Friday, February 26, 2010

what's the difference?

The other night my husband grabbed one cheek of my ass and squeezed, hard. As he kept at that, his fingers explored in between, teasing just enough to hint at the completely unique, completely overwhelming sensation of anal play. He told me, a few times, that he really liked my ass. I finally asked him if this were something new. Hadn't he all along? (Yes - insecurity is often my default position in these kinds of things) He casually commented that I never would have let him do either of these things "before," that he hadn't had any opportunity to know. I protested of course and insisted that things (i.e., me and my responses) aren't really that different now. He told me to hush so he could carry on.

[Later] that got me thinking. I wondered if things are really so different now. I want to believe that our interactions, our underlying assumptions about our day to day being, and our physical relations are not so different now from then. I want to believe this because we had considered our marriage quite good, and because I don't like to face the obvious ways in which I had limited or stifled the good that we have discovered can be, in so many areas.

I write here about relationship a lot - and it is important, but thinking about how I hobbled him previously is kind of a bigger and more difficult pondering than I am up for today. But, obviously, he is right about what he said that night: as much as I want to believe that I was adventurous and giving and open in our sex life; it just ain't so. I would only let him touch me in some places, only for a little bit, only in certain ways, and only sometimes.... Many things were understood to be verboten.

And I can't imagine why or how I wanted it that way. I love all the ways he touches me, I even love the fact that he does, whether I think I want him to or not. I want to think that had he ever tried a little biting or pinching or restraining, that I would have discovered I really like it and we could have been on this road that much sooner. I know that instead I would have yelped, thrown a fit, and become even more closed off. And nevermind any of the toys, I would have laughed in his face. It turns out that some of them are so - effective. I am instantly aroused and transported when bound, just the sight of certain restraints alters me. And I downright crave the nipple clips. The "things used to hit with" produce their own special dread/excitement/arousal thing. I still feel awkward about some of the toys. We are new and experimenting and learning, but we are frankly having a ball at it.

The best part really is learning so much; not learning techniques, that just happens. But it is wonderful to discover things I never imagined about myself. The very best part though, is learning what he truly likes and wants and enjoys and craves, now that he has the freedom to find out himself.


  1. What I *love* is how you guys have been able to effect such a turn-around and find such joy in it. It's kind of like watching you re-discover the fun of childhood. ("Ooooo! A new toy!!")

    I hear what you say about being bothered by your previous behavior. The important part is that you made the change. I think it's just really cool that after all these years together, you've found new and exciting things to offer each other.

  2. This was really a good post with a lot of insight into the way your relationship used to be and the way that it is now.

    You're probably right that you would have been upset in the past if he did things that now turn you on. The wonderful thing is that you finally realized your true nature and want to submit to him because it fills a need for you.

    Good luck on your journey and I hope he gives you more anal play because I have a hunch that it will be a great experience for you.


  3. My thoughts are similar to Jz's.

    It seems to me that his inhibitions are being lifted by this change in your dynamic. As a result your inhibitions are also being lifted or at the very least challenged. It's a great thing to discover all these things together!


  4. Jz,
    Yea - he gets the "OOOOhhh a new toy" thing - I get some trepidation while i wait cuz I never know what it is until it's being used. Of course - that's good too in a twisted kind of way.

    That was in fact his response to this post - that there is no way I would have allowed any of the things I mention, no if's about it.

    Inhibitions lifting indeed - it takes me by surprise sometimes how he is different - what he does like to do.

  5. things have a way of revealing themselves when we are ready to see them. It does not mean the way we saw them before was wrong it just means you are growing. How fun is that???

  6. Sir J,
    So I would have to believe it, to see it? And it is lots of fun in fact.