but only until I rescind my consent. He proceeded to tell me that I can't rescind anything unless he tells me I can. Now, this was all joking, and laughing, and having fun - we tend to do that a lot, it's sort of our style. But so far I really like all the things he does to me, and I like the changes in our relationship. Even the tougher expectations are things I know in my heart are the better way.
But it did make me think about the whole paradox: I give consent for him to do whatever, whenever, however - or something like that. But I can in fact take back that consent. So, the cold hard reality is that I am ultimately in charge by virtue of veto power; if nothing else, I can veto with my feet. But I don't actually feel that at all. It's like marriage I suppose. Many people take the wedding vow as binding only up to a point, that point being the one at which they no longer care to remain married. I very much believe that taking the forever part seriously is what often keeps people from giving up. Of course, there are instances in which staying with someone is the wrong decision, in any sort of relationship, with any sort of arrangement. Period. But for the rest, having the commitment to fall back on when there is nothing else to fall back on, is indeed something. I have to believe that the same principle applies with this thing we are doing (whatever you want to call it because I have no idea.) I have committed to what we are doing and, joking aside, I feel very deeply that backing out of my end of the deal is NOT an option, despite the quite obvious fact that the option to walk away is absolutely a reality. Further, the premise that I am not the one making the decisions anyhow is sort of the lynchpin of the whole thing. I'm not sure how my brain manages the gymnastics to reconcile this; although, I am the first to admit that times haven't gotten tough so it remains an untested commitment at this point.
[That went deeper than just random fish thinking I guess. I wonder if the fish are helping or making things worse?]
Last night before we fell asleep we were talking in bed about silly stuff. We were both naked and quite intertwined. His hands were roaming, as they usually do. Except this time I was focused enough on what he was saying that I didn't notice the direction of the roaming. Apparently I missed something. After a few minutes he rolled over and said good night. I was so confused. He told me that I had not responded to him, I had ignored him, and that was that. I'm not proud: I apologized, explained that I just didn't notice, I hadn't refused - not at all; I even pleaded, I won't say I begged - but I certainly pleaded. But no go. It occurred to me that this was the first time in a very long time that I had (albeit unintentionally) turned him down. This left me with some unpleasant feelings and memories of feelings. This I'm not going to spend any further time thinking about though, I will just make sure to pay attention from now on.