Gumby I am not

Sadly - i will never be able to cross my ankles behind my head, no matter how much he may like to..., well - anyhow, not happening.

But that isn't the kind of Gumby-ing I'm talking about.

So many outside forces push and pull.  Work, lots of projects, other people wanting things of me. Kids needing to be raised, needing to get to and from.  The house, the car, other family, all the other people and things in my life that are good, but come with ought to's.

And for a brief moment I think i've got it all laid out, then it all changes, their needs, their schedules, my requirements.

And I have to adapt, bend and stretch, rearrange.

It's life - I know this.  It's not just a mom thing, or a work thing or a wife thing, it's just life and everyone has to do it.

Part of the adapting is his constantly changing schedule, and I do sometimes come to resent that.  I flow as much as I can, but it's my stuff that gets re-prioritized.  And if I keep flowing and don't tell him I can't flow anymore (read - I fail), then I get behind, really behind, and stressed, and other not so pretty things.

These things come and go, it will get better, we are learning to manage it better, i am learning to speak up sooner - it happens to everyone, it's life.

I've noticed a funny trend (or two) though when this does happen:

I do tend to view being the adaptable one as my role.  My job has much more flexibility than his, and almost no travel.  And i tend to view this as "service".  Our dynamic doesn't fit into neat categories, but  "service" in that sense is only a small component.  And - honestly - stuff needs to get done no matter what you call it.  Viewing what i do as helpful to him can feed into a submissive mindset, but it's both helpful to him and necessary overall no matter how i choose to view it.

The advantage of adding this perspective to things i would need to do anyhow is that, when it's good, i feel better about it, i have a glad heart, i am happy to help.  The risk is that when things go badly, i feel like a failure on more levels.

You would think (I would think, I'm pretty sure He does think) that all-hell-breaking-loose would be the time to back off a bit, loosen up, relax and give me some room to work, since not enough room to work is the issue.  But in fact that makes me feel even worse. If I suddenly feel him less, the frustration or resentment or whatever turn into distance and plain old sadness, maybe a touch of despair.

This would be one more time that i'm happy not to be the one needing to find the perfect balance for things.

And now - i'm off to do some much needed catching up.