Wednesday, February 24, 2010

....and which is illusion?

You know that "He loves me...He love me not" game people do with a daisy? I always assumed the question was being asked to the fates at large - does he love me? Will it all work out? Or is it doomed? Will we not have happily ever after? Where you land on the last petal is the universe providing your truth. Now I think it could well be just the oppposing truths, both equally held, in one woman's mind. It does amaze me that I can, at different times, be utterly convinced of one thing, and at another fully believe the opposite. I know that moods, context, even physiology all affect how I perceive things, and our perceptions are really the only way for us to experience the world. But I would think there should be a mechanism in our minds that allows the perceptions to be studied, compared, filtered, and balanced out to arrive at a true picture of reality. It often just doesn't happen that way though.

Some days I am very self confident, purposeful, enthusiastic, I want to take on challenges and lead the charge. Others, I want to crawl into a hole and disappear, I can't do anything right, I feel like a fruad.

Some days, I know my friends value me, like me, care about me, and are honest with me. Others, I am equally convinced that everyone really just keeps me around because there is something in it for them, that they mock me behind my back, that I am a joke they all share.

Some days I float along feeling that our relationship is going blissfully well, that all the changes are good and positive, that this thing is very real, foundational to our lives, and that he is much happier in his new role. Other times I can't get past the fear that he's just humoring me, waiting for me to quit playing this silly game, that we aren't really doing anything, that I am a phoney.

Most days are spent somewhere in between, neither pollyanna nor morose. But how do we decide which is right, and which is an illusion?

Cold hearted orb that rules the night,
Removes the colours from our sight,
Red is gray and yellow white,
But we decide which is right.
And which is an illusion.

The Moody Blues


  1. The answer, of course, is that it is all an illusion, produced by the mind. Our human equipment is constructed to filter out most of "reality" and leave us working with the narrowest of bandwidths. That's why I think our first mistake is confusing what we perceive with 'reality" and acting as if it is something solid and dependable.

  2. See, i disagree with doll, but that's not so unusual...i have my own unique ideas, which are sometimes quite...unique - lol.

    i think what everyone's relationship is, is a mix of both ends of the spectrum you described, and a lot of balanced emotions in between. What i mean is that neither you nor your husband would define your relationship in the same way, and an interpretation you may place on something is something totally different than what he may think about it. So what YOU see as him simply waiting for you to get over this "phase" or whatever, he may define as being distracted by work or other things, and not being as focused on his "role" in your relationship as he usually is.

    The pendulum swings, one extreme to the other, but spends most of its time between swings, in the middle of the arc. The fact that y'all came into this redefinition of relationship after so many years of marriage defined in another way is almost a guarantee that there will be doubts and questions about what you are doing, the level of commitment by each other, and where it is heading.

    i really do admire what y'all are doing, and the commitment to each other that seems evident is the biggest reason it is possible.

    You'll figure it out, to your own satisfaction, eventually. Or you'll decide that it doesn't really matter and that all that matters is making each other happy in the unique way you do!


  3. I think we all feel this way at times during our lives. I think as you move on in your DD relationship and your HOH begins to really step up into his new role you will become much more confident.

    I use to question if Wil was doing this for me only but as time went on and I saw the changes in him as well I realized that he is doing it for him now as well as us.

    Just keep a positive attitude and communicate. Good luck!!!

  4. I totally understand the frustration surrounding the swings in perception.
    But I'm afraid that I question your question.

    So, because I know that when you say "should be a mechanism" you didn't mean just "an easy way," (;-p) here we go...

    The brain does provide you the mechanisms to study, compare and filter your perceptions. Your very thought processes are those mechanisms are at work. But you left out one very important process- compile.

    Q-Which perception is real?
    A- All of the above.

    They're all true. But none are complete.
    The error lies in positing that totality is contained within one perception only.

    A flower is sometimes colorful and sometimes monochromatic. Does that mean we question the existence of the flower? Do we ascribe several realities to a single flower, depending on circumstances? Dare we even accept that the reality of the flower is greater than the sum of our perceptions?

    Extrapolate at will...

  5. Doll,
    Agreed. I do wish though that when things swing to far in either direction - I had a better mechanism to step back and view things more objectively and be able to believe that the extremes are not the truth.

    The doubts are less - and frankly I have periods of doubt about most aspects of my life at times - just as I have periods of unrealistic confidence - I have to believe that most people are like this to some degree or another. Like you say - a pendulum. The doubts in this area though may undermine the whole thing - so i am working on that. Thanks you.

    It's funny - that's what my husband says too - I just need to remember that all the time.

    I am chagrined to admit that I was yearning for an easy way at that particular moment. But, no slack cut eh?