I had told him once that i found the idea of caning to be tantalizing in a very "didn't think it would ever happen to me so it was a safe hypothetical" sense.
Last weekend (more than a week ago now) I woke up Saturday morning and couldn't stop crying. I was exhausted, I was sleep deprived, I was emotionally on edge, and I was barely (ok, not really even barely) holding it together. I was trying very hard to put out of my mind the fact that incorporating pain into our dynamic was on hold, and i had no idea whether he would decide to make that permanent.
We were able to have some time alone and he had remembered what I had once said about caning. It was a funny thing: it hurt, it was more intense than anything previously, but I wouldn't ask him to stop. I was not bound down, only my hands together, and I wasn't completely able to stop myself from jumping around a bit after some of the blows. But I was supposed to keep my face in the pillow to muffle my cries. At one point he told me that if I lifted my face again, he would be finished. After that, I kept my face down.
It was incredibly good timing on his part. It made all the difference in me. I had felt so lost and unsure and so very far away from him. It is such a funny thing that pain can re-connect two people.
I'm not sure what it means. He says he is not put off, or feeling wrong about it. He says he wants to keep going. Now I need to trust what he says and accept where he goes without questioning and second guessing. Mostly I need to learn about me and learn how to turn this part of me over to him; that's going to be a tough one I think.
There was a funny thing that happened after all this. I felt much, much better the entire weekend. But by Monday I started feeling blah or just not feeling or thinking much at all. I didn't feel the warm glow I had over the weekend but I didn't feel like I wanted anything from him either. I was irritible and pulling away.
Honestly, I found myself not necessarly wanting to be near him or think about him at all. It was a feeling I recognized from before we started ttwd. I was irritated when he asked things of me, I found myself being passive- aggressive, wanting to be separate. And I found myself resenting him because I thought he should see this and reach in and make me stop feeling this way.
I was also a bit relieved - maybe this response meant that I had been wrong about the whole pain thing. Maybe the fact that I fantasized about it didn't really mean that it is what I wanted or needed in reality. How much simpler would that be? Even the fantasies went away. In fact all the cravings were quelched. I had gotten used to a really, really high level of distraction, arousal, frenzy even about it all. And that was gone.
Then another funny thing happened. It all came roaring back.