Something about writing my previous post triggered something in me. It became evident that the things i wrote are not really the truth of how i feel. They were at the time; they were the things i could identify as bothering me, what i wrote was my understanding of a deep uneasyness i was feeling.
But almost as soon as i was fnished, i realized that was too simple. If I am really honest with myself, I don't think i am crazy, and, while i do feel i am in withdrawal, i don't really feel this is an unhealthy addiction i should avoid.
But something is changing in me. I have never had sexual fantasies, or any type of fantasy really. Like I've said before, maybe something is broken in my mind. But now i think maybe i have, and I've hidden them, even from myself. I'm having flashes of recognition and deja vu: images and imaginings and especially traces of sensations from my skin intrude into my thoughts and seem very familiar and also shockingly new. There are also ghosts of feelings and emotions that i understand even less.
The deep uneasyness I had been feeling is becoming fear though. I am afraid of what these new things mean. I am afraid because my previous understanding was so far off, and I am afraid to see where this will lead me, lead us.
For us to know each other and be honest with each other requires us to be honest with ourselves, for me to stop hiding. This thing is clearly a deep part of me, and to share that with him, I need to discover and try to understand it. I am scared to death though, that in the process, I will offend him, hurt him, resent him, or - the worst - find a place where we are not compatible, where I find a need that he is not able to fill. I don't want to be faced with that. Not because i don't want to have to choose between him and the fulfillment of that need. I don't believe I could choose anything but him. But I don't want to come face to face with that realization, how horrible for each of us in our own way to live with.