We are here - in our new house. It is starting to be less and less like camping - finding the things we need from closets and dressers and cabinets instead of from boxes or suitcases; knowing where we are going vs. going exploring to find things; living here instead of interloping. We aren't there yet - but soon - hopefully.
The past two weeks have been about 3 months long, most of them spent with half the family in the new place and the other half in the old; some time together here, but overwhelmed by the work of getting settled; then he and I apart again next week. I commented to someone that we haven't had a very dynamic dynamic lately - just no time for anything not related to moving, or to helping angsty, moody teens adapt to moving. This person commented that maybe that's when the whole thing is it's most dynamic. Maybe - maybe keeping us sane and functioning fairly smoothly, adapting unconsciously and, by necessity, effortlessly to all the different situations. Maybe....
Part of me wants, really really wants, (needs??) to feel the flow between us. I don't know - maybe to be reassured it is there, to feel it as a touchstone in the chaos right now, to have someone controlling me as i spend so much energy trying to take control of everything around us, and also probably just because i really crave the feeling of his power, of feeling submissive, mostly of feeling very connected.
Quite frankly, this is fairly self-centered of me. I do want this, maybe need it - although I can and obviously do function even without the overt displays and actions of it all. I broke a very small rule last night and he pointed that out. I replied that i didn't know "we were still doing that." He reassured me that we are and will but that the focus needs to be where it needs to be.
To be blunt - he is working his ass off also, and I'm sure feeling more burden and responsible for everything going well than I am. He is still him, I'm still me, and we are still us. I know that this is life, and that it all ebbs and flows and interconnects, and that our dynamic is important because it supports us together and in how we can build our life, and that sometimes the effort has to go into the actual life.