Our holidays were generally good - time with lots of family over Christmas, and reconnecting with good friends over New Years. We traveled then we hosted several extra families in our house. We are fortunate, and blessed, in so, so many ways - and we are thankful for this. My husband pointed out to me that the picture presented in my blog didn't reflect this.
My two most recent posts have been downers - i know. I absolutely believe that with ttwd - our highs are higher, and the lows are tougher to take. The disconnect and the disappointment in myself and hence, frustration with him, that i felt so acutely - wouldn't have been blips on the radar previously. I know that whatever we are in the midst of figuring out - is important. And i know that, in spite of the wilder ups and downs, neither of us thinks we aren't much better off now. (Follow all the double negatives there? ttwd = good)
In various conversations over the holidays - some things people said struck me and i tucked them away to think about:
Close friends - who have known us for more than 20 years - commented that we were visibly so much happier together than we have been before that they thought it was altogether too cute (not sure they considered cute a compliment - but the happy part they did).
In talking in generalities about relationship styles, i joked that i just say "yes dear" and agree to whatever i'm asked to do - and that makes the relationship easier.... One of our friends became really animated and adamant that i shouldn't tease my husband that way - that it was cruel to let him think such a thing was even possible...
Funny thing is - he is one of the ones who said we are too cute - he never put 2 + 2 together. I suppose i should think more about how i had appeared - or actually had been - all those years. Maybe i need to think about how i appear still.
I asked my husband about his views in the conversation about giving and taking started by Jake and continued by Aisha - esp my discomfort with the thought that i make things more work for him now - because it is more effort, more engagement, more work for him to pay attention to me than when we had more parallel vs. interconnected existences. He pointed out that it has always been his nature to want to be challenged, to not take the easy path. Among other things, he runs marathons for fun and relaxation: putting in effort for things he values is who he is. I had never thought of it that way before.
The next month has the potential to be difficult for me. He will be gone - a lot, and our time when he is here will be filled with family. Family is good of course, but after the past few weeks, the submissive me knows that i will struggle without his control. And - the greedy little thing in me really wants some attention too. I have a feeling i will be learning a lot about active submission - and hopefully self control, i have a feeling they are quite related.