I understand about cycles, and ups and downs, and this is real life not make believe......
When he's around - physically, or at least mentally, i fall nicely (mostly, eventually) into line -- i listen, my attitude adjusts, i can step back and submit, be submissive.
Maybe sub lite really - by outward appearance, you would probably never guess - but there's a definite shift in my mind. I'm his, and that gives me confidence and joy and that in turn rolls though me back to him, and around and on.
When he isn't available, at least mentally, when we have so little communication and so little time, and even less is about us, i have to forge ahead on my own. Yea - i know - poor me.
Obviously, i can do this, i can manage. I'm not interested in becoming incapable, and he certainly isn't looking for that. He in fact needs me to manage.
The problem is that i do manage, pretty well most of the time actually. I manage logistics and caregiving, home and job, details and big picture...
I even manage my own emotions. Even when i've fallen off a cliff, if i'm alone, i pick up and carry on. If the guidance, containment, or plain old physical re-alignment aren't to be had - i still have to move forward and function. So i do.
So remind me why this submission thing is so attractive????
If I can do it myself, with him moving in and out of the picture as it does or doesn't work out, why bother with the shift? Why not stay in this mode and skip the transitions. The transitions are a bitch.
This is the part i think i must be doing wrong: there must be a way to submit gracefully when he's here or at least there and available, and also gracefully be both submissive and entirely self-sufficient when he's not. There must be a right way to be to cover all the contingencies.