Or maybe i'm just really, really slow.
[This post runs the risk of being TMI - ironic for the kind of blog it is, but it's a touchy one for me]
This all started for us in the bedroom. That's where our problems lay at the time. The progression from there was just what naturally happened.
We've come a long way - i've come a long way. In my previous life, i barely let him touch me; the parts of my body i was unhappy with were forbidden, and frankly, that left very little. This morning, my husband laid me out on our bed and claimed my entire body - touching, stroking, rubbing, scratching, possessing every bit of me. He transports me when he does this. All my focus is on him, not on my body or my perceptions of my body. My skin reaches out and listens for his touch. My body responds to him alone, not to me.
But there are layers in everything, aren't there? Learning your way past each challenge seems to just reveal a new one. And I fall into the trap of thinking that, just because i can't see the next dragon to slay, there must not be any more.
He loves making me come - he just does - he always has. And now, well - i think he's a kid in a candy shop, or a boy with a new toy, literally.
And the issue, the touchy part for me, the dragon, is that my body hasn't turned that over to him. Orgasms are not multiple or easy things for me. They don't happen *to* me, I have to participate, at least mentally. I have to nudge them along. I don't mean fantasizing about something else, maybe even the opposite: i have to be very there. I have to focus and maybe even work for it. In the end though, they remain under my control, and not even particularly good control at that. I work to do what he wants, to follow his lead and give him what he is asking for. But somehow following his direction, however faithfully, doesn't feel the same as just getting out and letting him drive.
This feels like a failure to me. I don't think he sees it that way, I'm not sure. It's both very subtle, and quite overwhelming for me. I don't know if this is a "just the way my body is, no point in worrying about it" thing, or if it's in my head and is in fact related to not letting go of some level of control.
and i can't even imagine - if i could slay this dragon, what on earth would the next one look like?