Friday, August 6, 2010

are we still doing that?

We are here - in our new house. It is starting to be less and less like camping - finding the things we need from closets and dressers and cabinets instead of from boxes or suitcases; knowing where we are going vs. going exploring to find things; living here instead of interloping. We aren't there yet - but soon - hopefully.

The past two weeks have been about 3 months long, most of them spent with half the family in the new place and the other half in the old; some time together here, but overwhelmed by the work of getting settled; then he and I apart again next week. I commented to someone that we haven't had a very dynamic dynamic lately - just no time for anything not related to moving, or to helping angsty, moody teens adapt to moving. This person commented that maybe that's when the whole thing is it's most dynamic. Maybe - maybe keeping us sane and functioning fairly smoothly, adapting unconsciously and, by necessity, effortlessly to all the different situations. Maybe....

Part of me wants, really really wants, (needs??) to feel the flow between us. I don't know - maybe to be reassured it is there, to feel it as a touchstone in the chaos right now, to have someone controlling me as i spend so much energy trying to take control of everything around us, and also probably just because i really crave the feeling of his power, of feeling submissive, mostly of feeling very connected.

Quite frankly, this is fairly self-centered of me. I do want this, maybe need it - although I can and obviously do function even without the overt displays and actions of it all. I broke a very small rule last night and he pointed that out. I replied that i didn't know "we were still doing that." He reassured me that we are and will but that the focus needs to be where it needs to be.

To be blunt - he is working his ass off also, and I'm sure feeling more burden and responsible for everything going well than I am. He is still him, I'm still me, and we are still us. I know that this is life, and that it all ebbs and flows and interconnects, and that our dynamic is important because it supports us together and in how we can build our life, and that sometimes the effort has to go into the actual life.


  1. It's quite understandable that you would need this so badly now, yet just as understandable that he can't quite get to it right now. Maybe you can think of it as packed up in one of your boxes you haven't unpacked yet. It's there, you'll get back to it.

  2. glad you guys are getting settled in

    you'll get all those new rooms christened -- I'm sure


  3. "He reassured me that we are and will but that the focus needs to be where it needs to be."
    Perhaps it's just me, but the above statement would calm me. I think he's letting you know that he's still in control. Afterall, it's his choice to let things go due to circumstances. yes?
    Sorry things are so crazy for you. Time apart? I can relate!

  4. It is hard when so much of daily life requires so much of you time, energy, and focus just to get through. I hope your transition time goes well and you can reconnect the way you are wanting.

  5. Serenity,
    What a good way to look at it. Thanks.

    Oh, God!!! the windows in this house - i really hope not.

    you are right - and i know this is true. and it did help.

    thanks - i think it will happen soon, adn it's good motivation for me to get hte hosue put together.