What BDSM does for me_DS

I started to name this "What BDSM is to me" but decided that I am much more prepared to articluate what effect various things have on me than I am to try to define them, even in my own narrow interpretation and limited understanding. I also thought I would have one fairly simple post, but soon realized that I am starting to have definite feelings about a few things, which may take a bit longer. I am sure this will evolve; rather, I optimistically assume it will evolve and expand. So, by the letters, but broken into a few separate posts....

D\s - Dominance\submission

There are different connotations of the initials as I understand it. As a D/s dynamic/lifestyle or whatever term you may want to use to include everyday life and relationship outside of the bedroom, this is one of many areas I can't define or try to compare to others. It certainly impacts and pervades all of our life, but probably wouldn't be considered to fit neatly into any of the categories I run across. It's a definite but subtle shift in how we relate. One aspecct of it is simply a positive feedback loop that could (should) probably exist in any context: if I do something he likes - he tells me so - it turns out that I really like doing things he likes, I like to hear or be shown that he likes them - so I do them more - he likes them more and is maybe willing to ask for or expect nice things, etc.... I'm really not sure why I never understood this before. Shouldn't this be how any good, loving relationship is? I think there must have been some element of wanting fairness and equalness of effort or something like that.

We've been pretty functionally, even happily married a long time. Lots of things are already worked out. Of course I do sometimes disagree with him, and the more strongly I feel about something, the more I have to bite my tongue, hold my temper, and work to be respectful. But this is another positive feedback loop: when I am better able to do this, he is better able to listen vs. being defensive. If I do blow up (yup - still happens), I am much quicker to clear my head, and sincerely apologize - and lo and behold - he's quicker to respond in kind - and things get resolved. Perhaps contrary to the explicit or implicit meanings of the words dominant and submissive, these patterns work both ways. He does nice things for me, and is more thoughtful about disagreements.

So that part is pretty easy, even rewarding. There must be something more to all this that must not be so simple. There are a few things that have changed that are harder for me. Being pushed to talk about things I would rather not and having him question me about things I previously handled entirely myself make me very defensive still. I really have to bite my tongue and work to manage my reaction and mood - not so much of a strength of mine. I'm sure it's good for us but the feel good part isn't so immediate or apparent.

Submission - more specifically

For some long time, when it came to our sex life, I was de facto in charge simply by saying no, and because he respected that. Plain and simple, that killed my interest; of course, I had no idea that was the issue. Quite bluntly, submitting ignites my desire. Overt manifestations of his dominance or control cause all those wonderful feelings of desire and all the incredible physical sensations of want and readiness and craving. No doubt all these good feelings spill over into the more mundane aspects of life, but for purely hedonistic reasons, I really, really like this part.

There is a feeling "submissive" that is talked about in a lot of blogs, and in other writings. I've never tried to describe certain feelings I have that are not exactly sexual, bit not exactly not. Maybe this is what people mean by feeling "submissive." It's certainly a very distinct feeling that was overwhelming in the beginning, but is more leveled off now. Again - to be quite blunt - in the beginning I was insanely horny, always aroused. I thought there was something wrong medically. But beyond that there was, and often still is, another feeling I get around him. It's strongest when I just stand facing him and lean into his body and he puts his arms around me, such a simple, common gesture. I feel a bit nervous, but a quiet nervousness, not an idgity nervous energy. It's a bit like a first date or first kiss feeling, except this is my husband, from 15 plus years. We've seen and awful lot of each other; he watched me give birth twice, it's hard to be more familiar than that. It's a feeling that makes me imagine myself small, it makes me feel drawn into myself, and it makes me still and quiet to my core. And anything that can still me and quiet my internal voice(s) is pretty strong indeed.