funny quirk

I have a funny quirk (well, one of many really)....

When things are going well - i get quiet. I mean going well in my relationship with my husband, in my feeling connected, controlled, contained and taken-on-adventures.  When all that is going well, i get quiet here in my blog, maybe blogland in general.  I have a feeling of having nothing to say.  Words just won't come to me.

I'm a bit the opposite in real life - when i am sad, or worried, distracted or distressed, i very much draw into myself and communicate far less than typical.   When i am at ease, content, fairly happy overall, i am more open and demonstrative.

Until i started blogging, i was never one to poke and prod at my feelings; i never really examined them very much - i would see them, sort them, file them away and move on.  TTWD was so different from anything else, and for me it required that i understand what i was doing and feeling.  The writing out of blogging helped with figuring out what I was feeling, make sense of my responses, see how to accept the huge and often frightening emotions. It helped me process.

Somehow though i am reluctant to process the good feelings.  Somehow the good feelings are not as huge, or at least not as looming. The sense of calm and joy and security is deep and pervasive and very welcome, and i feel not at all compelled to dissect it or even to try to describe it.

On a certain level this is probably just alright.  Why mess with a good thing?  Accept it and be grateful...  I do and i am. Also -  there is certainly an element of feeling like i shouldn't try to peek at the man behind the curtain.  It's good so it's not my place to question it, to question him.

On the other hand, if it is useful to examine the negative in order to learn how to avoid it, maybe it could be useful to examine the positive to learn how to maintain it.  And why would it be any more or less acceptable for me to try to figure out the good than the bad.  If it's truly my role to accept without question, that should be across the board.  I don't think either of us believes that is my role.

So - things have been good lately - very good.  Our connection feels tight, his ownership of me feels stable and solid and consistent.  He is pushing on a number of fronts, some of them surprising to me, things i didn't think were at all important to him, or even noticed.  He is expecting things and doing things that close in the boundaries for me, that drive home his position and keep me more in a submissive state of mind.

He is expanding - i'm not sure how to convey what i mean really.  He is expanding his dominance - it is coming into focus and strengthening, and i get the impression he feels very right with it, that it feels right and good to him.  And that makes all the difference in the world to me.