I feel like recently we are a machine all out of whack - the gears mis-matched, the drives mis-aligned, the belts slipping all over - lots of energy being put in and all of it being sucked into the noise and clatter and wasted motion - very little of use being produced.
I don't seem to know how to communicate anything to him. And i feel like he is listening differently - in a way i don't know how to work with.
I have no idea if this is just bad timing: the two of us each just being off for whatever reason. Or if there is some fault in the foundation that is now destabilizing us. Or if it's one of those breakdowns that seems to be necessary leading up to some next step.
But - it's hard to fix a machine while it's running. To figure out where to start putting things back in place - you have to stop it, tinker with it, start it slowly, see how it's going, stop, tinker some more.... Sticking your hands in and trying to move things around while the wheels are flying isn't so easy.
To be more specific - and less metaphorical - we have a house to run and a family to raise - we have to communicate about everything from the mundane to the very serious.
Lately - i can't seem to get it right. I don't tell him things i should, i do express things i shouldn't - and in ways i shouldn't.
Communication needs to happen and goes right and wrong in all kinds of relationships. So i think maybe i'm trying to make it too complicated - trying to make it somehow different - to fit our "different" dynamic - maybe that's where i'm screwing up. Or maybe it is different now, maybe the expectations are really altered - and i'm just not hitting the target?
I'm very frustrated with myself for not being able to see where my problem is and address it. And - rightly or wrongly - i'm frustrated with him too. It takes two.
What i really want is for him to him to stick his hands in the machine, straighten everything out, and fix it all. But it takes two - so i at least want him to stand next to me and peer in and while we try to figure out what's what.