Thursday, July 29, 2010
from the island of misfit girls
I am one of those people who just never seems to fit in. As a little girl, I never had 'girly' interests. This made me ok with the boys - but not 'ok' in the way I really wanted to be ok with them come puberty. In high school, I excelled at subjects girls weren't supposed to, and I couldn't begin to manage the social intricacies that girls were supposed to be good at. The disconnect continued throughout college - although less so, and in my career (in a fairly male dominated world over the past few years).
I have come to really accept this about myself. It just is who I am, I can't do any other way, I know this from times spent trying to fit in 'the right way.' But I do have spells when it strikes me harder. And I've had one of those times recently.
The community in which we currently live is fairly small, conservative, and blue collar. By and large, women don't work and there is a strong sentiment that the mom should be home with the kids. I've tried staying home and, frankly, I suck at it. I was a failure at it, so, I work.
On the other hand, most of the people with whom I work are single - either never married or divorced. I want to be married, I very much want my life to balance out in such a way that I can succeed at work; but moreso, I want my marriage and family to succeed.
Ironically, even among the fairly conservative, traditional people in our community, I would still never be able to talk about the structure of my marriage. In many ways, it aligns more with their way of viewing things than not. Nonetheless, i can't discuss it openly.
In this world of blogs, where I can discuss this type of relationship openly, we seem to not quite fit in either. The structure we have has been decided ultimately by my husband. I brought him some strange feelings and yearnings, an awful lot of ideas, and plenty of feedback about what does what to me and for me. But in the end, there is only going to be what he wants. But the way we work doesn't fit nicely into any of the abbreviations out there, or line up to look like one model or another. It's working for us, and we are growing with it, but i'm sure plenty would look at it and decide it isn't recognizable and thus just doesn't fit.
The thing that struck me the most recently has to do with looks and appearances. Emphasis seems to be placed on these a lot in this realm, either through pictures or descriptions of the people involved, or talk about what is expected of a woman as far as her appearance goes.
My sister got the looks in the family; me, not so much. However, brains aren't emphasized or even discussed much hereabouts. Maybe it is just counter to the whole notion - as a sub or a slave - maybe thinking for oneself is not quite the point of it after all, so it doesn't get emphasized. I have to believe though that the people in this corner of blogdom, particluarly the female subs/slaves/wives, are really quite bright and have plenty going on in that department, especially given the variety of ideas and insight and writing. But intelligence (creativity, etc...) just isn't talked about. I often wonder what my husband has ever seen in me - visually i mean. But I am glad that he isn't one of the 'most men' referred to in the picture above.