Monday, October 25, 2010

a funny thing happened....

I had told him once that i found the idea of caning to be tantalizing in a very "didn't think it would ever happen to me so it was a safe hypothetical" sense.

Last weekend (more than a week ago now) I woke up Saturday morning and couldn't stop crying.  I was exhausted, I was sleep deprived, I was emotionally on edge, and I was barely (ok, not really even barely) holding it together.  I was trying very hard to put out of my mind the fact that incorporating pain into our dynamic was on hold, and i had no idea whether he would decide to make that permanent.

We were able to have some time alone and he had remembered what I had once said about caning.  It was a funny thing: it hurt, it was more intense than anything previously, but I wouldn't ask him to stop.  I was not bound down, only my hands together, and I wasn't completely able to stop myself from jumping around a bit after some of the blows.  But I was supposed to keep my face in the pillow to muffle my cries.  At one point he told me that if I lifted my face again, he would be finished.  After that, I kept my face down. 

It was incredibly good timing on his part.  It made all the difference in me.  I had felt so lost and unsure and so very far away from him.  It is such a funny thing that pain can re-connect two people.

I'm not sure what it means.  He says he is not put off, or feeling wrong about it.  He says he wants to keep going.  Now I need to trust what he says and accept where he goes without questioning and second guessing.  Mostly I need to learn about me and learn how to turn this part of me over to him; that's going to be a tough one I think. 

There was a funny thing that happened after all this.  I felt much, much better the entire weekend.  But by Monday I started feeling blah or just not feeling or thinking much at all.  I didn't feel the warm glow I had over the weekend but I didn't feel like I wanted anything from him either.  I was irritible and pulling away. 

Honestly, I found myself not necessarly wanting to be near him or think about him at all.  It was a feeling I recognized from before we started ttwd.  I was irritated when he asked things of me, I found myself being passive- aggressive, wanting to be separate.  And I found myself resenting him because I thought he should see this and reach in and make me stop feeling this way. 
I was also a bit relieved - maybe this response meant that I had been wrong about the whole pain thing.  Maybe the fact that I fantasized about it didn't really mean that it is what I wanted or needed in reality.  How much simpler would that be?   Even the fantasies went away.  In fact all the cravings were quelched.  I had gotten used to a really, really high level of distraction, arousal, frenzy even about it all.  And that was gone. 
Then another funny thing happened.  It all came roaring back. 


  1. I am finding your post rather spooky, greengirl. It's as if I was reading someone else write about my weekend. The only difference was that your Saturday mornng, was my Friday.

  2. The head.
    It messes with us always, no?

  3. I'm glad you got what you needed.

    It's really funny cause even Asha at first was, well not really against intense spankings, caning, beltings and the likes, but he thought of them more as a punishment. It was hard for him at first because I think he really didn't believe it was going to have a positive effect on me.

    After a while he saw how much it helped me focused and how it lifted my mood, now he's the one who points out when I need it and I'm the one balking at it. LOL



  4. GG, I'm laughing b/c I can soooo relate to your feelings. When I am that far gone, it takes more than one time to get me feeling more grounded. I love that he told you he would "stop" if you moved out of place. That I can relate to! He is being your rock and you're pulling away b/c you need him to be stronger than that force. (IMHO) Mondays can feel gloomy when you know that during the week it will be difficult to have the "time". Downer time, sometimes. I hope your Monday is not too bad. You have a lot to get used to.
    I hope you're feeling "grounded" soon.

  5. Kelly - i dohope you pulled out of it too - it was a bad feeling.

    Absolutely - every time.

    turiya - yea - i am getting that - he sees it, i think he even likes it, and i think (kinda hope)he outpaces me that way.

    yea - mondays are a drag anyhow - someone mentioned the idea of subdrop - i think it may be part of the expalnation. Anyhow - i'm glad it's gone.