a funny thing happened....

I had told him once that i found the idea of caning to be tantalizing in a very "didn't think it would ever happen to me so it was a safe hypothetical" sense.

Last weekend (more than a week ago now) I woke up Saturday morning and couldn't stop crying.  I was exhausted, I was sleep deprived, I was emotionally on edge, and I was barely (ok, not really even barely) holding it together.  I was trying very hard to put out of my mind the fact that incorporating pain into our dynamic was on hold, and i had no idea whether he would decide to make that permanent.

We were able to have some time alone and he had remembered what I had once said about caning.  It was a funny thing: it hurt, it was more intense than anything previously, but I wouldn't ask him to stop.  I was not bound down, only my hands together, and I wasn't completely able to stop myself from jumping around a bit after some of the blows.  But I was supposed to keep my face in the pillow to muffle my cries.  At one point he told me that if I lifted my face again, he would be finished.  After that, I kept my face down. 

It was incredibly good timing on his part.  It made all the difference in me.  I had felt so lost and unsure and so very far away from him.  It is such a funny thing that pain can re-connect two people.

I'm not sure what it means.  He says he is not put off, or feeling wrong about it.  He says he wants to keep going.  Now I need to trust what he says and accept where he goes without questioning and second guessing.  Mostly I need to learn about me and learn how to turn this part of me over to him; that's going to be a tough one I think. 

There was a funny thing that happened after all this.  I felt much, much better the entire weekend.  But by Monday I started feeling blah or just not feeling or thinking much at all.  I didn't feel the warm glow I had over the weekend but I didn't feel like I wanted anything from him either.  I was irritible and pulling away. 

Honestly, I found myself not necessarly wanting to be near him or think about him at all.  It was a feeling I recognized from before we started ttwd.  I was irritated when he asked things of me, I found myself being passive- aggressive, wanting to be separate.  And I found myself resenting him because I thought he should see this and reach in and make me stop feeling this way. 
I was also a bit relieved - maybe this response meant that I had been wrong about the whole pain thing.  Maybe the fact that I fantasized about it didn't really mean that it is what I wanted or needed in reality.  How much simpler would that be?   Even the fantasies went away.  In fact all the cravings were quelched.  I had gotten used to a really, really high level of distraction, arousal, frenzy even about it all.  And that was gone. 
Then another funny thing happened.  It all came roaring back.