Wednesday, February 10, 2010

The "S" word again.

For some reason, in my mind the relationship sorts of aspects of ttwd or D/s or what have you are very separate from the sexual aspects. For us this started with sex, it started with me submitting that aspect of myself to him. As we started learning about it all, I guess we saw some potential for the same ideas in our relationship as well. The changes in the dynamic of our marriage have not been as extreme, but I think that part is evolving more, and more quickly. The improvments in our relationship have been no less wonderful than those in our sex life. I have no doubt in my mind that those improvements are due to the focus on each individually; our relationship is stronger because we have paid attention to it, tweaked it, worked on it, and our sex life is better because of the pretty much wholesale change.

I also know, however, that these two are not really as mutually exclusive in reality as they are in my mind. My submitting to him in the actions of what we do in bed could only really go so far if I weren't also committed to truly being honest with him about my thoughts and feelings. Likewise, it would hit a ceiling if he didn't feel confident and right to ask, and to expect honest answers. It works the other way also, the closeness, the intimacy, the all around good feelings bleed over into the rest of our relationship and our lives as well.

I tend to write here mostly about our relationship; I think that this is where I have the most questions. Certainly this is where I have learned more about myself and about my husband, through the differences in how we relate to each other, and through the work it takes getting here. I imagine this is where we will both continue to grow, individually and together. But the sex is part of the journey as well - for us in any case. I have written before about my hesitancy to talk or write about sex in general. A lot of people do it very well, but among other things, I am afraid of sounding more juvenile or mechanical than being able to convey my real feelings about it. There have been some things though, about our sex life or about my thoughts and feelings, that I have started to want to write about, some rather silly and some I'm not really sure what to make of them. So I think there will occasionally be posts here that are a little bit of a departure for me, and pushing my comfort level as well.

For today, I will cop out just a little. This comes under the heading of "Duh!"

When we first started, I realized very quickly that I loved him being in control. His moving me, directing me, doing to me, was all sooooo much better than the other way. I had no desire to go back to 50/50, or me having veto power, or us sharing the decision making functions so to speak. In fact it distressed me a little to think about going back. I couldn't grasp how he could possibly be enjoying this arrangement, since, from my perspective, his role was no fun and would be a big turn-off for me.

I couldn't understand how he would want to always be the one doing the work, leading - what if he wanted to lie back and just relax, enjoy, not have to make plans, think about it, lead... ? I was very worried he would tire of carrying the load by himself and I really, really didn't want to go back. So I asked him - what if there is something you want me to do to you? "Well - then - I would just tell you to do it." -What if you don't want to have to think about it ? - what if you want to be surprised, just totally sit back and have me do the work? - "Then I would tell you to do that." ..............Oh?!?


  1. Don't be afraid to share you feelings. I think that is one of the benefits of blogging. This is a welcoming community and no one is going to think you are juvenile or mechanical or silly. It's often good to express your real feelings.

    Don't feel you have to censor yourself. To start with, you are a good writer and you do a good job of describing what you are feeling.

    Just write what you want to write. Don't worry about what anybody else thinks. It is your blog. Good luck.


  2. Well, you pushed your comfort level when you changed your dynamic and look how well that turned out!!

    I look forward to the occasional detours. :-)

    And, yeah. I think you can be pretty confident that he'll let you know if he wants to mix it up a little. As SP likes to inform me, repeatedly, men are simple creatures at heart. As long as it involves being nekkid, they're good.

  3. FD, Thank you, that is kind of you to say. I am getting there.

    Jz, Yes - as my husband points out, "You mean I get to have more sex, any way I want, whenever I want, what's the issue?"

  4. I too have "issues" about writing about sex. Like you, I have some reservations about my capacity to write about it without mimicking some crass spank mag or worse yet, some purple prose about throbbing members and heaving bosums. I can tolerate being an uptight prude over being a cliche.

    That said, for me, it's complicated by the fact that it's a very private form of communication. This is where we renew our commitment to each other. There's a spiritual dimension to it that I can't seem to verbalize and certainly won't capture with 'throbbing members".

    At the same time, Michael would like me to become more comfortable about talking about sex and my desires. I don't have issues with complying with his desires. Telling him what I hunger for?? MMmmmmmm, not so easy for me.

    Writing the blog in general I think helps me get more comfortable with expressing personal things in a public forum, instead of hiding behind the impersonal,distanced, very technical types of writing I've done before.


  5. Doll,
    Sounds as if we are in the same sort of boat. In spite of the fact that this blog is public, I find it sometimes easier to write things here than to say them to him, or it starts conversations that end up being very good and useful. My bread and butter will certainly remain technical type writing. The process of thinking things through to put them here, if not eloquently, then hopefully coherently, does help untangle things a bit.

  6. I agree -- sometimes I'm shocked that what works for me (giving up control, being at his whim) is not only NOT a turn on for him -- but is something that he would HATE.

    We're lucky we found our Yin (or crap -- is it our Yang? -- I can never remember which is which)


  7. sfp,
    I can never keep them straight either. It's like a lot of things over the past year though - I see more differences between us than I used to. And that seems to be an important part of why it works.

  8. I really think it's great. Talking about sex is never easy, blogging about it is hard for me too. And ya, I wouldn't have it any other way either.


  9. Mouse,yea - it really does work this way - soooo much better. I'm sure I'll still think of stupid things to say though.