I came home from work the other night wanting to crawl out of my skin. Life is crazy - for everyone, I know we don't have a corner on that market. I both got behind and got slammed at work which means that I had to rely on my husband to take care of kid things that I would have done. This had me edgy and sleep deprived. Add in an erratic boss and office politics and I was pretty pissy. I also hadn't managed to run or do much else physical, so my body was as wound up as my brain.
Come bedtime I started antagonizing my husband. He doesn't love (read: tolerate at all) the hyperkinetic, goofy, juvenile, incredibly annoying me I sometimes morph into when I feel this way. I pesterd, and goaded, and pushed his buttons on purpose. Yes - I was really wanting really rough play. I craved, in my mind and in my skin and flesh, for him to physically subdue me and to drive all the hyper out of me. I have always had occasional moods like this, now there is something that I know is a perfect answer for it. But it wasn't possible then, and I knew it wasn't, but was conveniently ignoring that fact. Oh, but it would have been so welcome.
He knew what I wanted too. His response, after ignoring me and then asking me to stop, was a threat to make me sleep elsewhere - not a threat to do any of the things we both knew I was craving anyhow. He did have me do something for him - that helped - it wasn't what I really wanted - but it was what he wanted - so it helped - there's a loop to get caught in.
I feel like I should be self disciplined, responsible for my own actions, accountable for what I do and say and how I act. I should be able to do what I need to do to try to keep myself on an even keel: not get behind so I don't stress as much, run or other exercise. And I should do what I need to not take out my mood on those around me. I certainly don't always succeed, in fact I am an open book and there is really never any doubt as to the kind of mood I'm in, but there is no excuse for me to take it out on my family.
Of course there is the issue of it not really being a punishment if it's what I'm craving anyhow. Let's assume we'll call a spade a spade and that there is "stuff" that I want and other things that are really not what I want. The other night, whether you call it a punishment or just good hard play, it would have set me to rights. I could easily come to rely on that. But should managing my moods be my husband's responsibility? He absolutely knows me and my moods well, knows how to respond, what he can do to help, and more importantly what I can and should do to take care of myself. So why would it be right for me to shirk that and put the onus on him to intervene and set me straight?
Or is this part of what one submits also? Is it a deeper level of submission that I'm not seeing or reaching to turn over this part of myself - to "let" him have some kind of control of and responsibility for my moods? Is this something I do as part of his taking care of me? The particular form that submission is taking for me is far different than I had imagined, so maybe there is a way that this somehow fits in.
I think I have an idea about what he believes. I feel pretty certain that he wants me to push myself and manage myself, to practice being my best self.
There's a lot here that I can't speak to so I'm not going to try. Maybe I shouldn't even tackle the two bits that struck me. But here goes, anyhow...!
ReplyDeleteI don't think what you did was anything more than asking for help. Granted, in an inappropriate way for the circumstances. But needing help on occasion doesn't mean we necessarily expect the other person to bail us out each and every time. There's always middle ground.
As to the pushing and managing and being your best- well... I'm not so sure he wants the superwoman you seem to think he does. I'm sure he appreciates that you want to be that for him but it's hard to take care of a superhero. They don't leave you much to do. :-)
This is just my opinion, which frankly is all I have to offer anyone, such as it is...
ReplyDeleteBut now and then we *all* feel overwhelmed by life, by circumstances, and part of what I, in particular, need in having a Dominant is that ability to rely on him when I have been pushed beyond my ability to cope with life in the way I know I should.
I haven't ever goaded him into "punishing" me, because for us, punishment is in no way rewarding for a behavior. But I have felt... repressed, i guess...from revealing a need. So we talked about it, and rather than "act out" when I need to release control (and responsibility), I simply let him know of my need.
Sometimes it isn't possible for a scene, or any other kind of physical thing, but the very stating of the need, and his understanding and support, and many times he does something to help....all of those things really *do* help. It's kind of nice, knowing that he is there to hold me up, and to be my strength, when life rears its ugly head.
For *me*, that knowledge gives me that safety net when I know I am way too stressed.
And another thing I have learned over the years is that, even if we don't think it is fair to ask or expect our Dominants to "handle" our moods or whatever, the reality is that they really do want to. The control and power they feel when you willingly submit to, and welcome (even if you don't show it immediately) their taking responsibility for your actions, if not for your mood, is something they love. See, it's yet another example of submission outside the sexual side, or so I have experienced.
I'll shut up now. I like what you bring up, you talk about things I have often wondered about myself! Thanks!
I agree with the ladies... you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. I used to be the same way, thinking that I always had to be in control of myself, but then I learned that it was just part of my "control issues". Sure you need to be accountable for your actions, but like Jz said... there's nothing wrong with asking for help when things become overwhelming.
