You know that "He loves me...He love me not" game people do with a daisy? I always assumed the question was being asked to the fates at large - does he love me? Will it all work out? Or is it doomed? Will we not have happily ever after? Where you land on the last petal is the universe providing your truth. Now I think it could well be just the oppposing truths, both equally held, in one woman's mind. It does amaze me that I can, at different times, be utterly convinced of one thing, and at another fully believe the opposite. I know that moods, context, even physiology all affect how I perceive things, and our perceptions are really the only way for us to experience the world. But I would think there should be a mechanism in our minds that allows the perceptions to be studied, compared, filtered, and balanced out to arrive at a true picture of reality. It often just doesn't happen that way though.
Some days I am very self confident, purposeful, enthusiastic, I want to take on challenges and lead the charge. Others, I want to crawl into a hole and disappear, I can't do anything right, I feel like a fruad.
Some days, I know my friends value me, like me, care about me, and are honest with me. Others, I am equally convinced that everyone really just keeps me around because there is something in it for them, that they mock me behind my back, that I am a joke they all share.
Some days I float along feeling that our relationship is going blissfully well, that all the changes are good and positive, that this thing is very real, foundational to our lives, and that he is much happier in his new role. Other times I can't get past the fear that he's just humoring me, waiting for me to quit playing this silly game, that we aren't really doing anything, that I am a phoney.
Most days are spent somewhere in between, neither pollyanna nor morose. But how do we decide which is right, and which is an illusion?
Cold hearted orb that rules the night,
Removes the colours from our sight,
Red is gray and yellow white,
But we decide which is right.
And which is an illusion.
The Moody Blues