It has been a rewarding and also very difficult trip.
And there is one doozy of a transition coming up. Transitions are a bitch (or I'm a bitch about transitioning - depending on your perspective I suppose.)
I have been in charge of and responsible for the group and for the work. There have been an awful lot of challenges. I've been very much "on" the entire time: leading, making the decisions, managing, mentoring...
But i'm very far away and I've had very limited contact with my husband, some IM chats and some emails. I am thankful to have been able to have that contact. But the juxtaposition of what I am and what I am doing here with my place with him has been stark and tough to keep sorted out properly in my head.
He wants this for me, and that makes it possible. He wants me to push myself, to expand, to be very good at what i do. He wants me to be that woman. It helps with reconciling it all in my head to remember that.
The longer I have been away, and the more demanding the job here, the more intensely I crave his control. He has provided some of that from afar, and I am very grateful for that. But I am longing for him, I long to be offering myself to him, I long to have him claim me back.
I need to have both of these roles in my life. I am both of these people. Both of these women are His. But right now, i am looking so forward to shifting back to the one that is kneeling for him.
It must be hard to switch gears from the side of yourself that expresses power to the side that surrenders. How lovely that you are ready to kneel before him and do so. I don't know that I could switch gears like that.
ReplyDeleteSerenity,
DeleteEveryone has to make those switches in some way I'm sure. You have to be a different you with your kids than with your husband, that's millions of continuous switches all day long. It helps me hold all of the pieces in myself to know that he values all the pieces.
greengirl--can totally empathize with trying to get all the different parts of oneself straight in one's mind. To have the support of our other half is invaluable! I think its neat that you take that support and use to ease the mental part of it :O)
ReplyDeleteBleuAme,
DeleteThank you. This has been something I've not done so well over time, I'm Learning To see it coming and I think he's learning to see what helps With the transitions. It was much better this time, at least so far. Thank you.
Getting home will be very good for you. You'll appreciate the little things more.
ReplyDeletePlus it'll give you some balance.
But I bet it's nice to see how strong and self-reliant you can be when you have to.
This girl,
DeleteGetting home has been very, very good, for many reasons, but being back where I belong with him especially. And yes, I do really need all those parts of myself,a dn I have to push all the parts at different times. Thank you.
Isn't it amazing how a single person can reveal completely different aspects to different audiences? Hopefully you enjoy both of them, greengirl! Welcome home.
ReplyDeleteJake,
DeleteIt really is amazing, but I'm not sure why I'm so surprised by it. People really are complex. Thank you.
I maintain that I am that stronger, more "on" woman out there, because H supports me in here.
ReplyDeleteI love this post.
Kitty,
DeleteAbsolutely. I would never be able to do any of it without his support. Knowing he wants me to really do my best with it makes all the difference. Thank you
Welcome home! I loved your comment- or I'm a bitch about transitioning- And this: I need to have both of these roles in my life. I am both of these people. Both of these women are His. But right now, i am looking so forward to shifting back to the one that is kneeling for him.
ReplyDeleteCoffee, soon?
Saoirse,
DeleteThank you. Its one more thing i've learned along the way. And yes, definitely - i'll email.