ReplyDeleteI think next time you need that rough play, just come out and tell him it's what you need. It's a normal submissive trait to act out in order to get what we need... so what we really need to temper is that impulse to act out and learn to just talk about what's bothering us and ask for what we need.
I've learned with my experiences with Asha that he really appreciates when I can be open about my needs and what I'm feeling. It really takes the guesswork out for him. I can act out, but he may not know exactly what's wrong or what I need... he just knows something is bugging me or that I'm just being a brat (which generally gets me ignored too).
But when I talk to him, he knows exactly what's going on with me and what I need, which actually takes a lot of stress off of him.
spirited
I have same issues, adn question with My slave... It is very relevant to read you and the comments that have been made on your post. (excuse my english I an french)... Quite a paradox : Dominant are not telepath although they have to control the whole being of their slaves... It happens by the way slaves are communicating about their needs... But, it is, talking with experience, difficult to stay straight facing the slaves who push the buttons... In My case I tend to close Myself to her... A sort of punishment that let stay alone with her remorses and thinking... she writes in her journal, apologising and asking for punishement. It is My job to help her being right when she is exhausted by work (sometimes)... Sure... When I look in the mirror, I see W/we have improved this but I still know I have to feel her brat minded emotions before she explodes in anger (rarely but it still happens from far to far)... Reading you is useful. At that point I think and My slave also, that she has to tell Me i am exhausted please order Me to sit in the corner recitating My mantra instead of the cycle, anger, pushing buttons, remorse and punishement... We are able to face this ONLY because W/we are able to talk about it and because of O/our wilingness to live in peace each O/one at the place W/we feel O/ourselves... Hope it makes sense...
ReplyDeleteErosPower...
Jz,
ReplyDeleteThe superwoman thing is something I need to really consider. I don't feel like that's what I'm doing - but maybe. We work hard on the concept of personal responsibility with our kids - perhaps i'm too focused on that and am missing the balance.
Schiava,
Your opinion is based on your experience and a lot of thought - that makes it invaluable. What else is there in this whole thing really? We have learned over the years how to support each other when things are especially bad, or at least we've learned how to figure out how. And I am getting better at relying on him in those cases. It's the day to day ups and downs; i'm not sure i'm even at a point of being reluctant about the act of talking about my needs - I'm still not sure I really should. Long way to go i guess.
Spirited,
My first reaction is that i don't have any problem telling him what I want. Then i wondered why i was obnoxious about it instead of just telling him. Partly it was the mood i was in - an obnoxious mood, but partly i think i was wanting him to guess, I just didn't want to come out and say it.
ErosPower,
Ca va, je comprend. It really does all seem to be about communicating. I think for me though, I'm not so ready to believe this is his to deal with and not my responsibility. I suppose he and I will be talking about all this.
Yup, I do the same thing at times. I want him to just know what's wrong with me. Last time he did this he was like, "In other words you want me to be a mind reader" (along with that look that rips at my gut).
ReplyDeleteBut yeah... I know exactly how you feel. I think everyone does that at some point... especially when you don't want to talk about what's bothering you and just want to be cuddled.
I think it comes down to the whole thing where women for the most part don't need another woman to tell them when we need a cuddle. We just sort of sense it, so we give a hug. Men? Not so good at that, I think. They need it spelled out to them.
spirited
Dear greengirl,
ReplyDeletewe are human. we have "needs" and we have "wants".
In my case, i am not entitled to any "wants". The "wants" are in the hand of Master.
But... i have to let Him know of my "needs": some rest, some food, some drink, some affection.
"Wants" and "needs" are different for everyone.
So, no, there is nothing wrong with letting him know how you feel and thus giving him the oppurtunity to correct you.
And, yes, you are gradually moving into another level of submission. Eventually you will feel a sense of achievement and one day you will realize that you are not so bad at practicing a bit of self-mastery after all!
Cassie,
ReplyDeleteWelcome. It is very interesting for me to read about your life and how things work for you and how you feel abotu them. Inside my head - it is very hard for me to imagine having such self mastery - there is too much noise in there.
Dear greengirl,
ReplyDeleteyou should be able to "quieten" the noises in your head, one at a time, taking it easy.
Meditation, containment, a gradual "tightening" of rules (or maybe even a mentorship by s/b you trust) should help you on your way to a very fulfilling submission.
Give it some thought,
cassie
Greengirl, I just wanted to say that I enjoyed reading your post and the comments. I learned a lot here for myself.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing and good luck working it out.
Elysia
Cassie,
ReplyDeleteThank you. We are both so much beginners and we are each trying to learn our parts and figure it out. I'm sure we have a long way to go.
Elysia,
Thank you. I don't remember how - but I think I've found your blog. I like your writing as well.