Friday, January 27, 2012

There's always more...

Or maybe i'm just really, really slow.

[This post runs the risk of being TMI - ironic for the kind of blog it is, but it's a touchy one for me]

This all started for us in the bedroom.  That's where our problems lay at the time.  The progression from there was just what naturally happened.

We've come a long way - i've come a long way.  In my previous life, i barely let him touch me; the parts of my body i was unhappy with were forbidden, and frankly, that left very little.  This morning, my husband laid me out on our bed and claimed my entire body - touching, stroking, rubbing, scratching, possessing every bit of me. He transports me when he does this.  All my focus is on him, not on my body or my perceptions of my body.  My skin reaches out and listens for his touch. My body responds to him alone, not to me.

But there are layers in everything, aren't there?  Learning your way past each challenge seems to just reveal a new one.  And I fall into the trap of thinking that, just because i can't see the next dragon to slay, there must not be any more.

He loves making me come - he just does - he always has.  And now, well - i think he's a kid in a candy shop, or a boy with a new toy, literally.

And the issue, the touchy part for me, the dragon, is that my body hasn't turned that over to him.  Orgasms are not multiple or easy things for me.  They don't happen *to* me, I have to participate, at least mentally.  I have to nudge them along.  I don't mean fantasizing about something else, maybe even the opposite: i have to be very there.  I have to focus and maybe even work for it.  In the end though, they remain under my control, and not even particularly good control at that.  I work to do what he wants, to follow his lead and give him what he is asking for.  But somehow following his direction, however faithfully, doesn't feel the same as just getting out and letting him drive.

This feels like a failure to me.  I don't think he sees it that way, I'm not sure.  It's both very subtle, and quite overwhelming for me.  I don't know if this is a "just the way my body is, no point in worrying about it" thing, or if it's in my head and is in fact related to not letting go of some level of control.

and i can't even imagine - if i could slay this dragon, what on earth would the next one look like?


  1. I could have written this...Though probably far less eloquently.
    Orgasms are a dragon for me 2. And I would love not to have to control them at all...But at the same time, they are hard to come by, if not impossible without active internal direction of my own. I don't have very good control over them either...

    This isn't something you see many people write about...It is one of those things about myself that I often see as a failing. Though ironically, when others talk about it, I don't view it that way at all! Isn't self-judgement awesome.

  2. stupid things, orgasms.

    They've assumed this mythic status as the be all and end all of sex -- yet they are not.

    The guy before BG was probably the person I've been the most reliably orgasmic with in my life - and it was also far and away the most BORING sex of my life.
    I was able to come consistently because we were so unconnected mentally about sex that I just tuned him out and focused on myself. He was just a breathing dildo as far as sex was concerned.
    Yeah, I came, but it was completely uninspiring. As I've said more than once on my own blog, the whole point of sex for me is the mind fuck.

    If that is lacking, it doesn't matter to me what kind of physiological response you're eliciting, we aren't connecting.
    If it is there, I am completely turned on no matter what my body does. I may come for you or I may not but frankly, I don't flippin' care. I'm busy enjoying the heck out of this - this is where my joy is.

    To me, sex should be free-form and go with the flow. We shouldn't need to be so focused on any one thing but just revel in all the pleasures it offers.

    (I vote "Don't worry about it", in case you couldn't guess.)

  3. I've read this a few times GG, and I have more questions than answers but I will say.... There are times that I have to work at it too. And H just loves to get me to that blissful place - Men just do! H loves the look on my face, and whether I'm driving or he is, he feels he owns the experience- all's well that ends well, you know?
    So I agree with Jz, just enjoy the heck out of it! And if your hubby is happy with his candy and toys, then things *must* be good!

  4. Totally agree!! Everyone talks about orgasms... and honestly, for me, it can be a chore to get there. It all depends on where my head is at! If my mind isn't in the right place it just ain't gonna happen!

    I, too, am not happy with most of my body. My S loves every bit of it... before we started ttwd I wouldn't even let him see me undress. Sex was always in the dark. Since I have given up control, he requires the bedside light on... at first it was so hard... but you know, every time we are intimate in the light it gets easier and easier. No, my self image about my body really hasn't gotten any better.... but I do love how we are since I have given up that control and have trusted him more than I ever have!

  5. gg, there are so many complicated factors involved right? One of mine is peri-menopause and hormonal shifts and changes. I suspect a lot of what we read about on this subject on blogs is pure fantasy, and that your experience, which is similar to mine, and the other commenters is the 'norm' so to speak.

    And good sex is/can be about so much more than the orgasm...right?


  6. It's mostly the same for mouse, when Omega is the right kind of mood, he'll do what mouse calls ripping orgasms from her. He does's nearly impossible to do it with out him or his help...assistance. At least not without the proper headspace.

