I understand about cycles, and ups and downs, and this is real life not make believe......
When he's around - physically, or at least mentally, i fall nicely (mostly, eventually) into line -- i listen, my attitude adjusts, i can step back and submit, be submissive.
Maybe sub lite really - by outward appearance, you would probably never guess - but there's a definite shift in my mind. I'm his, and that gives me confidence and joy and that in turn rolls though me back to him, and around and on.
When he isn't available, at least mentally, when we have so little communication and so little time, and even less is about us, i have to forge ahead on my own. Yea - i know - poor me.
Obviously, i can do this, i can manage. I'm not interested in becoming incapable, and he certainly isn't looking for that. He in fact needs me to manage.
The problem is that i do manage, pretty well most of the time actually. I manage logistics and caregiving, home and job, details and big picture...
I even manage my own emotions. Even when i've fallen off a cliff, if i'm alone, i pick up and carry on. If the guidance, containment, or plain old physical re-alignment aren't to be had - i still have to move forward and function. So i do.
So remind me why this submission thing is so attractive????
If I can do it myself, with him moving in and out of the picture as it does or doesn't work out, why bother with the shift? Why not stay in this mode and skip the transitions. The transitions are a bitch.
This is the part i think i must be doing wrong: there must be a way to submit gracefully when he's here or at least there and available, and also gracefully be both submissive and entirely self-sufficient when he's not. There must be a right way to be to cover all the contingencies.
Let me know if you find that magic formula. I'm still looking too...
ReplyDeletei have a funny feeling that it's like too many things, no magic formula....
DeleteGG,
ReplyDeleteThis is such a complicated issue, but I think it's more about your perceptions. Sometimes you just need to reduce things to their simplest terms. Aren't you always his? Haven't you been so for quite some time? Aren't you a product that he has made? Granted, you are still you, but at this point aren't you really the you he's made?
So if all of that is a yes, aren't you always submissive and obedient to his will? Aren't you always thinking in terms of what he would want and what would please him? To me, that's being a perfect submissive. One that will obey and put my desires first whether I am right there or not, and one that understands me so well that she chooses correctly even in new situations. If you aren't correct with those choices all the time, well the truth is no one's perfect.
Trust me, Mary Ann has been with me almost 25 years now, and Ginger 10. Ginger is good at predicting what I would want in a given situation, and Mary Ann is even better, but even now their predictions aren't perfect. The point though is that when something like that happens, the first thing they automatically ask themselves is "What would he want"? That's what makes them perfect submissive partners, even when the prediction is less than perfect.
I bet that is the first question you ask yourself as well, and you should recognize that. If he isn't there at that moment to choose for you, he has at least taught you how he would choose, and in that way he is still with you, guiding you, and controlling you no matter what.
MC,
DeleteFor the everyday stuff - i do manage to choose well most of the time, so to speak. And i don't question that i'm his, no matter what. I do stumble on the - as you say - perceptions in my head of whether i'm on my own or whether he's with me. The best i can explain it is that i can be open to him if he's at least available even if he's away. But when it goes awhile that he's not - i'm not so open - and the opening and closing are hard for me.
The transitions are a bitch and we do it because it's worth it and maybe one day we will learn how to transition gracefully back and forth?
ReplyDeleteWhen you figure out the right way to cover all the contingencies please send me the answer.
Helpful aren't I?
really - not so helpful - but then i don't think there are magic formulas for this, just to keep moving forward. graceful has never been my thing, but a girl can dream...
Delete"So remind me why this submission thing is so attractive????"
ReplyDeleteBecause it feels so good when you do, well mostly anyway.
You are a strong and capable woman and could likely do anything you want to all by yourself. But isn't it wonderful that you don't have to? It's a gift to both of you that you just continually give over and over again every time you shift back.
Happy Valentines Day!
But it's so hard from this distance to remember how much less how it feels to submit. I do hope i can learn to go back and forth more easily.
DeleteThis is a really interesting post, Gg. I don't have any words of wisdom but I'll be checking back for other comments.
ReplyDeleteMagnusCattus - very insightful. :)
The "shift" is what I struggle with too.
Fondly, Sky
thank you. I imagine lots of us do struggle with this. If it were so easy, it probably wouldn't be so powerful.
DeleteGreat questions, I struggle with the shift too, and sometimes with the "why bother?" Put me on the list of people to let know when you figure it out, please....
ReplyDeleteMagnusCattus' response is interesting, and contains some truth I think, but there's still a shift that needs to happen when "He" is around.
aisha
I know he isn't controlling my emotions, or even responsible for them - but there is a distinct difference in how open i am - and open is not easy for me. I think for me that is the shift. thank you - maybe don't hold your breath for that answer though.
DeleteBecause it's amazing. There's nothing like it.
ReplyDeleteWhy bother baking a cake, when it's eaten and it's gone and you have to bake another damn cake if you want any more?
Because it's good. Because it makes people happy.
Why bother preparing a meal, when surely raw carrots and cold beans from a can will get everyone through?
Because there's love in the preparation, because coming together over a satisfying meal is wonderful.
Why bother going on vacation? It's a lot of effort and expense, and then it's over and back to humdrum everyday life. Vacation drop, yeah, a bummer.
Because the experience is what matters. And even if you have a bad vacation experience, you're probably not going to give up on vacations altogether.
You're right - all good points - from the downside it's hard for me to remember the amazingness. Fortunately i usually remember pretty quickly once he's back. Thanks.
DeleteI suspect you already know the answer.
ReplyDeleteI suspect you're right - to the why. The how - i guess i need to keep practicing. Thank you.
Delete