Something about writing my previous post triggered something in me. It became evident that the things i wrote are not really the truth of how i feel. They were at the time; they were the things i could identify as bothering me, what i wrote was my understanding of a deep uneasyness i was feeling.
But almost as soon as i was fnished, i realized that was too simple. If I am really honest with myself, I don't think i am crazy, and, while i do feel i am in withdrawal, i don't really feel this is an unhealthy addiction i should avoid.
But something is changing in me. I have never had sexual fantasies, or any type of fantasy really. Like I've said before, maybe something is broken in my mind. But now i think maybe i have, and I've hidden them, even from myself. I'm having flashes of recognition and deja vu: images and imaginings and especially traces of sensations from my skin intrude into my thoughts and seem very familiar and also shockingly new. There are also ghosts of feelings and emotions that i understand even less.
The deep uneasyness I had been feeling is becoming fear though. I am afraid of what these new things mean. I am afraid because my previous understanding was so far off, and I am afraid to see where this will lead me, lead us.
For us to know each other and be honest with each other requires us to be honest with ourselves, for me to stop hiding. This thing is clearly a deep part of me, and to share that with him, I need to discover and try to understand it. I am scared to death though, that in the process, I will offend him, hurt him, resent him, or - the worst - find a place where we are not compatible, where I find a need that he is not able to fill. I don't want to be faced with that. Not because i don't want to have to choose between him and the fulfillment of that need. I don't believe I could choose anything but him. But I don't want to come face to face with that realization, how horrible for each of us in our own way to live with.
Our own primordial ooze is one of the scariest places that exists. Just remember that, even though there are some serious nasties down there, there are also a bunch of boogeymen.
ReplyDeleteYou are honest and strong and you and your husband have a wonderful relationship. Between you, you will find a way. (Just maybe not by next Tuesday.) ;-)
greengirl,
ReplyDeleteI've been there more time than I care to admit. And ya there is always that fear that you'll share something intense and private and they'll just chuckle or be dismissive.
In any event, he'll read this (hopefully) and help you through it.
Hugs,
mouse
I used to be scared of pretty much the same stuff with Asha. I often wondered if I was too masochistic for him and think if he knew it would affect what he felt about me. He's not a very physically sadistic person... his sadism lies more in mental aspects, so it was very difficult for me to let him see that side of me. It's funny, though, because he's quite willing to give me what I need when I need it and he's actually finding that he enjoys it too.
ReplyDeleteAnd there have even been things that I've wanted that he doesn't have an interest in, but it hasn't changed his opinion. In the end I've realized that most likely I'll never get everything I need out of our relationship, but we'll find a way to adapt and work it out together.
The important thing is getting to a point where you can express your desires to him without expectation and without fear of his reaction... then you can work out where to go from there. I've found that even if it's something he doesn't feel comfortable with doing, just talking about it with him helps to relieve some of the pressure of the need, if that makes sense.
*hugs*
turiya
Jz, mouse and turiya gave great answers. I can only tell you that I've had a few moments when I thought it wasn't doable between us. But those moments were my own projections of having less value in his life than I had. If it were reversed you would give it your all and so will he. Nothing ventured, nothing gained has never been more true than within these moments of discovery, sharing and adjustment. Communicate, Communicate, Communicate.
ReplyDeleteJz, mouse and turiya gave great answers. I can only tell you that I've had a few moments when I thought it wasn't doable between us. But those moments were my own projections of having less value in his life than I had. If it were reversed you would give it your all and so will he. Nothing ventured, nothing gained has never been more true than within these moments of discovery, sharing and adjustment. Communicate, Communicate, Communicate.
ReplyDeleteJZ,
ReplyDeleteNasties and boogeymen - very comforting - thanks. Yea - i do believe we will - i'm jus tnot so fond of not seeing the big picture - can you say CONTROL.
mouse,
thank you - he has read, does want to work through it, I dunno - that helps - but i'm not able to let that be enough at this point.
turiya,
this really helps - i need to get to a point that i belive it is ok for us each to have different needs, focus, etc... adn i am seeing what you mean about talking taking the pressure off - or at least makeing me saner
KayLynn,
ReplyDeleteYou're right. I have been surprised over and over by how he sees me in his life. I'm not sure I have the option of not trying at this point. thank you.