    You're so not alone.


  7. An "O" is hard to cum by (pun intended), I have to mentally help get myself there: focus on it. But like everyone else seems to think, sex is so much more than having an "O".
    Well said BTW!

  8. And i read this and thought, yes, of course there's gonna be another dragon to slay.

    You're doing what i think of as "soul work." You're growing your soul, and once you start doing that, i don't think you get to stop. Would you really want to?



  9. What a wonderful topic, and brave. It's very interesting to read everyone's comments. I can only have reliable "O"'s in one position. And of course my brain has to be in the right place. I've read something that says the brain is the most important sex organ, and I think that is so true.

  10. lil,
    i think that those who do write about it - are the ones for whom they come easily and at will - i dunno - i go round and round with whether i think it's ok the way i am - or if i should work to be different. i suppose i should as him really...

    it does seem to be a case of - not discussed publicly - so there's lots of mis-information - or as you say - myth vs. reality - i'm guess the whole thign is as variable as the rest of human traits are. I absolutely agree that there is a lot more to the whole thing - the O isn't the be all/end all - i think that's part of why bdsm is good for me/us - so much more to experience.

    If the ?'s are something i can answer - try me... It always helps me to have people make me dig a little. I think that - the same way i try to explain to him how much the whole thing is part of it for me - not just the orgasm - he has tried to convince me that he finds his joy in my pleasure - i guess we each have a little trouble believing the other on this one.

    that's exactly the way it is with me and the body issues. It has taken time - but i believe he loves my body and that is what matters.

  11. Sara,
    I have a feeling you are absolutely right - and that among and even within women - there must be huge variability. and yes - the orgasm is certainly not the only wonderful part of the experience, there are times it's better without it even.

    Maybe i'm misunderstanding what you mean - what i feel i'm failing at is letting him take them (rip them) from me - in the end - i have to "give them" so to speak - and i worry i should be different - so that he can do with them as he wants.

    DD&D/s wife,
    Welcome. Thanks. Yea - there is a lot more to it - for sure. Probably i should not worry about it anyhow.

    that is interesting - i would have said that Orgasms - probably sex in general aren't part of "important" or soul work - that it is all extra or indulgence - like food or other pleasures -but i suppose it is all part of me in the end. Thanks.

    I suppose now my secret is out there for all the world to see and judge - still fairly ironic given the whole nature of the blog. I suppose that speaks to the "peer pressure" so to speak that surrounds the whole issue. But i think you've hit it - it has to be a head not a body thing.

  12. @Gg,

    But you're not just talking about the physical act of having an orgasm. You're talking about orgasms in the context of giving and taking, submitting and offering, and what the orgasm means to you in the context of your relationship. What could be deeper or more important?


    1. Aisha,
      you're right, of course - i seem to put things into the right context sometimes, but not at others. after years of our issues being related to sex, i should know how crucial it really is. thank you.

  13. It's funny you should blog about this today when just last night hubby and I were talking about my inability to have an easy orgasm. Some of it comes with age. I used to be multi-orgasmic but I used to have more stamina and he used to have more stamina and we used to be contortionists ... you get the picture. I agree with many here who point out the myth is very different from the reality and most of us seem to be living the reality disappointed we aren't living up to the myth. I think this is one more way women beat themselves up and attack each other with comparisons (nursing vs formula, stay-at home vs work, slim vs curvy, swallow vs spit, etc.). I am guilty of this as well.

    I thought I failed last night when I couldn't quite get to the O. And then I felt bad because my husband thought he failed me somehow. And so we spent the rest of the night reassuring each other that we're fine when we should have just gone to sleep and woken up this morning hot and horny and ready to go again. But that honest conversation about myth and reality has given us a new lease on life. No pressure. Just fun!

    Good luck to you with this.

  14. Sublime,
    Thank you. We do tend to fall into that trap over an over don't we - when really - all i should need to worry about is what he thinks.

  15. I'm so glad to see someone somewhere talk about this. Everywhere I read women are gushing multi-orgasms all over the place, and that's just simply not how it works for me.

    I can give myself orgasms, alone, in a minute or two, easy, but with my man it just doesn't happen. The first problem is, he tells me he wants me to have them. Ok, um, you just made it SO much more difficult! I try to tell him I enjoy it more if he doesn't focus on whether I have them or not, that I just want to relax and enjoy having sex with him, and if I have one, I have one. But I don't think he's convinced. But it's the truth. And not only can I not have orgasms if he keeps asking me if I'm having/had one, but I can't enjoy the sex at all either, because I'm either trying to have an orgasm, or I'm wondering how much longer he'll go before telling me to give myself an orgasm. ARGH.

    1. t1klish,
      ooh - i can't even imagine if he kept asking. i do think he finally believes that the journey is just as much fun - of course he still likes the big bang