Thursday, January 5, 2012

observations - ours and others'

Our holidays were generally good - time with lots of family over Christmas, and reconnecting with good friends over New Years.  We traveled then we hosted several extra families in our house.   We are fortunate, and blessed, in so, so many ways - and we are thankful for this.  My husband pointed out to me that the picture presented in my blog didn't reflect this. 

My two most recent posts have been downers - i know.  I absolutely believe that with ttwd - our highs are higher, and the lows are tougher to take.  The disconnect and the disappointment in myself and hence, frustration with him, that i felt so acutely - wouldn't have been blips on the radar previously.  I know that whatever we are in the midst of figuring out - is important.  And i know that, in spite of the wilder ups and downs, neither of us thinks we aren't much better off now.  (Follow all the double negatives there?  ttwd = good)

In various conversations over the holidays - some things people said struck me and i tucked them away to think about:

Close friends - who have known us for more than 20 years - commented that we were visibly so much happier together than we have been before that they thought it was altogether too cute (not sure they considered cute a compliment - but the happy part they did).

In talking in generalities about relationship styles, i joked that i just say "yes dear" and agree to whatever i'm asked to do - and that makes the relationship easier....  One of our friends became really animated and adamant that i shouldn't tease my husband that way - that it was cruel to let him think such a thing was even possible...  

Funny thing is - he is one of the ones who said we are too cute - he never put 2 + 2 together.  I suppose i should think more about how i had appeared - or actually had been - all those years.  Maybe i need to think about how i appear still.

I asked my husband about his views in the conversation about giving and taking started by Jake and continued by Aisha - esp my discomfort with the thought that i make things more work for him now - because it is more effort, more engagement, more work for him to pay attention to me than when we had more parallel vs. interconnected existences.   He pointed out that it has always been his nature to want to be challenged, to not take the easy path.  Among other things, he runs marathons for fun and relaxation: putting in effort for things he values is who he is. I had never thought of it that way before.

The next month has the potential to be difficult for me.  He will be gone - a lot, and our time when he is here will be  filled with family.  Family is good of course, but after the past few weeks, the submissive me knows that i will struggle without his control.  And - the greedy little thing in me really wants some attention too.  I have a feeling i will be learning a lot about active submission - and hopefully self control, i have a feeling they are quite related.


  1. I think it is wonderful that your friends notice the difference in your relationship. You are setting a good example. :)

    I hope this month goes by very fast for you. *hugs*

  2. What a lovely post, Gg. His response to your concerns about giving and taking is ~ to me ~ very reassuring. It's not the response of someone who's saying something to appease you in any way. That's powerful and beautiful.

    You all have something strong and lasting. I have the month goes by fast, and that you find ways to grow through it!



  3. You're very right about TTWD providing both higher highs and lower lows, greengirl. It seems to magnify feelings and caring throughout a relationship, and because of that, the ups are really up and the downs can be very down. But on the whole, it's a wonderful thing!

    I agree with aisha about your husband's response to your questions about giving and taking. It sounds to me like he feels the same way I do--he wants things to be the way they are and enjoys the roles you both play.

    Hope all goes well over the next (potentially difficult) month for you!

  4. Serenity,
    Thank you - i don't know if it is a good example if they still think i'm pushy and difficult. Maybe i will learn to show the new me more.

    Interestingly - his response was reassuring to me also - probably exactly because it was just a statement of fact. Thank you for your kind words.

    It is wonderful - but i need reminding sometimes. I think you are correct - he hasn't wavered - it's I who is all over the place. thank you.

  5. Sounds like things are going well. Once things settle down a little mouse has her own holiday observations to put down.

    It's hard to really get inside others heads. When they notice good changes....sometimes dunno mouse feels weird. Like what kind of vibe we were able putting out before. Or what makes now so different. But whatever their reason mouse is happy they noticed.


  6. I'm so happy for you both. The fact that friends can notice how happy you are together is a sign that this lifestyle is good for both of you. I hope it isn't too difficult dealing with the next month when you won't have as much time together.


  7. mouse,
    i think you're right - things are going well - i should remember that.
    thanks. i worry more about how i treated my husband before - more tan others' impressions - although - it's kinda sad to think about what they thought too.

    Thank you sir. Really - i should be thankful for his job, not seeing it as a problem.