Thursday, August 16, 2012
practicing "what he wants"
One of the things my husband used to help maintain our connection while i was away was tasks i had to perform and then report to him i had completed. Nothing earth-shattering there of course, pretty common tactic i'm sure.
One task, it turned out, was one of the very few things he has asked of me in three years that I just plain didn't want to do, on any level. Jake has a very interesting discussion about doing what he wants really being what she wants or really being what she doesn't want which isnt what he wants... It sounds silly when i say it (keep reading, this is not the silliest sounding part of this post) but Jake explains it well and it was a thing we had to learn too, are still learning: things don't work for me if i think he does them because it's what i want or with any consideration of my preferences, i have to believe he's asking or choosing because it's what he wants.
Other things he asks of me I find pleasurable (cock worship), or useful (any and all housework, etc), or know I need to do even if I would choose not to on my own (exercise), or I see the enjoyment for him if not especially for myself (every once in a while i would rather sleep), or at the very least I feel the imposition of his control through them and know it serves his wishes (pictures requested out of the blue). There is the irony or the mind game of the reality that even difficult, painful, or humiliating tasks may be something a submissive says she doesn't want, but that ends up being precisely why she does want them. This didn't hit any of these levels for me, at all, maybe it should have, probably it was intended to hit several, but it didn't.
For this, i had to focus on, "It's what he wants."
I'm a bit embarresed to tell you that the task was - to cum three times in one day.
I know, I know, wtf? Sounds lovely? What's the problem? How is that even a "task?"
I do envy those of you who cum so effortlessly, who have to work not to, but the fact is, i just don't come that easily, or often, and I didn't have any toys with me, and my period started the day before, and I really just don't play by myself very often anymore, and, and, and...
Anyhow, he had said to do this thing, "and no excuses.". And I didn't give him any...
My first thought when i read his instructions though, which i did put in my email response, was that he sent his order to the wrong girl, he must have intended it for his other girl who actually can come three times in one day.
I really don't play by myself anymore. Never when he is in town, unless it's a command performance for him, and rarely when he is out of town. If i do want to play when he is away, there is a ritual to the asking, and while i usually get permission, sometimes i don't. This all puts it squarely in the category of "things i shouldn't want but do because they are a bit humiliating and a lot controlling," which of course makes it that much more desired.
Telling me i have to cum, and three times over a day, didn't have any of that intimate, connected, deliciously uncomfortable flavor to it - it was just a thing i didn't really want to do that i had to do.
And I did it. I had no faith I would actually be able to, and I had to work at it more than one should have to, and there wasn't real enjoyment in it. I had to force myself to do it. It would have been quite simple to skip it altogether, or give a half-hearted effort then given up. It would have been easy (logistically) to lie to him. Not easy, maybe not possible, in reality, that hasn't been part of us, ever really. But there was nothing but his trust and my integrity holding me to it.
And it was a brilliant task on his part. I'm pretty sure he knew i wouldn't want to do this thing. I think he knew i would do it anyhow. And i'm sure he knew that this task in particular demands i practice keeping in mind that it's what he wants, whether i want it or not. Unlike any other task, mindset is crucial to this one happening or not. I could clean floors or polish his shoes successfully with all sorts of complaints and bitching in my head. I could try all day with no success at this task if my head weren't in the right place. To get over the hump, i had nothing else to call on and i had to keep in the front of my mind that he told me to do this and it's what he wants.