I wonder an awful lot if it's wise, if it's even possible, to make ttwd work added to an existing marriage. I'm not the only one to wonder this either - lil explains it better than i do i think. Plenty of the advice and cautionary tales out there say no - it just can't work. And i suppose that the jury won't be in till we fail and prove them right, or die - and prove them wrong.
The first time i reached out to anyone to ask questions - my biggest concern, my overriding fear, was that taking the first step would lead down a road that, if it went badly, would destroy what we already had. It was an "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" feeling. The person to whom i had addressed the question pointed out that just wondering or considering it had already opened a door that changed our path, for better or worse, we couldn't pretend it wasn't there.
My fears have been pretty specific - i see how intense our connection and our feelings are with ttwd, i imagined that the depth of the hurt would be far greater when things are not right, i also imagined insurmountable guilt, recrimination and blame if it fell apart. The depth of the hurt part is true - we have both experienced that - and it is more complicated to get beyond. I think we do care more, think about each other and our relationship more than we used to. The high's are higher, and the low's lower. The question is - is it worth it to us, and can we get through each time.
For the first time, i'm starting to believe though that we would survive and move forward in our marriage, even if ttwd didn't. We are still trying to figure out what went wrong, and how to put things back together. Looking at the possibility that ttwd is not going to work for us has at least made me realize that my underlying assumption, the given in my mind, is that we would of course stay together, just in a new way.
I've only had experience with this way of going about it all. In my mind - it would have been so easy had we met and started out as D/s or M/s. Following the rules, pleasing him, doing as he asks - that is the easy part for me. It sounds so mindless and freeing and right now that sounds sooooo appealing. In my imaginings - the depth of the relationship would evolve easily and smoothly from there. If he's making me into exactly what he wants anyhow - how would there be strife? I realize that's my little fantasy view of it all - not reality, but sometimes i fall prey to the "If only..."
But we already are who we are, we know each other - good, bad, and ugly, messy and complicated. I think both of us wish we could just go back and be what we were a few weeks ago. I think we were even trying to do that as a way to fix things. But i think we both realize now that we can't go back - that wherever we go - it's going to be new and evolved from where we were and where we are.